Episode 3: A Rival?! Sasuke and Sakura

Naruto: Mmm! Ramen and milk: Breakfast of Champions! Welp, it's the first day of my career as a full-blown ninja! I'm sure this all-important day of all days will run smoothly and be completely free of zany hijinks!

Konohamaru: Not if I have anything to say about it.

Naruto: Sorry, I've no time for comic relief this morning, I have a Ninja Orientation Meeting to go to!

Sakura's Mom: Sakura! It's time for your Ninja Orientation Meeting!

Sakura: I know, Mom. Geez. Parents can be such a pain.

Ino: Good morning, Suck-u-ra....

Sakura: --Although not quite as big a pain as one's most hated rival...

Ino: You are SO not going to beat me to school.

Sakura: I SO am. Last one there's a rotten egg roll.

Shikamaru: Hey Dropout-Boy. Didn't you read the "No Failures" sign on the classroom door?

Naruto: Talk to the headband. I graduated, see?

Hinata: I see. Yay! There is potential for future nookie...

Sakura & Ino: I WIN!!!! NO YOU DIDN"T!! YES I DID!!! YOU DID NOT!!!

Naruto: Ah, there's Sakura-chan. The love of my life...

Sakura: Ah, there's Sasuke-kun. The love of my life...

Naruto: Good morning, Sak--

Sakura: --One side, blondie. You're obstructing my view of the class hottie. Oh Sasuke-kuuuuun!

Sasuke: Meh.

Sakura: I love you!

Ino: I love you more!

Female Classmates: No, WE love you more!

Sasuke: I say again: Meh.

Asuma: So the dark-haired kid ignoring all that poontang is the class' number one rookie, Sasuke Uchiha. Damn. He looks hardcore.

3rd Hokage: He is.

Kurenai: I suppose having one's entire family slaughtered would tend to make a person... moody.

Kakashi: That loud kid with no sense of tact or respect for personal space - that's Uzumaki Naruto, eh?

Naruto: *STARE*


Sakura: Naruto! Stop invading Sasuke's personal space!

Naruto: Grr. And just what does she see in you, grumpy-face? You're nothing but a good-looking rebel who likes to play by his own rules...

Sakura: *FOND SIGH*

Every Girl in the Class: *FOND SIGH*

Thousands of rabid fangirls: *FOND SIGH*

Random male classmate: Whoops. *unintentional shove*

Naruto & Sasuke: *unintentional kiss*


Naruto: What the hell was that noise? It sounded like a bunch of bats flying into a brick wall.

Sasuke: Wrong. It was actually the sound of millions of rabid yaoi slashfic writers squealing with glee and falling into a dead faint. Now then, if you'll don't mind, I'm going to have to seriously hurt you.

Sakura: You're going to have to wait in line behind me!

Female Classmates: No, you're going to have to wait in line behind US!!!

Naruto: Oh God. The Glare of Death. This is every anime male's worst nightmare, (behind having to taste his girlfriend's cooking.)

Female Classmates: **MEGA SUPER PUMMEL**

3rd Hokage: As usual, Naruto's the magnet and Trouble is steel. Recognize a pattern starting to develop, anyone?

Iruka-Sensei: Okay class, from now on, you'll all be taught in groups of three by a Jounin teacher.

Sakura: Please, let me be grouped with Sasuke...

Naruto: Please, let me be grouped with anyone BUT Sasuke...

Sasuke: I'd rather not be grouped with anyone...

Iruka-Sensei: The 7th group will consist of Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke.

Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke: D'oh!

Hinata: D'oh! I wanted to be with Naruto...

Ino: D'oh! I wanted to be with Sasuke...


Shikamaru: Sheesh! What's so great about that guy? Just because he's a dark, mysterious bishounen with a tortured past...

Ino & Sakura: *FOND SIGH*

Every Girl in the Class: *FOND SIGH*

Thousands of rabid fangirls: *FOND SIGH*

Shikamaru: ....I don't get women.

Ino: Which is why women don't like you. And why I'd rather be caught dead than--

Iruka-Sensei: 10th group, Ino, Shikamaru--

Ino: --get paired up with you...

Iruka-Sensei: --and Chouji.

Ino: D'oh! And I get paired up with the Class Fatty, too. The gods must hate me!

Naruto: Well, I'm not exactly on their A-List either! Just why do I have to get paired up with a loser like Sasuke?

Iruka-Sensei: Long story short - He's the best student - you're the worst. So it balances out.

Naruto, Sakura & Sasuke: BUT IT'S PISSING US ALL OFF!

Iruka-Sensei: Yeah, well, not my problem anymore. I'll introduce your new teachers to you after lunch...

Naruto: I wanna eat with Sakura.

Sakura: Tough, I'd rather eat with Sasuke. Get lost.

Sasuke: I'd rather eat alone.

Naruto: Geez. I'm never gonna score with Sakura now that Mr. High and Mighty Number One Rookie's in our team. Well...Speak of the devil and he appears, sitting alone and eating his lunch...

Sasuke: Human companionship is SO overrated.

Naruto: ...I have a wonderful, grinchy idea...


Ino: Feh. If I have to be stuck in this group with you two losers, I insist on being the leader.

Shikamaru: Fine. I'm far too jaded and cynical to waste time arguing about something this unimportant.

Chouji: And I'm too busy perpetuating the stereotype of the Slightly Dim, Always Hungry Fat Guy. So, after lunch, how 'bout we go out to eat somewhere?

Ino: ...We are SO gonna suck...

Shikamaru: Hey look, isn't that your Dream Date sitting in that building over there?... Looks like he's in for an ambush.

Ino: Nani?! Naruto! Don't you dare!

Naruto: HAVE AT YOU!

Sasuke: So you're annoying AND psychotic...

*muffled noises* *beatdown*

Sasuke: ...And, I might add, completely pathetic.


Sasuke: Do de do.. Sneak sneak sneak...

Shikamaru: Looks like Dream Date won.

Ino: Of course! Was there any doubt?

Shikamaru: Well...no... And I'm sure that out-of-character smirk on his face didn't signify anything important...

Sakura: How am I gonna get my freak on with Sasuke? The only part of my body that's not underdeveloped is my forehead, and I don't think Sasuke would have anything as weird as a forehead fetish. (Although he's a Japanese male, so I suppose anything's possible...)

Sasuke: Hello, Sakura. I couldn't help but notice that you have a big, lovely forehead.

Sakura: No way! It's my day-dream come true!

Sasuke: I'm just kidding! That's the sort of thing that wanker Naruto would say. By the way, what do you think of him?

Sakura: He sucks. I'd much rather have you... in the worst way...


The REAL Sasuke: So that Naruto kid got the drop on me and assumed my identity. Right after I stop flashbacking and untie myself, I am SO gonna kick his underachieving ass.


Sakura: Smoochy-smoochy.

Naruto posing as Sasuke: Love, sweet mystery of life at last I fo--OHGODFEELSLIKERAZORBLADESINMYINTESTINES! *Runs off*

Sakura: Hunh. Must have butterflies in his stomach...

Naruto: Mutant, armor-plated butterflies from HELL with razor sharp iron wings! GODWHATDIDIEATTHISMORNING? Hm.... So I probably blew my chances to get jiggy with Sakura using Sasuke's form, but ...I could probably still use his identity to act like a cad and make her hate him.

Sakura: He's come back! Oh, Sasuke-kuuuuun! I'm ready for some lovin!

The REAL Sasuke: The hell? Where's Naruto?

Sakura: Now don't play hard to get! Besides, what do you want with him anyway? He sucks and he's a loser - probably because he doesn't have any parents. People who don't have parents are weird.

Sasuke: You know, Sakura, you might want to research the backgrounds of your potential boyfriends before you go spouting off thoughtless comments about fellow classmates whose life situations might be similar to theirs...

Sakura: Huh?

Sasuke: I guess what I'm trying to say here is--Sakura...YOU SUCK!

Naruto: Okay, I've got my shit back together (literally.) But I bet Sakura isn't waiting around for me anymore...

Sasuke: No, but I am...Just what the hell are you up to?

Naruto: Well, the first item on my agenda is --beating the crap outta you! Shadow Replication! *POOF*

Naruto's intestines: What do you get when you cross the runs with a running gag?....

Naruto: Um....You get.... pain....back to...bathroom...

Replica #1: Me first!

Replica #2: No! Me!

Replica #3: No! Me!

--And so on...

Sasuke: Ooookay. That was weird...

Sakura: Well, my hopes for getting it on with Sasuke have gone down the crapper. Now I know how bad Naruto felt when I shot him down earlier. Next time I see him, I'm gonna make it up to him!

Naruto: Ugh... I could really use some good luck at this point in the episode...

Sakura: Hey, Naruto. I've decided to be nice to you now.

Naruto: Riiiight. (This luck seems just a little TOO good...Nice try, Sasuke, but I'm not falling for your little assume-Sakura's-identity-and-screw-around-with-me scheme. Instead I'm going to--)

Naruto's intestines: *TURBO-DRIVE*

Naruto: ---Rush right back to the bathroom and plant my ass back on that bowl...

Sakura: Well, so much for being nice to him. Jerk.

Kakashi: So this is Naruto's house.

3rd Hokage: Yes. Sasuke's also going to be in your group. Those two are a real Odd Couple so I imagine you're going to have lots of fun trying to teach them...

Kakashi: Yes. It would seem so. Hey, this milk has gone way past its prime..

Naruto: Much like this running gag. Please! End the episode already.... Unnhhhh....

On to Episode 4: The Trial! Survival Training