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Episode 6: Sort Of Like A Fateful Decision
Ruri: Well, somehow or other we managed to live two weeks without strangling each other. We made it to Mars, but can we win? The answer may shock and surprise you. Ryoko: Kicking ass and taking names is the order of the day, girls! *BOOM* Hikaru: Yay us! We rock! *BOOM* Izumi: Excuse me while I promptly dampen the mood… along with your armpits. BWAAHAHAHAHAHA! Ryoko: You are a complete nutjob. Akito: Maybe it's just me, but I think I'm being toyed with. Inertia sucks! Waaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!! Admiral Fukube: Captain, bring the Aestivalises back before they get FUCKED up. Yurika: Huh? I was too busy cheering on Akito to pay attention. Prospector: Aw, don't sweat it, Admiral. We have a complete technological advantage here. No problem. Oooh, check out my Gendo Ikari glasses reflection. Ryoko: Aw damn, they've got shields on their battleships! Izumi: Welp, we're screwed. Akito: OUTTA MY WAY POONTANG!!! YAAAAAAHHHH! *SPANG* DAMN! Ryoko: Sunday driver! Hikaru: That was cool! Or at least it would have been if it had worked. So what do we do? Akito: I know! Time to whip out my melee weapon that is DEFINITELY NOT a Prog Knife. Ryoko: What a maroon! Akito: Think again, Second Child-er, Subaru! Shields ain't got nothing on trigonometry! Jovian battleship: KAAAAAAA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM Ruri: Welp, Tenkawa just took out 80% of the enemy fleet with one hit. Let's land. Minato: Hope you don't mind if I flirt with you, "Ruri-Ruri!" Ruri: Help. Me. Ryoko: Tenkawa, that was past cool. Hikaru: Like, totally! Dude! Akito: Aw, shucks! Ryoko: I'll hold off on flinging myself at you for a few more episodes, though. Akito: That's fine, I've got enough girls to deal with as it is. Ruri: Here come the nanomachines. Megumi: Duh, what are those? Ruri: They let you breathe here by modifying the atmosphere.
Prospector: And while this whole sequence appears to be a minor thing to maintain scientific feasibility, it's going to turn out later to be a VERY MAJOR plot point. So pay attention. Yurika: And don't sweat it if you swallow or inhale one, you'll crap it out in a few days. Megumi: OMG THE CAPTAIN'S A MARTIAN??? LIKE AKITO??? Uh-oh… Minato: Down we go. Ryoko, Hikaru and Izumi: Waaah! The ship's shaking! We're all strong, independent girls, so let's cling to Tenkawa. Akito: Whatever. Seiya: Tenkawa, you suck! *SPLAT* Jun: So now that we're here, where do we start searching? All the colonies are destroyed. Prospector: The old Nergal facility at Mount Olympus, of course. Uh, there's a humanitarian reason for it! Really! Akito: I wanna borrow an Aestivalis and check out the Utopia colony. Yurika: You mean, our old home? The one that was destroyed when a Chulip fell on it? Admiral Fukube: … Goat: Uh, that's a pretty dangerous thing to do. Admiral Fukube: Let him go. Akito: Woo hoo! Enjoy my thanks now, Admiral, before I learn your secret and turn on you in the worst way the next episode. Ryoko: Okay, we're outta here. Megumi: Hey Akito, I wanna come… with you. Akito: Oh, what the hell. Seiya: TENKAWA, YOU SUCK, YOU ALWAYS GET THE CHICKS! Akito: Uh, hope you don't mind if I look up your skirt, Megumi. Megumi: I was standing like this on purpose, duh. Yurika: This blows. I don't trust her for a second! I'm outta here. Admiral Fukube: Uh, no you aren't. Yurika: When in doubt, turn to a Gekigangar doll! Jun: Oh for Christ's sake! Ruri: I haven't been snide in a while, so: The doll would make a better captain anyway. Ryoko: Well, this was a wild goose chase. What's the deal with this facility? Prospector: Duh, it's where we discovered the first Phase Transition Engine. Wanna have a look-see? Ryoko and Hikaru: Um… Prospector: I promise not to pull anything funny. Ryoko and Hikaru: Oh, all right. Nadesico logo: Oh, what tangled webs we weave… what kind of an eyecatch is this supposed to be anyway? **** Prospector: Pretty cool how our elevators still work after months of inactivity, huh? Built Nergal Tough! Anyway, here's the Phase Transition Engine we based the Nadesico off of. We've studied it for 30 years and we still don't totally understand it. Ryoko: That probably means it causes cancer with prolonged use, huh? Megumi: So, uh, you and Yurika weren't an, um, ITEM, when you were like, six, were you? Akito: Despite Megumi's attempt to engage me in conversation, I think I'd rather have a flashback about being punished for when Yurika almost got herself killed and I tried to save her. I was a little control freak about machines so I got a nanocontroller. Megumi: And yet, you're trying to be a cook. Um, why? Akito: Just take a look at the soil. Megumi: Okay, I know I'm not in high school any more, but… EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!! Akito: Yep, the soil's gross, so stuff grown here tastes gross. I must overcome it. That's me and cooking in a nutshell. Megumi: Awww, that's so sweet. I'm gonna lavish compliments on you now, and… oh for the love of God, Akito, just do me right here, right now! Akito: Uh, um, uh… ACK! *SCHWOOP* Megumi: Akito, I'm pouring my heart out for you here… um, Akito? YIPE! *SCHWOOP* Inez: Well well, some visitors dropped right in. We're the last remnant of Martian colonists. Akito: Sweet! Let's blow this joint and head back to Earth! Inez: Uh, nope, that would never work. We'd be blown to bits. Megumi: What the hell do you know? Inez: Well, I am Inez Fressange, aka the Explanation Lady, and I know EVERYTHING. Yurika: Hey there everybody! Miss me? Inez: Get bent. Admiral Fukube: Well, this is one of the ruder reactions from rescue subjects I've ever seen. Inez: Shove off, Admiral, we're not about to get killed trying to get back to Earth. I helped design the friggin' ship, I know what I'm talking about. You've all dug your own graves, congratulations. Yurika: I've had about enough of this shit, Ms. Doom-And-Gloom-Pessimist. Ruri: Um, 35 Jovian ships heading our way. Yurika: Nuke 'em! Gravity Blast Cannon : KAAAAAAA-BLLLLLLOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE. Yurika: See? No problem. Inez: *sigh* Captain, you need to watch more Dragonball Z. Jovian fleet: BOOOMM!! Just kidding, you didn't even touch us. Inez: You see? They have distortion fields too, and they can throw as many ships as they want at us through those Chulips! You all got a bit too big for your britches, and now we're going to die for it. Yurika: Well, bring up the distortion field.
Megumi: But if we do that, we crush all the survivors down there! Yurika: Shit. Akito: Shit. Ruri: Even I have to say, shit. Admiral Fukube: We have no choice, raise the shields. Megumi: We can't raise our shields, we just can't! Minato: And we can't move off the ground in time to avoid the attack! Inez: It doesn't get any more Kobayashi Maru than this, kids. Welcome to REAL WAR! Ruri: Well, captain? Yurika: ... Akito: ... Yurika: Okay, this is gonna be a real short series if we get blown up here. Shields. Shelter: *SQUISH* Jovian fleet: *KAAAAAA-BLOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!* Inez: Well, we knew this was gonna happen. Ignoring the fact that they'd all be alive if they'd have just come on the damn ship, that is, but I like to think dying this way was a lot less painful for them than how WE'RE going to die. Yurika: Isn't… this… supposed… to… be… a… com-GACK! *PUKE* Akito: ... Yurika: Akito, this is all fucked up. I'm about ready to storm into that fucking psycho Kia Asamiya's office and demand my walking papers. Akito: For the love of god, pull yourself together! We've still got 20 episodes to go! Yurika: They're drawing my lips now, so… please kiss me. Akito: ACK! And you saw me kiss Megumi? Oh god oh god oh god… time to wuss out. Megumi: Yurika, childhood friend or not, this is WAR. And I'm not gonna lose. Yurika: Aw shucks, thanks for giving me a chance to misinterpret that as encouragement! Whee, we're back to zany love comedy again! Yee haw! Megumi: Captain! Um, captain! Shit… |
