Episode 2: I am Konohamaru

Naruto: I'm ready for my close-up!

Photographer: Are you sure about this whole makeup thing? I mean, don't people think you're enough of a clown as it is?

Naruto: Just take the friggin' picture, Ansel Adams...

3rd Hokage: Take the picture OVER, Naruto. This is supposed to be a Ninja Registration Form, not an entry for the "World's Creepiest Kabuki Cosplayer Competition."

Naruto: There's nothing I could do to make you change your mind?

3rd Hokage: No.

Naruto: Not even... **POOF**

Sexy-no-Jutsu Naruto: --this?

Iruka-Sensei: **NOSEBLEED** Damn you, hackneyed ANIME stereotypes! ... But wait, I thought only male VIRGINS were supposed to spout prodigious nosebleeds around nubile females...

Konohamaru: And you're definitely NOT a virgin, old man, otherwise I wouldn't be here. Oh, by the way, I've come here to kill you and steal your title. Hope you don't mind, gramps...

3rd Hokage: No, I don't mind. But is "tripping and falling flat on your face," supposed to be part of your secret fighting technique?

Konohamaru: No, it's... it's... ALL THAT KID'S fault!

Naruto: Grrr. You're tempting fate, boy. I'm a loose cannon, and I've got a short fuse...

Konohamaru: Oooh. I'm SO scared.

Naruto: *PUNCH*

Konohamaru: Now I'm scared and in pain.

Ebisu: Never fear, young master! I shall teach you how to master the Way of the Ninja and gain the title of Hoka--

3rd Hokage: He's GONE already. Sheesh, for an elite ninja teacher, you sure aren't very observant...

Ebisu: Oh no, he left to follow that Naruto guy! He'll be a bad influence on him!

3rd Hokage: And just which kid is going to be a bad influence on whom now?

Naruto: Hm. Did you ever get the feelin' you was bein' watched?

Konohamaru: I am a chameleon. I am one with my environment.

Naruto: Well kid, if your environment were a cheap blanket factory, I'd say you were doing a great job of concealing yourself. But since you're trying to hide in front of A FENCE, I'd have to say that when it comes to this whole camoflague thing, YOU SUCK.

Konohamaru: Yeah well, you're kind of good so I'll let you be my master. But in exchange, you gotta teach me that "naked girl with swirling clouds" thing that works oh-so-well against Grampa Big Hat...

Naruto: No.

Konohamaru: Come on! I'll be your sidekick and stroke your massive ego and stuff.

Naruto: Well........Okay but, let's tone down the hero worship. We don't want to find ourselves paired up in any slashfics...Now, the first thing you have to learn about being a sidekick is how to properly inject comic relief into the story. This you can do by making obscure puns based on Japanese words.

Konohamaru: Uh.. isn't this going to cause problems for American video producers when they try to write the English dub version of this show?

Naruto: Yeah, but who cares? Everyone and his brother will have seen the fansubbed version of this show by then, anyway... Now then, another way you can create comic relief is by acting like you're an expert in a subject, when you really know nothing about it at all!

Konohamaru: Oh, like you and this whole "using chakra" thing?

Naruto: Look, kid.... this is a Fighting Anime™ so all you're really gonna need in order to get by is hard work and guts. And some cool powers wouldn't hurt, either. Now then, let's see you use your transformation technique to turn into that cute girl standing over there.

Konohamaru: *POOF* How's this?

Naruto: Perfect... if you're trying to do an impression of that woman standing in a funhouse mirror....

Woman: Grrrr. Are you making fun of me?!...*SPLUT*

Naruto: Ow..... Another way to inject comic relief into an episode is by something we call "the humorous misunderstanding."

Konohamaru: Yikes. No amount of comic relief is worth THAT much pain...

Naruto: I think you need some lessons in female anatomy, kiddo. And what better way to learn than at a bookstore selling girly magazines!

Store Owner: This ain't a library! **PUNCH**

Naruto: --Or at an all-girls school!


Naruto: So kid, you learned anything about girl's bodies?

Konohamaru: I HOPE so, because I don't think YOUR body can take much more of this. It's too bad I'm the grandson of the Hokage, otherwise I might be getting humorously beat up too.

Naruto: Oh, poor YOU. Now try the transformation spell again and remember: There is no such thing as an attractive fat chick in an anime so No. Fat. Chicks. Got it?

Konohamaru: How's this? *POOF*

Naruto: Fine, if you're auditioning for a John Waters movie. WHAT PART OF "SKINNY" DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND, KID?!

Ebisu: Am I still in this episode?..... AHEM. I must save master Konohamaru from the evil influence of that young, spiky-haired reprobate before he picks up some horrible skill! To the rescue!

Naruto: Okay, now it's time for the Obligatory Fighting Anime™ Post-Training Bonding and Backstory session. So then, just why do you want to off your grampa anyway, kid?

Konohamaru: Because if I'm Hokage, people will like me because I'm a bigshot, and not just because I'm related to one.

Naruto: Hey, step off the whole Hokage-dream thing. I got dibs on it, short round!

Iruka-Sensei: Third-sama, I just wanted to pop by and see if Naruto managed to turn in his registration form without screwing up.

3rd Hokage: Yes he did.....well...almost..... Incidentally, Iruka, you know how the 4th Hokage sacrificed himself to seal the demon-fox into Naruto when he was a baby, and how all the adults in the village were told to keep it a secret so Naruto wouldn't grow up being abused and becoming more screwed up than he already is but how, despite that, all of the kids his age are cold to him because of the attitudes of their parents?

Iruka-Sensei: Yes.

3rd Hokage: Well...now the viewing audience knows it, too. Thanks for helping me out with the exposition. By the way, Naruto's got a rough road ahead of him.

Iruka-Sensei: Well, since this is a Fighting Anime™ and since the title happens to be his NAME, I would have to concur.

Ebisu: Ha ha! I found you, young master!

Konohamaru: What, you're still IN this episode?

Ebisu: Of course! I'm a very important character! I also symbolically represent the cold, dismissive attitude the adults in this village have towards Naruto.

Konohamaru: Feh. Who cares? Take this, you glasses-wearing freak!

*POOF* *turns into an attractive naked girl*

Ebisu: So Naruto has taught you the Ninja Arts of Comic Relief. Big deal. I'm not the kind of man who can be flustered by a single naked girl.

Naruto: How about this? Shadow Replication! *POOF*

Ebisu: Yawn...

Naruto replicas: *transform into hot naked chicks* MEGA-GLOMP!

Ebisu: **NOSEBLOOD WATERFALL** Someone call the Red Cross. I think I just lost half my bodily fluids. And I'm not just talking about blood here...

3rd Hokage: Hm. So Naruto combined the Shadow Replication and the Sexy no Jutsu to create the ultimate Horny Old Man Finishing Blow. I don't know whether to be impressed or deeply, deeply terrified.

Konohamaru: Darn. I suck. It's not fair. I guess wanting something more than anything isn't enough to actually GET it for you.

Naruto: Nope. Sorry. It takes hard work and determination and...well... being a main character certainly doesn't hurt.

Konohamaru: I see. Okay, I'll keep that in mind. And from now on I'm no longer your disciple. I'm your rival.

Naruto: Yeah, well, you've got some sprouting to do before I consider you a legitimate threat.

Konohamaru: Well I've got plenty of time to grow up - this series is up to - what, a gajillion episodes and counting?...

Naruto: Yeah. And since my name's the TITLE, I'm gonna have to be around for eeeeeevery minute of it.

Konohamaru: Oh, poor YOU...

On to Episode 3: A Rival?! Sasuke and Sakura