Episode 5: Ruri's Navigation Logs

Ruri: Okay, we've got three new pilots now. They're all complete head cases, but I'm thinking that's par for the course with this show. Oh yeah, Akito and Megumi sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Not that I'm jealous. No sir.

Yurika: This is bo-ring.

Ruri: At least I can pass the time making computer game puns. Miss Izumi would be so proud of me right now…

Minato: Ha ha, I get to indulge my lazy side and you don't.

Ruri: Whoopdie doo, incoming laser attack.


Ruri: It won't even make it through the distortion field, they're just taking pot shots at us.

Yurika: Uh, wow, kids these days sure are smart.

Ruri: Plot point: I'm friggin' 12 years old. By anime standards that's almost over the hill, isn't it?

Yurika: I'm 20, what do you think that makes me??? Anyway, I guess I'll just have to obsess over Megumi and Akito kissing to pass the time.

Megumi: Um, is there any particular reason you're staring at my neck, captain?

Prospector: Captain, funeral time!

Yurika: Ah, nothing like a good old Shinto funeral to lower the temperature about 30 degrees. Celsius, of course. Naturally, I'M the one who gets stuck doing the ceremonies, huh? Oh well, one little funeral can't be that bad.

Jun: AHAHAHAHAHA NO. Now the Catholics!

Thousands of rabid fangirls: OMG JUN LOOKS SO KAWAII IN A NUN'S HABIT!!!!! ^____^;;V

Jun: Now the Hindus! Now the Hare Krishnas! Now the Eastern Orthodox! Now I think the producers are just making religions up to perpetuate the joke!

Yurika: Being captain sucks! Waaaaahhh!!!

Jun: Remember kids, the Earth is small, but very diverse. So we have to make sure we account for this diversity in every aspect of our operations or we're gonna get sued.

Yurika: But isn't over 70% of our crew Japanese?

Jun: Um, just ignore that plot hole, okay? Now the Unitarians! Now the Quakers! Now the-


Prospector: Stop whining, it's all in the contract. Expect to hear that repeatedly from me over the course of this episode. Since this appears to be my moment to shine, I'll throw in an employment pitch for all you prospective Nergal employees out there that won't be born for another 175 years!

Yurika: Fuck this shit. At least it's over.

Ruri: Nice hat, captain. And you still have to deal with the burial requests. All 100-no, 200-no, uh… good thing I know calculus.

Yurika: So this is it???? I'm a fucking funeral tool?

Megumi: Don't be silly! You're a wedding tool, too, remember?


Ruri: Megumi, you are a complete bitch.

Megumi: Really?

Ruri: Yup.

Megumi: Really?

Ruri: Yup.

Megumi: Really?

Ruri: Yup.

Megumi: Oh well.

Howmei: Nothing cheers up a lousy atmosphere like home cooking! Oh, and don't fuck that dish up, Tenkawa.

Akito: Whoops.

Howmei: The Earth is small, but very diverse. So we've got to make all kinds of food, got it?

Akito: I see… so this simple truism is not just a thorn in Yurika's side, but mine as well.

Howmei: Looks that way. Now get in the spice room and find the stuff I need, pronto.

Yurika: More funerals… sheesh. I'm getting Akito separation anxiety.


Yurika: Great Scott, Marty-I mean, Akito! That's it! I have to fulfill my responsibilities and THEN get laid! Business before pleasure! Thank you for showing me the light, Akito!

Jun: I don't know what the hell that was about, but at least she's energetic again.

Ruri: Nice hat, captain.

Yurika: Oh, who am I kidding? I'm sick of this. What's the meaning of life, Ruri?

Ruri: Fortunately, that's just the question our main computer was designed to be asked. Basically, being a captain doesn't mean shit any more because of computers running everything, so your only real responsibility is to look good and be a cheerleader.

Megumi: In other words, you're completely worthless.


Ruri: Megumi, you suck.

Megumi: I know, but I can't help it. Honest.

Nadesico logo: Weeeelll, Megumi's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch, she's a bitch to all the BOYS AND GIRLS-except for Akito. Quack.

Howmei Girls: See you tomorrow Ms. Howmei! We promise to be even happier!

Howmei: Uhm, what happened to Tenkawa?

Akito: Oh, I'm just staring at the spice rack. Now I can use that time-honored excuse for tardiness legitimately!

Howmei: I'll refrain from snickering and drop a story about how I decided to learn how to cook every dish on Earth so I could never disappoint a soldier with his last meal.

Akito: That is so deep! I want to grow up to be just like you!

Howmei: Um, okay, I'll try to teach you how to cook better, but don't forget that it's a BIT more important for you to pilot so we ALL don't end up eating our last meals.

Akito: But I don't WANT to fight! I'm sick of being ordered around! Oh crap, I'm channeling Shinji again…

Ruri: So fighting games have de-evolved to the point where kanji are duking it out. Lame.

Ice Queen Megumi: Um, where's the captain?

Ruri: You scared her off, bitch. She's in the meditation room.

Yurika: Captain, captain, captain! What does it mean? What is the word? What is the thing-whoa, this is totally cosmic!

Ruri: Dude, she's trippin'.

Megumi: Trippin'?

Jun: Trippin'?

Prospector: Well, Mr. Aoi, I guess that means you're the captain for now, so… FUNERAL TIME!

Jun: Whoo hoo, I get to have an ass made of me again.

Ruri: Believe it or not, this B.S. went on for two weeks.

Yurika: Okay, I am totally going to get enlightened. But I can only become enlightened if I stop thinking about… Akito!

Ryoko, Izumi and Hikaru: Don't worry, we'll be happy to take him off your hands.

Akito: Three on one action, baby! Yeah!

Yurika: AAAAAH!! No, Akito, come back!

Ryoko: This is the only time you're going to get to see my butt, boys, so take a good look.

Thousands of perverted fanboys: Yes ma'am!

Megumi: Even failing that, I'll still steal him! Neener neener neener!

Yurika: AAAARRRGGHGHHGGHHH!!!!!!!! Even my fantasies suck now!

Meditation robot: *WHACK* Stop whining and concentrate

Akito: I don't wanna fight! I do! I don't! I do! I don't! I'm schizophrenic and so am I!

Yurika: Akito! What serendipity! Let's solve all our problems magically by doing it right here in the meditation room!

Akito: Are you on crack?

Yurika: The only thing I'm high on is YOU, dearest!

Meditation robots: *WHACK WHACK WHACK* Bad naughty anime characters.

Yurika and Akito: OW!

Megumi: Captain, I know I'm the last person you want to see right now, but there's sort of a mutiny.

Seiya: Captain! We shall have words!

Hikaru, Izumi, Seiya and Ryoko: Sorry about having to take you hostage and all, Megumi.

Megumi: Er…

Yurika: Okay, where's the fire?

Seiya: This whole thing was a hoodwink! We got ripped off the minute we put our John Hancocks on that paper!

Ryoko: Make sure you read the VERY FINE print at the bottom, captain!

Yurika: Hmm. "No groping, no making out, no sex."


Ryoko and Hikaru: *WHACK* More speech and less visual aids, perv.

Seiya: I came on this ship to get laid, and dammit, I'm gonna get laid!

Hikaru: Hope my gentle mockery doesn't damage his argument TOO much…

Prospector: Ladies and gentlemen of the anime class of 1996, I have one piece of advice for you. No matter what the doujinshi artists tell you, there is no sex on the high mobile battleship. None. Oh, there's BATTLES on the high mobile battleship. But you don't want battles. You want sex. And there's no sex on the high mobile battleship.

Seiya: You're full of it, old man!

Prospector: You signed the contracts, so there.

Seiya: Time for my coolest line in the whole series. "We're un-signing it."

Hikaru, Izumi, Seiya and Ryoko: *TCHCK-CHCK*

Prospector: Guns in my face don't faze me, kids. Read it again.

Yurika: This episode is going totally overboard.

Admiral Fukube: By the way, kids, we're getting close to Mars, you might want to pay attention to what the Jovians are getting ready to do-


Everyone: AAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!!!

Yurika: Ruri, we're not dead yet, are we?

Ruri: No, but we're in deep shit as it is.


Yurika: I'VE HAD IT. I know the contract is a crock everybody, but I think we're all better off alive and sexually frustrated than dead! So let's put the mutiny on hold and whip lizard ass!

Ryoko: Nicely put, cap, let's rock! *BOOM*

Akito: Does this mean I get to wax philosophical again? It does? Cool! I HATE FIGHTING BUT I DON'T WANNA DIE!!! YAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! *BOOM*

Ruri: Jovians to the left of us, contracts to the right of us. This situation just keeps getting uglier and it's all the grown-ups' fault. Idiots.

On to Episode 6: Sort Of Like A Fateful Decision