Episode 4: The Trial! Survival Training

Naruto: Where is our new teacher? Whereishewhereishewhereishewhereishewhereishewhereishewhereishewhereishe--

Sakura: GEEZ, take some ritalin and CHILL. He'll be along.

Sasuke: I'd ask you two what you think of my Gendo Ikari impression, if I gave a damn about either of you...

Naruto: I'll teach our new Sensei to be late to class-- *grabs chalkboard eraser, heads to door*

Sakura: Oh, that is SO immature. There's NO ONE in their right mind who'd find that stupid trick funny.

Inner Sakura: BWAHAHA! It's the old "eraser falling from the open doorjam" bit! SWEET!

Sasuke: Come ON. Our new teacher is a master ninja who's supposed to be one of the coolest characters in the entire series. There's NO WAY he'd fall for something as simple or as puerile as--

Door : *swing open*

Eraser: *Fall* *PLOK*

Kakashi: >__<

Sasuke: Oookay. Maybe he isn't as cool as I thought...


Sakura: I tried to stop him, Sensei!

Inner Sakura: Well, the uptight, non-psychotic part of me tried to, anyway...

Kakashi: ...I hate you all. But it IS my duty to try to turn you into productive members of our little ninja society, so that's just what I intend to do. (I will, however, reserve the right to make your lives absolutely miserable at any time.) With that in mind, let's begin by introducing ourselves...

Naruto: You first.

Kakashi: I'm Hatake Kakashi. And you're not cool enough to know anything else about me. You're next, boy...

Naruto: Well, I'm Uzumaki Naruto, ramen aficionado and Resident Loose Cannon of Kohona Village. Soon to be it's future leader and GREATEST MOTHERFUGGIN' NINJA OF ALL TIME!!!

Kakashi: I see YOU must have had an interesting childhood.... Okay, we have our callow-yet-determined hero...Next!

Sakura: I'm Haruno Sakura and *giggle* *blush*...I'm boy-crazy. Except for Naruto. He sucks.

Naruto: ;__;

Kakashi: Oookay. We have our cute and spunky heroine... Next!

Sasuke: I'm Uchiha Sasuke. I am hate, shaped like a man. And I have someone I'd really like to kill...

Naruto: Meep. Not ME!

Sakura: He is SO hardcore! *dreamy sigh*

Kakashi: .....Aaand we've got the darkly cool rival with the tortured past. And then you have me, the all-wise and mysterious teacher. Welp. It looks like all the main Shounen Fighting Anime™ character archetypes are present and accounted for. (At least for now.) Our first mission begins tomorrow.

Naruto: Ooh! A mission! That sounds so dangerous and official! What is it?

Kakashi: It's.... some EXTREEEEEEEME survival training!

Sakura: Pleh. MORE training?

Kakashi: Not just training, but a test, which only 1/3 of your graduating class will pass. Those who pass move on to become gennins. Those who don't get shipped back to the academy. How's that for pressure? This'll make cram school seem like kindergarten...

Naruto: O_O

Sakura: o_o

Sasuke: -_-

Kakashi: Bring all your ninja stuff and meet me tomorrow at 5. That's A-M, you ladies! Oh, and don't eat, unless you wanna spend the entire day brushing puke out of each other's clothing...



Sasuke: I am just a goatee and a glasses-flash away from being Gendo Ikari right now. Yup. Yessiree...


Kakashi: Good morning.


Kakashi: Whatever. It's time for your test, which is to steal one of these jingle bells away from me. Those who can't do it get no lunch. And I tie them to this here log. And I make fun of them. And I fail their ass and ship them back to the academy. Oh, and one more thing. If you want to beat me, you're gonna have to want to kill me.

Naruto, Sakura & Sasuke: (thinking) Oh GREAT. Dozens of instructors at this school and WE get stuck with the ninja version of R. Lee Ermey...

Sakura: Um...isn't this just a little TOO hardcore for ninjas our age?

Naruto: And isn't this just a little TOO dangerous for YOU, Mr. Can't-Even-Dodge-a-Falling-Eraser?

Kakashi: I wouldn't comment on other people's lack of ability, Mr-Graduated-at-the-Ass-End-of-His-Class.

Naruto: GRRRR! -- *rushes forward* NOW I SMASH YOU--

Kakashi: *dodge* *disarm* Easy. The test hasn't begun YET--

Naruto: Meep.

Sakura & Sasuke: O_o

Kakashi: Welp, it looks as if you've already aced the "developing the will to kill me" part of the exam--

Naruto: And it really wasn't all that hard--

Kakashi: Now let's see how mad your MAD NINJA SKILLZ are. The test begins.........NOW!


3rd Hokage: Mm. Tea and crumpets. We may be ninjas, but that's no reason we can't be civilized. By the way, Iruka, I know you're not just here for the free eats. Spill it.

Iruka-Sensei: This Kakashi guy. What kind of teacher is he? I heard tell that he was something of a hardass...

3rd Hokage: Well here's his pass/fail list of past students. See for yourself....

Iruka-Sensei: GASP! *unecessarily dramatic pause.*

Kakashi: Okay, the first thing you have to learn as a ninja is How Not to Be Seen.

Naruto: Funk dat! I wanna duel! One on one! Mano-a-mano! Ninja-a...um...ninja-o!

Kakashi: You're WEIRD.

Naruto: I'm not as weird as your hair! You use a lightning rod to style it or something? *rushes forward*

Kakashi: *Sigh.* Okay, Naruto, your first lesson will be in Taijutsu. The art of fighting without weapons.

Naruto: No weapons, eh? What's that thing you're pulling out?

Kakashi: This? It's just a dirty book...

Naruto: Um, is it a good TIME for you to be reading?

Kakashi: Sure. Why not? I want to find out what happens in the story, (and it's not like fighting YOU is gonna be anything of a distraction...)

Naruto: Grr! I'll teach- *punch*

Kakashi: *dodge*

Naruto: --you to--*KICK*

Kakashi: *dodge*

Naruto: --make fun of--*punch*

Kakashi: *vanish*

Naruto: --me.

Kakashi: *appears behind him*
No need to--
*hand seal*
I've already learned!

Sakura: That's Ninjitsu! A Higher Ninja Art! WATCHITRNARUTOYOUREGOINGTODIE!!!--

Kakashi: A thousand years of PAIN! *KANCHO POKE OF DOOM*

Naruto's butt: ASPLODE!!!!!!

Naruto: *Flies* Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Sakura: Oookay, you didn't die, but I'm willing to bet there's a part of you that wishes you had...

Naruto: My ass! It's ruined! RUINED! Grrr *throws shuriken.*

Kakashi: *catches shuriken with fingers* Reading is Fundamental, kids...

Naruto: --Although reading a dirty book in class is probably NOT something the educational system would want to encourage...especially if you're a teacher...


Iruka-Sensei: So Kakashi has never passed a single person!

3rd Hokage: Nope. So I guess the answer to your question of whether or not he's a hardass would have to be a resounding yes.

Kakashi: This isn't looking good as far as your "eating lunch on time" plans are concerned, Naruto. Much less your "one day becoming Hokage" plans...

Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura's stomachs: GROOWWLLLL...

Naruto: Okay, I'm hungry, so it's serious now. Time to pull out the Big Guns. Shadow Replication!

Sakura: So. Naruto can make real clones of himself. Great. As if ONE of him weren't annoying enough...

Naruto: I'll pay you back for what you did to my ass!

Kakashi: Impressive, but even though you may know an advanced technique--

Naruto: Ha! You're surrounded!

Kakashi: --it's not going to change the fact that you're YOU.

Naruto: Hope you like the taste of FIST!

Kakashi: --and that YOU...SUCK!

Naruto: *PUNCH*

Replica #1: Ow!

Naruto: Huh? I punched--

Sakura: --his OWN shadow? Oy vey...

Naruto: Hey! You transformed at the last second! You're really Kakashi-sensei, aren't you?

Replica #1: No, YOU are!

Replica #2: No, YOU are!

Replica #3: No, YOU are!

Replica #4: No, YOU are!

--And so on...


Naruto: Hey! I got it! I'll just undo the replication!

Replicas: Oh, brilliant idea, Einstein! Why didn't you think of that before?

Naruto: Well....Why didn't YOU? You guys are ME, after all!

Replicas: Yeah, see how HAPPY we are about it? *POOF* *VANISH*

Naruto: Um... I'm alone...

Sakura: Oh Geez. And to think for a second there I was thinking that Naruto might actually be cool...

Sasuke: Hm. It looks like Naruto got PWN3D by the replacement technique, a technique where a ninja quickly changes place with a nearby object to make it appear as though he's been hit. In this case, Kakashi-sensei was able to change places with one of Naruto's replicas to make him think that he was still in his line of --why am I providing color commentary all of a sudden? I should already have internalized all of this knowledge. I mean... it's almost as if there's some unseen audience watching all of this, and my explaining this is simply a plot device to let them in on--

Naruto: Oh look! Sensei dropped a bell! What luck! I'm sure this was just a mistake on his part and not a trap of any---



Admiral Ackbar: IT'S A TRAP!

Naruto: ........How the hell did I survive ninja school this long?

Sasuke: So. Kakashi-sensei was able to lull Naruto into a trap by feining weakness, when in fact, he had complete control of the situation, showing no weak points even when he --ohmygod I'm doing it again. I'm starting to sound like John Madden. My cool badass stock is rapidly dropping. I'd better do something ninja-y quick or I'll be relegated to the status of Explanation Boy for the rest of the series....

Kakashi: Naruto, you've got to think outside the box if you want to be a ninja. Or at least learn not to fall for such obvious traps.

Naruto: Um...I..meant to do this...

Kakashi: Suuuure you did. Just like you meant to rush around like an epileptic monkey while repeatedly getting your ass kicked.

Sasuke: Aha! Sensei's distracted! Here's my chance! *throws knives & shurikens*

Knives & Shurikens: *THOK!!*

Kakashi's Body: *BLEED* *SPEW*

Sasuke: I wonder if I get extra credit for killing him...

Naruto & Sakura: Š4MN, $4$µ|{3, „0µ 4R3 700 H4RŠ(0R3!!!!! WH47'$ 7H3 M4773R W17H „00?

On to Episode 5: Fail? Kakashi's Conclusion