"She's actual size but she seems much bigger to me. Squares may look distant in her rearview mirror, but she's actual size, actual size to me." She's Actual Size, They Might Be Giants

Ever since the creation of man, there has been war. There was war before man, but man, being a naughty species, is the only species that fights for trivial concepts like territory and monetary gain. They are essentially the only species who look upon war as less of a way of proving you are right, (by the judicious application of violence), than as a national pastime.

Ever since the creation of war, there has been a class of man known as the professional soldier. These men are known as soldiers because "man who sticks swords into things that scream and bleed" doesn't fit nicely onto a business card. It is arguable that one could call them professional, but since it's rather hard to get in touch with a soldier who has done his job in war particularly poorly, there are some things that must be accepted on faith.

Ever since the creation of the professional soldier, there has been...

The stupid dick joke.

It is painfully obvious when you think about it. Get a large number of very sweaty, bored men (professional soldiers are almost inveritably men, men are of the opinion that this proves the inherent superiority of the male gender, when in actuality it is likely the fact that women are smart enough not to involve themselves in a literally dead end job with a bad hair cut and clothing that is impossible to accessorize with) in the same room with a bunch of weapons and inevitably you will generate copious amounts of testosterone. Testosterone inevitably leads to thoughts of sex , thoughts of sex lead to proving one is more sexually capable than the men around you, and this leads to such statements as "some men are longer than others" and "that sword was bigger than my dick" when in reference to a two handed sword.

"So anyway," the sergeant on watch at the Sailoon Palace Gate remarked to his half asleep comrade, "the bartender looks at him suspiciously and says, why are you so happy? You just lost 400 gold pieces! The guy looks at him and says, I just bet those guys over there 500 gold pieces each that I could piss on your bar, on your floor, and on you, and not only would you not get mad, you'd be happy I did-"

He stopped. Large boobies have a tendency to get that reaction. Especially large boobies headed in your direction.

His companion blinked, still sleepy. The next few seconds would be forever etched in his mind as the single most terrifying noise he'd ever heard.

"OOOOH-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO!"

The sergeant, a veteran of numerous campaigns who had weathered terrible magicks and horrors worse than Barbara Streisand lasted precisely 1.2 seconds into that terrible laugh before he collapsed into a senseless heap, having fainted dead away when his mind strangled his consciousness into a coma in self-defense.

His companion sat down heavily and dropped his spear, blinking stupidly. He remained in this position for the rest of the day, and would respond to questioning with only one word repeated over and over again. Bounce.. bounce... bounce...

Some things are more terrible than war, more horrible than a professional soldier, and more irritating than a stupid dick joke.

The daughter of Naga the White Serpent had come to Sailoon City.

***

".... There is something terribly familar about her..." Lina mused quietly to Gourry, who for his part was staring myopically at the throne room.

"Hey... you're right... she kinda reminds me of Amelia." Gourry remarked sagely to Lina, looking at the diminutive woman sitting ramrod straight on the throne.

Lina blinked in momentary confusion before following Gourry's gaze towards the throne, then gave him the requisite slap on the back of his hollow blonde head.

"You jellyfish brain... that IS Amelia! Haven't you been listening to the conversation at all?"

Gourry, chastened, (or maybe just attempting to avoid more pain) shut up and listened obediently.

"As I was saying Miss Lina, I can't send the Sailoon army after Gaav... not even to save poor Mina."

Lina stomped her foot in irritation. "Why the hell not, Amelia?"

Amelia put her pointer fingers together and blushed. "Well... first of all, Sailoon doesn't HAVE an army..."

Lina blinked. This was not an answer that she had expected. "Wh... what? What about all guards? What are they, chopped liver?"

"Well Miss Lina, thats exactly what they are... guards I mean, not chopped liver. Defense and policing their respective posts are the only tasks they are prepared to deal with." she looked proudly up at the portrait of her father on the far wall. Daddy would be soooo proud.

"Sailoon is the kingdom of White Magic. We have no need for an army... we don't have any enemies that can reach us, and all our neighbors have quite binding treaties with us that require they keep only those forces they need for defense."

Lina frowned. This wasn't looking good. "Well... we'll just have to RAISE an army."

"Er... I'm afraid I can't help you with that either. Aside from the treaties we have, I wouldn't raise an army to fight Gaav." she looked down and shuddered. "I wouldn't want to be responsible for so many lives wasted. Without magic, Gaav is unstoppable."

-Damn- Lina thought... -I wouldn't have to DO any of this if my magic were still here. This really sucks.-

Lina growled. "Then what am I supposed to do, Amelia? (causing much gnashing of teeth in the royal guard... no one could be so impertinent to the queen, but they were all terrified of the sorceress, so it was very quiet teeth gnashing) Use harsh language?"

"Fear not, Miss Lina! I have the perfect solution." she stood up on her throne (terrifying the nearby courtiers, who startle easier than a politician in a bordello) and pointed her finger triumphantly towards the sky. "I have enlisted the aid of the best bounty hunters in all of Sailoon. These two have brought numerous thieves and ne'er-do-wells to justice, and I have absolute confidence in their pure and righteous hearts! With us on your side, we cannot help but prevail against evil!"

"...." retorted a very startled Lina.

The young and exceptionally well endowed woman who until this point had been hiding her features (but not her chest. Nothing can hide her chest.) with a black cloak threw it back to reveal a beautiful scantily clad woman with chestnut hair that ran down to the base of her spine. She crossed her gloved hands together, and let loose with the banshee howl of laughs. Several courtiers failed their saving throws and collapsed into twitching piles. Amelia just winced, well accustomed to her sister's spawn and her noise. Lina turned pale, and Gourry drew his sword, thinking they were under attack.

Xellos was no where to be seen.

Strangely, her companion, a handsome young man with curled green hair in full platemail armor and a ridiculous and strangely familiar battered hat, made no noise at all...

He simply stared at Amelia with a mixture of deference and righteous self assurance.

"I- Hydra, daughter of the White Serpent, greatest sorcery genius of all time, and my companion, Langdelin... Knight Errant of the Holy Order of the Monsterous Zomelgustar, shall bring this pitiful wozzname to justice!"

"...!" Lina remarked.

"..." answered Amelia.

"...?" asked Gourry.

"Wha... what... you... Naga... spawned?!!" Lina looked incredulously at the woman, who looked confidently in the still stunned ex-sorceresses' direction.

The man next to Hydra turned around and blinked confusedly, then reached into his ears and removed two wads of cotton.

"I beg your forgiveness milady," he asked in a cultured baritone, "wast thou addressing me?"

Gourry blinked. "Huh? What did he say? It sounded like words and yet I can't understand it..." he looked from Hydra to Langdelin several times, his face growing more and more confused by the second. "Make the big-chested woman with the scary laugh and the confusing man go away, Lina! My head hurts."

Lina slapped her face painfully and groaned. "So does mine..."

***

Mina poked the cheery campfire aimlessly with a stick. The scraping, ringing sound of stone on sword rang, along with occasional ringing noises as her erstwhile companion picked at the occasional nick.

She glanced at him sidelong and sighed, then poked the fire a few more times. The fire was beginning to get upset. Or it would've, if it could've gotten anything other than hot.

Red sighed, put the sword down and faced her squarely. "What is it now, Mina? You obviously won't be happy until you get whatever it is you've been punishing the fire for off your chest."

Mina started, then frowned at him. Finally, in a subdued voice, she asked. "Red..."

He frowned.

"When you find out who you were... what do you plan on doing?"

He raised an eyebrow. then leaned back and sighed. "I haven't really thought about it all that much. I suppose I could make myself up into a bandit king again..."

She clenched her hands hard enough to break the stick.

He grinned. "On second thought, I'd like to be a real king... maybe Sailoon will have an opening while I'm in town."

"RED!!" She started to stand up only to stop in confusion when she saw him silently shaking.

"Ha ha, very funny caterpillar brows. You... are joking right?"

He gave her a sarcastic look. "Of course I'm joking. If I was going to be King of something it wouldn't be White Magic." he rolled his eyes. "I do have SOME common sense."

Mina shook her head. "Could have fooled me."

He ignored her. "Honestly Mina, I don't know. I'd have to know who... and what I am."

"What you are? What do you mean?"

He frowned. "I don't age. I haven't ever been seriously injured, and for a bandit that's unheard of. Your ridiculously over-powered explosion spell caused more damage to my coat than it did to me, Mina. From your reaction, I kinda gathered that that's not normal."

"Well... I'm not the sorceress my mother was. Maybe it was weaker than a normal Dragon Slave." Even to her, it sounded as though she were clutching at straws.

He shrugged. Then he grinned slowly in what might have been considered evil to a casual observer (I.E. someone more than 50 feet away). "What about you, Mina... what do you plan on doing when all this is over?"

She tossed her stick in the fire and turned her face away so he wouldn't see her blush. "I..."

He leaned against a tree and crossed his arms behind his head. He looked remarkably handsome when he didn't have that ridiculous yellow coat on.

"I suppose you could tag along with me. You may be pushy and ruled by annoying concepts like morality and law, but you're easy to look at, and..."

"AND?" Mina blinked, hardly believing what she was hearing. Though she wasn't entirely sure she should be complimented by what he just said.

He closed his eyes and grinned softly. "I like you, Mina Inverse."

Her jaw dropped and she had to look away, her heart pounding. What was she supposed to think about this? He was a bandit! He was a smart ass and... and...

He was intelligent. He was afraid of nothing. He had honor, even if it was an exceptionally warped sense of it. He was..

-Gods help me... - she thought to herself. - I... I think I love him.-

She turned to him suddenly, uncharacteristically shy and gulped. "I... I like you too, Red."

Silence.

"Red?"

Silence 2.0.

"Red?"

She was met by a sound that was somewhere between a chainsaw and a large piece of wood being slowly bent under pressure.

Gaav, the Demon Dragon King, The Chaos Dragon, known to her as Red the Bandit King, was blissfully snoring away.

***

In the recently rebuilt Kingdom of Xoana, there are many legends telling of great and terrible beings. One such legend tells of a fearsome Orihalcon golem who guarded the palace of Xoana.

This legend is generally considered to false, since the Palace is now an extremely large crater in which no plantlife will grow.

Another recent legend tells of the possible return of the Natural Enemy of All Who Live, should the kingdom ever attempt to return to it's warlike ways.

Anyone who's seen Lina's handiwork believes in this.

Another more obscure legend tells of the Darkness with the Bloody Eyes.

Supposedly, a being walks the wilds of Xoana, a terrible man who might be mazoku, or have made a deal with them. A fearsome apparition whose eyes blaze with a terrible fury that only grows hotter when the blood of his victims is spilled. It has many names depending on the region you ask, The Axeman... the Bloody Eyed Reaper, or simply, the Dark.

The terrible legend in question was currently on the move.

It would be dark soon, and tonight a small city in Sailoon would learn that nightmares mostly come at night.

Mostly.

***

Bill the farmer stood resolutely in front of his family, his face a mask of determination. Somewhere out in the distance a woman's piercing scream rang out with crystal clarity before it was cut suddenly and sickeningly short. His daughter let out a sob of fear and he gripped his pitchfork harder.

"Don't worry honey. Daddy isn't going to let it get you."

For the last hour, a terrible something had stalked the small dirt roads of Southtown, slaying anything that came within it's reach. Running was futile... it hunted with terrible confidence and patience, smashing into hiding places stone or otherwise with terrible strength. Weapons bounced off it's armor, and the spells of the town's lone wizard hadn't affected the creature at all. No one was more surprised than the wizard.

He didn't remain surprised for very long.

He didn't remain much of anything for very long.

Bill had gathered his family behind him and, using the steel-jawed trap that his neighbor occasionally used to trap bears, prepared to defend his family. He had to succeed.

The alternative was too unbearable to think about.

Suddenly it emerged from the gloom before him, a huge man-shaped hulk clothed entirely in blackened platemail, festooned with hooks and spikes and other such implements of torture. The stench of blood and death clung to it like a shroud, and the terrifying horned helmet that crowned its massive trunk revealed only a pair of terrible, burning red eyes.

The horrifying effect was eclipsed only by the terrible axe the creature carried in its massive clutches. It was a weapon crafted not only to kill, but to kill in the most painful and brutal way possible.

Bill paled but stood his ground. "Come on you rusty piece of shit... come get me."

A low and ominous growl that couldn't have come from a human throat erupted and it moved forward. It's foot came down on the trigger for the trap and the massive jaws that could kill or cripple even the great cave bears of Sailoon snapped shut with methodical finality...

The teeth snapped with a ringing sound, and the creature kicked the ruined remains loose with barely a second glance.

Bill backed up a step and looked fearfully towards his wife and child. "Run Lisa! Take Sasha and run! Don't stop!"

The terrified woman scooped the bawling child into her arms and ran for the town's edge, stumbling in terror as the Darkness took her husband apart with one monstrous sweep of it's axe.

A flash of silver was the last thing the fear crazed woman saw, then a long, thin blade pierced her throat and the chest of the child she carried. She gurgled once, slipped to her knees, then slid backwards off the blade, the dead child still clutched tightly in her hands.

The new apparition, a cloaked and hooded individual, negligently flicked the blood from his rapier and then made it vanish into his cloak. He leaned nonchalantly against the wall of the deceased farmers' house and stared at the creature before him.

It gave him a look reminiscent of a child deprived of its candy.

"You almost let them get away from you, Dnarc. Honestly, I don't know why I put up with you."

"I would have caught up with them eventually, Talon." the creatures voice reminded one of a nail dragged down the blade of an executioner's axe. "The hunt is half the fun."

"Oh I know that... and in the meantime, that pitiful pretender to the throne of the Demon Dragon King could find out who he used to be... and come for us. Need I remind you that this plan will not succeed if you do not strike from surprise?"

Dnarc growled at this. "Tell me again why I must scurry in the shadows like a frightened mouse after this... pretty boy."

Talon sighed. "I don't know why I bother.... you have to hit him when he's not looking. He might be a "pretty boy" but he is the SOUL of the Demon Dragon King. Like it or not, you are just a shard of his power, and a rather pathetic excuse for one at that. Honestly... can't you restrain yourself for a few short weeks?"

The creature slammed its axe into a nearby cottage and the structure flew apart like so much kindling. Talon smiled.

"Temper temper... you'll get to kill him I promise, and when you do, YOU will be the soul of Gaav. If you keep killing everything you come across, word is going to get out." his smile thinned. "If word gets out, it might reach HIM." his smile disappeared, and his eyes glowed red. "If he finds out you're coming for him, he'll be ready for you, and you, my dear monstrousity, will be as dead as the Hellmaster. Just to remind you, the Hellmaster isn't just deceased, he's nothing. I don't think you'd like that."

Dnarc growled, but restrained himself.

"Now my friend, run along, find our would-be Chaos Dragon and follow him until you get somewhere nice and quiet where there won't be any interference. Do try and keep a low profile."

Dnarc turned and began to stalk away, still growling softly.

"Oh and Dnarc... if you think after you have absorbed this pathetic bandit king that you will be powerful enough to come after me just remember what happened.... the last time."

Dnarc ceased his growling and looked sullenly to the horizon.

Unconsciously, he rubbed his hand over his breastplate, and remembered the terrible scars that Talon had given him.

There were some things that even the Bloody Eyed Darkness feared.

***

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All original, creative-type stuff on this website is copyright to Chris Cuellar and Teresa Dietzinger, 2002