Episode 2: Leave the Blue Earth To Me

Ruri: Just a reminder, we're Earth's trump card against the Jovian invasion. And I think I just mispronounced "Nergal." The rest of the crew's idiocy must be rubbing off on me.

UEF Bigwigs: Civilians have no idea how to run a war, so the Nadesico would be better used within the massive, incompetent, wasteful military bureaucracy. Admiral Misumaru, we don't want to make you twist your daughter's arm, but... go twist your daughter's arm.

Admiral Misumaru: Excuse my pretty pathetic attempt to act cold and uncaring about my daughter's feelings.

Ruri: By the way, I think "Nadesico" means "Flower" in Japanese. That's right, we're in the High Mobile Battleship Flower. Now do you understand why I think this whole affair is stupid?

Goat: Akito, you've been a very, very bad boy.

Gai: Yeah! Akito, you suck! Glory hog!

Goat: That's enough out of you, Superklutz.

Akito: So I'm the back-up pilot now, huh? But I'm supposed to be a cook! Really! Honest!

Admiral Misumaru: Check it out! Silent Service, baby! Oh, look, a Jovian Chulip. Good thing it's going to stay completely inactive. Let's round 'em up and bring 'em back to the corral. Oh yeah, and I'm lusting after my daughter again. Hey, crew, on just how many levels is that COMPLETELY WRONG?

Thousands of perverted fanboys: We don't blame you, man.

Yurika: Hmm, Akito sure is acting shy. He must feel intimidated by my higher rank.

Thousands of perverted fanboys: Or maybe it's your INTENSE HOTNESS!!!!!!! *slobber*

Yurika: Yeah, that crossed my mind too. Hey, Akito, hope you don't mind if I walk into your room while you're getting out of the shower!

Akito: Oh dear god, the doujinshi artists are going to have a FIELD day with this little faux pas...

Ruri: I'm sure glad I'm not old enough to have a libido.

Yurika: I'm just glad to finally be back together with the boy who's been obsessing over me since we were five!

Akito: Uh, I'm pretty sure YOU were obsessing over ME.

Yurika: Oh, whatever. So, I'm totally bummed that your family's dead. What a tough break, eh?

Akito: Bite me.

Yurika: Fine, you wanna get pissy, I can be pissy too. Eat empty soda cans! *WHACK SMACK KLUNK*

Akito: OW! Okay, I'll explain why I'm here. But first, Planeteers, remember to recycle!

Akito and Yurika: THE POWER IS YOURS!

Entire Crew: ARGH! *SPLAT*

Akito: You see, my parents didn't die in an accident, they were murdered.
I'll take you back to 2183/
Before I ever had a multi-platinum selling DVD...

Young Yurika: Waaaaaah!!!
Young Akito: HOLY SHIT!
Mr. and Mrs. Tenkawa: GACK.
Young Akito: Mom! Dad!...What's this crystal? I guess I should take it with me...

Akito: So that's what happened. This episode, we're ripping off Gundam Wing, so: friend or not, I won't hesitate to put a cap in your airy head if your family had anything to do with it.

Yurika: Wow, that's a wedgie up the ass. Now since this is supposed to be a comedy, watch as I completely misinterpret your death threat as a pick-up line.

Akito: Okay, there goes my bad-ass allotment for the show. Time for me to be a subservient wuss again.

Prospector: So everyone, sorry we've pulled the wool over your eyes so far, but we did have a reason for it. And that reason is: The military are evil bastards who can't be trusted.

Admiral Fukube: We're heading to Mars.

Akito: Woo hoo! Road trip! Just like heading back home, except home's destroyed and the folks are dead... why was I excited again?

Howmei: Get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie! *KLONK*

Akito: Stop the world, I wanna get off ...ungh...

Jun: I don't like it. Shit, there go my lines for the episode.

Ruri: I agree. If our objective is to save people on Mars, we're probably wasting our time.

Prospector: Well, we still feel it would be in the best interests of Nergal--I mean, humanity.

Admiral Munetake: Uh-uh! Sadaaki don't play that!

Admiral Fukube: What exactly is the point of taking us hostage?

Gai: Admiral Munetake, you suck! Whoops, whole lotta guns in my face. This isn't eerie foreshadowing at all...

Admiral Misumaru: Yo.

Admiral Munetake: And here's my back-up, right on time. NOW who's incompetent and inefficient?

Minato: Ruri, whether you're vital to the ship's operation or not, it would probably be in your best interest to bite your tongue on that one.

Ruri: *sigh* Oh, all right.

Yurika: *sigh* Okay Daddy, is this about that 20,000 yen belt I bought on your credit card?

Prospector: Well, golly gee, this isn't too nice of you, especially after we struck a deal for our freedom!

Admiral Misumaru: So, we're supposed to let the best weapon available go waltzing off to Mars and leave us with nothing? Just how stupid do you think we are?

Minato: Ruri, zip it.

Ruri: Damn!

Admiral Misumaru: Anyway, hand over my luscious daughter and the master key and we'll consider negotiating.

Gai: Don't do it, captain! I've watched enough anime to know it's a trap!

Jun: Well, I think the UEF's battle plan makes more sense than ours. Yurika, please listen to me, at least I know how to pronounce your name right! It's "YUHR-ih-kah," you morons, not "EUREKA!"

Admiral Fukube: Just in case you forgot, captain, you don't have to listen to the military.

Admiral Misumaru: Hmph, that won't do. Time to turn on the charm. As much charm as a dirty, incestuous old man can manage anyway...

Yurika: Well...*click*

Gai and Admiral Fukube: SWEET JESUS GOD NO!!!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!

Minato: And we are now...

Ruri: ...officially sitting ducks.

Admiral Munetake: Later, major losers.

Gai: Never say die, baby! Never say die!

Seiya: We're dead.

Gai: I think this is about time to start ranting.

Megumi: Damn, now I'm never gonna score.

Minato: Life's disappointing. Expect to have that concept drilled into your head repeatedly, viewers.

Gai: When in doubt, watch anime!

Akito: Did someone say anime???

Akito, Megumi, Ruri, Minato, Howmei, Seiya, Goat and Admiral Fukube: WHOA!

Ruri: Ha ha, you have to wait until after the commercials to see what Gai showed us.

Thousands of anime fans: No we don't, we've got DVDs.

Ruri: Grrr.

Nadesico Logo: Quack Quack.


Gai: It's GEKIGANGAR 3!!!! Greatest. Show. EVER.

Akito: Whoa!!!! Dude, you're into Gekigangar 3??? OMG!!! UR 1337!!!

Gai: D00D, UR 1337 2!!! Oh, wait, it's Glory-Hog.

Akito: What was that, Mr. Dumbass-Who-Can't-Handle-His-Own-Damn-Robot?

Gai: Wussy!

Akito: Screw-up!

Megumi: It's a sad thing that fanboys should fight fanboys.

Ruri: Idi--well, you know the drill.

Yurika: Daddy, get a clue. I know you're trying to sweet-talk me. Now what's the deal with the Tenkawas?

Misumaru: The Tenkawas? The ones that lived next door to us?

Yurika: Um, actually, one's still living.

Gai: Gekigangar kicks butt!

Akito: It's fun, but predictable.

Gai: Stop nitpicking!

Akito: Sheesh, okay.

Admiral Misumaru: Murdered? Inconceivable!

Yurika: Hoo boy...trust my destined lover or my own father? Gee, let me think...

Prospector: Uh, I'm back. And Nergal thinks the UEF is full of shit.

Gai: Check out the inspirational speech! What am I doing on a battleship? Chris Farley ain't got NOTHING on me!!!

Akito: Allright, what the hell, I'm with Gai. Let's bust out. I'll save Yurika.

Admiral Misumaru: Aw damn, of all the convenient awful times for the Chulip to activate and start destroying our battleships.

Yurika: I'm busting out. Now stop fucking with me, Dad, I want answers about the Tenkawas.

Jun: Crush or not, I'm siding with the UEF, Yurika, so there.

Yurika: Jun, talk to the hand.

Admiral Misumaru: I've just been hoodwinked by my own ditzy daughter??? NOOOOO!!!!

Goat: That pussy Rambo couldn't even handle the recoil from ONE of these machine guns. Watch as I sling two.

Akito: Let's a-go!

Ruri: Heh.


Ruri: What can I say? Stupidity is contagious and I caught it from you.

Admiral Munetake: Oh, sh--GACK! *WHANG*

Howmei: Cook Power!

Minato: 10 Power!

Seiya: Oh by the way, Tenkawa, you're taking the wrong kind of Aestivalis for this job.

Akito: Yeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwww----SHIT!!!!!!!!!!! *SPLASH*

Yurika: Don't worry, Akito, I've got a plan.

Akito: That's plenty of reason to worry for me.

Minato: Whoa, check out the tentacles on that Chulip!

Hentai-Doujinshi artists: ...BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!

Yurika: Fire that shit up, Ruri.

Ruri: Um, name-confused gimp guy wants into the fight.

Gai: I'm here to save you, Akito! Now let's continue the proud and wacky tradition of yelling out attacks!

Akito: I don't wanna, Yamada.

Gai: Stop whining AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CALL ME GAI!!!!!!

Akito: All-righty! Time to kick butt with my spankin' new frame!!!

Prospector, Minato and Megumi: That's so crazy, it just might work.

Ruri: I'd place my money on "crazy," though.

Yurika: All right, aim for the Chulip, ramming speed!

Minato: Uhm, did you just say what I think you said?

Yurika: Trust me.

Megumi, Minato and Ruri: GULP!

Akito: ARE YOU NUTS???

Chulip: Mmm, high mobile battleship! My favorite!
Gravity Blast Cannon: KAAAAAAAA-BBLLOOOOIIIEEE!!!!!!!!

Akito: Okay, it worked, but I still think she's nuts.

Gai: Time for a soliloquoy: "That was cool."

Yurika: To outer space! Every one of us!

Admiral Misumaru: Allright, I know when I'm licked. We won't pursue.

Jun: Well, I'm definitely not getting laid now.

On to Episode 3: A Goodbye That Came Too Soon!