Episode 16: The Beginning Of Nadesico's War


Ruri: Our paradigms just shifted without a clutch. In this episode, though, we're going to strip the whole gearbox.

Megumi: Hey, hot stuff, wanna sit between the pretty chicks?

Tsukumo: I couldn't! Really! I'll just stay up here in the pilot seat with my knees knocking and my face beet red.

Minato: Okay, you are officially irresistible. Get back here and pilot ME, you jerk! *GRAB*

Tsukumo, Megumi and Minato: INNUENDO! WACKY WACKY TOBACKY INNUENDO!!! WHEEEEEEE!!!!!

Yurika: Um, something's a bit fishy about that thing's flight path.

Akito: Maybe it's a fight, since Megumi and Minato were obviously taken against their will, right?

Ryoko: Well, why don't we just ASK 'em then? Assuming he'll even speak to me considering we're enemies and all.

Tsukumo: Ew, icky scary Earth girl!

Ryoko: URGE TO KILL RISING-

Akito: We're coming to save y-er, someone's shooting at us.

Akatsuki: Well, we ARE sort of in the middle of a battlefield.

Ryoko: Oh yeah, well, I've got the MAD SKILLZ to pursue!

Jovian fleet: KA-BLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE.

Ryoko: ÖOr maybe not.

Akatsuki: Were you talking?

Ryoko: BITE IT HOTSHOT.

Yurika: Y'know, I can't help but notice that Jovian guy looked an awful lot like Yamada. He even had the Brett Weaver voice, too.

Ruri: Y'know, captain, you've actually got a point there.

Seiya: Maybe Gai was a spy! Gai The Spy!

Howmei: Oooh! A fake death! It must be part of a giant CIA conspiracy!

Goat: Maybe the Illuminati were involved too. The truth is out thereÖ

Akito: Did you idiots forget that I sort of WATCHED HIM DIE?

Inez: Things just look worse and worse, don't they?

Prospector: No shit. So you guys were building a battleship without letting the UEF know? How naughty.

Erina: Yeah, well, the alliance with the UEF was sucking anyway. Back to the original plan of conquering Mars. The Nadesico's not our big gun any more, anyway.

Prospector: This crew isn't nearly as stupid as you think they are, Erina. They already have a pretty good idea that they're being used.

Erina: Feh.

Admiral Munetake: Pardon my drunken entrance, but I'm pretty sure you Nergal guys are up to something!

Erina: No shit, Sherlock.

Admiral Munetake: They tell the tart everything about the Jovians and keep me in the dark? WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Akatsuki: Qwitcher bitchin'. If it makes you feel any better, I know more than you do too.

Erina: By the way, the reason Akatsuki knows this too is because he's the-

Omoikane: CLIFFHANGER.

Prospector: Computer security sucks.

Ruri: Eh, there are ways around it.

Prospector: Why Ruri, how clever of you! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Ruri: If you meant "broadcast their conversation to the entire ship", then yes I am. ÖWow, we're actually agreeing on something. These are strange days.

Erina: The Jovians were from Earth, but then we sort of kicked them out 100 years ago.

Megumi: So we're prisoners, right?

Minato: And yet we're eating good food and watching Gekigangar. HMM.

Tsukumo: Everything all right?

Megumi: Is there any particular reason we're being treated so well?

Tsukumo: Well, you ARE women, after all.

Minato: How sexist.

Tsukumo: Ah, but with sexism comes chivalry, too.

Minato: Point.

Tsukumo: Anyway, we based our entire society around Gekigangar. 'Tis the bible of our generation.

Minato: You guys sure are screwed up. So how come so few people crew these ships?

Tsukumo: Simple. Only Jovian males can boson jump safely. It took 100 years of experiments just to get to this point.

Megumi: Y'know, you guys sure seem nice. So, uh, how did you become slimebag murderers?

Genichiro: We learned from you guys! And what's up with all this crazy weird Earth lingo for our equipment?

Minato: Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?

Tsukumo: Anyway, we only attacked because you guys were going to attack us.

Minato: Eh?

Nadesico logo: Well, kids, get ready. Megumi's about to dial up the Angst-o-meter and then cease to be a major character in the series.

Erina: You see, 100 years ago, some people on the moon wanted to break away from Earth.

Akatsuki: Just like in 80% of the Gundam series plots, Earth started putting down the rebellion violently by setting the revolutionaries against the moderates.

Admiral Munetake: B-but I thought we werenít involved in that.

Akatsuki: Excuse my blood-chilling laughter, but thatís because thatís what you were taught to believe.

Erina: We not only instigated the fighting, we then kicked the survivors off the moon at gunpoint. They went to Mars, then to Jupiter. The IMF UEF disavowed any knowledge of their existence. End of story. OR WAS IT?

Yurika: Well, golly gee, that wasnít too nice.

Goat: No shit.

Genichiro: But wait, thereís more! Not only did you kick our ancestors off the moon and took our land, you then kept on attacking us after we moved to Mars.

Tsukumo: And it all had to do with good old fashioned human greed. I know this sounds a bit too much like a Rage Against The Machine song to believe, but thatís how we wound up on Jupiter. Fortunately, we found THE ARTIFACTô.

Akatsuki: That would be the Phase Transition Engine and robot factory in Jupiterís orbit that the Jovians found. ...Isnít two-part narration cool? So anyway, theyíre fighting this war to get revenge on us.

Admiral Munetake: Uh, wow, thatís heavy.

Yurika: Erina, you are SO FULL OF SHIT.

Erina: Hey, that's war.

Yurika: AND WEíRE NOT PAWNS!!!!!!

Genichiro: Well, time to fuck Earthís moon base up.

Megumi: Um, what about our ship?

Tsukumo: Uh, itís going to get blown up too. ...Is that a problem?

Jovian lackey: Hereís your tapes back, maíam.

Genichiro: OMG YUO M34N TEHY A3TU411Y H4V3 TEH L05T G3KIG4NG4R EPS??? THAT = R0XXX0R!!!

Megumi and Minato: What the fuck?

Genichiro: I am the ULTIMATE otaku! I watch anime WHILE Iím fighting! *BOOM*

Tsukumo: Oops, did we just blow up your new battleship before you could launch it? Aw, too bad.

Shakuyaku: Sheesh, I need a new agent. *CRUNCH*

Genichiro: Allow a moment of pathetic irony as I drawl about the sanctity of life while killing lots of people. *BOOM*

Akito: Iím BAAAAAAAAAACKKKKKKK!!!!!! *BOOM*

Seiya: Um, every mechanical book Iíve ever read says you shouldnít attach something to your vehicle if it has a different electrical system. You sure you still want to use this module from the Shakuyaku?

Yurika: No sweat, itíll work out. THIS IS ANIMEô.

Erina: Excuse me while I get really redundant about what Uribatake just said, but itís not such a good idea to hook the Y-Unit to the Nadesico, captain.

Yurika: No shit, bitch. But Iím the one giving the orders, so you can take your little opinions and shove them.

Ryoko: And weíre stuck on the sidelines once again.

Hikaru: Yeah, but do you really want to be out there killing people?

Genichiro: Ow! I may be getting my butt kicked, but thatís no reason to stop prattling about justice!

Akito: Do me a favor, asshole. Tell Gai I said hi. *TCH-CHK*

Megumi: Donít do it Akito!

Minato: Weíve seen the light! The Jovians were right!

Tsukumo: Uh, now please move so I can blow your ship up?

Akito: Just how stupid do you think I am?

Megumi: But we were wrong!

Akito: That doesnít mean we can stop fighting, you dumb bitch! Being right has to take a backseat to being alive!

Yurika: Basically! Akitoís right, youíre wrong, Megumi.

Tsukumo: Aw shit, the ship caught me inside its distortion field.

Erina: The Jovianís trapped? That doesnít mean Akitoís off the hook.

Yurika: Sure it does! Thanks to Megumi and Minato going on the robot with that Jovian guy.

Inez: How true thou art, captain. If that guy jumps, theyíre dead.

Yurika: And we all know heís WAY too chivalrous to do that.

Erina: What makes you so sure?

Yurika: Because unlike you, I have a freaking soul.

Genichiro: Tsukumo, you are a REAL MORON, you know that? Women donít belong on a battlefield.

Yurika: Wanna bet?

Akito: Oh, by the way, long-hair, PAYBACK TIME! *BOOM*

Megumi: Um, stop? Please?

Tsukumo: Genichiro canít do shit anymore, punk, so stop shooting him. Iíll exchange the girls for him and then weíll settle this.

Megumi: Stop, please? Pretty please, with sugar on top.

Akito: This is sort of a MATTER OF SURVIVAL, Megumi.

Megumi: But we're in the wrong! Why can't you just go back to being a wussy pushover so I can passive-aggressively nag you like a mother hen?

Akito: In case you forgot, Megumi... this is war. Oh fine, go. But donít tell me your name.

Tsukumo: Have it your way. *FLASH*

Megumi: Okay, I know you saved my life repeatedly, Akito, but Iíve decided youíre a psycho. Consider yourself dumped. *SOB, FLEE*

Akito: ...!

Seiya: She wasnít even the prettiest one, Tenkawa. Youíll get over it.

Jun, Akatsuki and Goat: Welcome to Dumpsville, whoa/
Population: YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Akito: ISNíT THIS SHOW SUPPOSED TO BE A COMEDY?????????

Ruri: Talk about a feel-bad ending. I suppose we can at least hold Mr. Asamiya responsible.

Kia Asamiya: It only goes downhill from here, kid.

On to Episode 17: A Reunion That Came Too Late

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