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Kohona Village: Aaaah! We're being attacked by a giant killer Pokemon!
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Demon Nine-Tailed Fox: GRRR! Get in mah belly!
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4th Hokage: Welp, time to heroically sacrifice myself and become a mythical figure for the rest of the series.
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Demon Nine-Tailed Fox: Oh poopie. I've been sealed away into the stomach of a small baby. I guess my reign of terror is over.
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Baby Naruto: But mine is just beginning!
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**12 years later**
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Naruto: Woo hoo! Random vandalism is fun! Bart Simpson, eat your heart out!
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3rd Hokage: Sigh. I sometimes wonder if we traded up in this whole demon-fox sealing deal.
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Iruka-Sensei: Naruto, you're a complete screw-up! You'd better straighten up and fly right, or you'll find yourself flunking out of ninja school. Then all the other ninjas will laugh and call you names and they won't let you join in any of their ninja games.
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Naruto: Whatever.
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Iruka-Sensei: Time for the transformation technique review test! Thanks to Naruto being such a screw-up, you're ALL going to have to take it over!
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Classmates: Oh great. Naruto, you're becoming the Gomer Pyle of this outfit!
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Naruto: Like I care.
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Sakura: Look! I transformed! You saw me do it, didn't you, Sasuke?
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Sasuke: Sorry. I was being too much of an angst-filled, self-absorbed badass to notice...
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Shikamaru and Ino: Naruto, you suck.
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Naruto: Still not caring.
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Hinata: I'm different from them, Naruto. And it's not just the fact that I have eyes like a zombie. It's the fact that I actually like you.
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Naruto: If I knew, I probably still wouldn't care. It's my turn now. POOF!! *Turns into a voluptuous naked girl*
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Thousands of rabid fanboys: This is the BEST ANIME EVAR!
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Cartoon Network Censors: Gasp! Nudity! Quick! Where'd we put those digital bathing suits we used for Tenchi Muyo?
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Sexy-no-Jutsu Naruto: Oh relax. It's not like you can actually SEE anything with these strategically swirling clouds and such. Lighten up.
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Iruka-Sensei: *nosebleed* This is the WORST breach of classroom rules I have eve--um.....excuse me.... I have to go to the bathroom for a little while...
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Naruto: Stupid teacher... making me clean up my own mess.... Stupid parents.... being dead and making me live all by myself...
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Iruka-Sensei: Oh stop bellyaching, and when you've finished cleaning up the Ninja Mount Rushmore here, I'll buy you some ramen.
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Naruto: Yay! Watch how fast I tow the line when there's free eats involved...
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Iruka-Sensei: Well, YOU seem an easy kid to figure out, although I still don't know why you'd deface the statues of the Hokages.
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Naruto: Because I'm going to become a Hokage some day, and my head will be on that mountain, bigger than all of 'em...
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Iruka-Sensei: You've already GOT a big head, kid. In fact, I don't know if they make forehead protectors big enough to cover it.
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Naruto: We could find out right now...Let me try on yours.
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Iruka-Sensei: No dice. You get yours tomorrow if you graduate.
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Naruto: There's no way I can fail! There's only one subject I'm really bad at--
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Iruka-Sensei: --And it just happens to be the subject of your final exam.
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Naruto: Thanks for nothing, teach. Oh well. Here goes--
**POOF!**
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Naruto's Replica: Please kill me. My every waking moment is agony....*gasp*
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Mizuki: Um, we could grade on a curve... just this once...
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Iruka-Sensei: What do you think this is? An American school? We can't pass him...
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Naruto: Crap. Just when I was thinking I couldn't feel any MORE alienated from the other people in this village.
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Villagers: Our thoughtless, insensitive comments probably aren't helping in that regard.
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Mizuki: Poor you, Naruto. Iruka really wanted to see you succeed, since he was once a loser orphan like yourself.
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Naruto: Could've fooled me. *Sigh* The line for gloating over my misfortune forms to my left.
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Mizuki: I'm not here to gloat. I'm here to generously (and for-no-ulterior-reason-whatsoever-I-assure-you) reveal an important plot point. Lis'n up...
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Iruka-Sensei: I'm feeling guilty about doing my job... Perhaps some flashbacks would illuminate the situation for me and help me to feel better about it.
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*Flashback*
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3rd Hokage: I know you want to go easy on the kid because he grew up without parents, like you did. Even if the demon inside of him WAS somewhat responsible for your parents joining the Cemetery Club...
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Young Iruka: Mom! Dad! Don't die!.....Wait... I'm confused. Is this still part of the first flashback?
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Iruka-Sensei: I don't know, but since this is a Fighting Anime, I doubt it's going to be the LAST flashback we see in this series...
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Mizuki: Iruka-sensei, I hate to interrupt your flashback session, but I have terrible news. Naruto's stolen the Scroll of Sealing!
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Naruto: Well gee - the very first technique covered in the scroll is the one technique I happen to be bad at. How incredibly contrived convenient.
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3rd Hokage: I'm going to have to lower the boom on that Naruto kid if he takes the scroll out of the village.
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Mizuki: Not to worry, I won't let that happen! (Because I plan on killing him and stealing the scroll myself!) *diabolical lesser villain laughter*
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Iruka-Sensei: Naruto!....Wait...*pant*...up...
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Naruto: Oh man, I'm caught already...
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Iruka-Sensei: Yeah. Lucky for me you skipped class during the "How to Make a Clean Getaway" section of the ninja curriculum...
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Naruto: Speaking of class, if I show you this new technique I learned, I can graduate, right? Mizuki said so!
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Iruka-Sensei: Why would he tell you a thing like that?
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Mizuki: *throws knives*
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Knives: SPLUT!
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Iruka: Oh... Right... This is--
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Admiral Ackbar: --A TRAP!
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Mizuki: Ta-DAAAA! Okay, kid, it's time I gave you a little lesson about life in the REAL world. Namely, don't trust anyone. Ever.
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Iruka-Sensei: Okay, here's another lesson, Naruto: Sacrificing yourself for the good of another is...really, really painful.....ouchies...
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Naruto: WTF?
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Mizuki: Hey kid. Hand over that scroll and I'll let you in on the BIG SECRET that no one else in the village is allowed to tell you about.
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Iruka-Sensei: LALALALALA WE'RE NOT LISTENING!!!
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Mizuki: Shut up. *drum roll* Naruto, YOU are the nine-tailed fox that attacked the village 12 years ago! That's why you suck and that's why everyone hates you!
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Naruto: Well great... As if my life weren't filled with enough angst...
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Iruka-Sensei: Uh-oh. I feel another flashback coming on, although I'm not sure if this is the safest of times to be having one.
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3rd Hokage: Not to worry. Nothing bad can ever happen to you while you're having a flashback. It's the First Law of the Narutoverse. By the way, Naruto is just acting the way he does because he's lonely and wants attention.
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Mizuki: And now I'd like to demonstrate the SECOND Law of the Narutoverse: Once a flashback is over, all bets are off. *throws largest shuriken in the world*
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Iruka-Sensei: Ah, but the THIRD Law of the Narutoverse is: "You will always be able to snap out of a flashback in time to keep a disaster from happening."
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Shuriken: CHORK!
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Iruka's back: SLICE.
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Iruka-Sensei: Okay, so you might not be able to keep the disaster from happening to YOU, but still...
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Naruto: You took a shuriken for me! Why?
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Iruka-Sensei: This next flashback should explain everything...
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Mizuki: Gah! Enough with the flippin' flashbacks already! Just DIE, will ya? By the way, Naruto, Iruka doesn't really care about you. Oh, and you're adopted. And you're ugly and you dress funny!
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Naruto: Enough with the wearing down of my self-esteem already! *flees*
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Mizuki: Well, Iruka. Either I'm going to kill Naruto and steal the scroll, or he's going to use it to screw the entire village over. Either way it doesn't look as if a flashback's gonna help you get out of this one...
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3rd Hokage: It's a good thing my crystal ball picks up the Exposition Channel. (Although it's not quite such a good thing when things are tanking this badly.)
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Mizuki: Hah! Time to wrap things up by using my transformation spell!
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Iruka-Sensei: Funny. I had the same idea...
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Naruto: Hm. Too bad Eavesdropping Three's-Company-style isn't part of the ninja curriculum. I'd totally ace that part of the exam.
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Mizuki: You idiot! Naruto's evil, like me!
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Iruka-Sensei: That might be true......but he's no monster. He's a decent kid. (A crappy student, but a decent kid.)
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Naruto: ... Whoa...So this is what validation feels like...
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Mizuki: Okay, enough touchy-feely crap. DIE ALREADY!!!
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Naruto: Oh no you don't!
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Mizuki: Heh. What's a screw-up like YOU gonna do about it?
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Naruto: *POOF*
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Thousands of Naruto Shadow Replicas: ...Bloood......
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Mizuki: ....I am well and truly fucked, arent I?
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Thousands of Naruto Shadow Replicas: Yes. You are. **MEGA-PUMMEL**
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Mizuki: Geez, and I didn't even last long enough to become a cosplayable character.
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Naruto: Done and done. *dusts off hands* Sensei, are you okay?
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Iruka-Sensei: Of course. It takes more than a few knife wounds and a severed spine to make me forgo my teacherly duties. Speaking of which. Here. You passed. Welcome to the Shiny Headband Club.
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3rd Hokage: Awww. Alls well that ends well...Although the REAL ending is probably isn't for another 500 episodes.....
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Naruto: Cool! My very own forehead protector! Of course, I probably could've bought one off of ebay for 10 bucks and avoided all this trouble but...this is still pretty tight.
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Iruka-Sensei: Alrighty then! Let's celebrate! I'll take you out for some ramen!
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Naruto: Um, shouldn't we get you to a doctor first? You look pretty badly injur--did you say RAMEN? Let's EAT!
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On to Episode 2: I am Konohamaru
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