Episode 1: To Go Like A Man!

Ruri: Who needs exposition? Let's just cut right to things going horribly wrong.

Admiral Fukube: An unidentified object is approaching Mars. Since this is supposed to be a comedy, let's give it a fruity floral nickname and crash a ship into it.

Akito: Somehow, a dimensional gate dropping into my hometown isn't very funny to me.

Robots: Hi, Akito, we'll be your bloodthirsty mechanical antagonists today.

Akito: Shit.

Ai: In case you don't know what my name means in Japanese, I'm innocent and sweet and cute.

Akito: Innocent and sweet and cute and about to be blown up, if you don't move it.


Akito: In the meantime, I'll successfully fight a bulletproof mech off with a Jeep.

Robots: Knock knock.


Robots: Fooled you!


Akito: Uh oh, surrounded by robots. Cowardice is highly overrated. I think I'll just die freaking out.


Prospector: It's been one year since the Jovians showed up and the military has gotten its butt kicked time and again..

Goat: Whatever.

Nergal Bigwig: Anyhoo, the time has come to launch the super-dee-dooper secret project, the Schaparelli Project!

Goat: I thought the ship was called the Nadesico.

Prospector: Don't worry about the semantics, Mr. Hoary. We are fully prepared to offer you Money and Chicks.

Goat: Cool. Huh huh-huh.

Prospector: Anyway, it's time to assemble the crew. Since THIS IS ANIME(tm), the crew will consist mostly of good-looking, neurotic weirdoes who spend more time squabbling with each other than working at their jobs.

Goat: In other words, the usual gang of idiots.

Prospector: You certainly have a way with words, Mr. Hoary.


Seiya: Check this out! *beep!* I've done it! IT'S ALIVE!!!! IT'S ALLLIIIEEEEVVVEEEE!!!!!!

Goat: It's also shooting missiles at us.

Prospector: Shall we negotiate the terms of your employment, Mr. Uribatake?

Seiya: Do I get Money and Chicks?

Prospector: Well, technically, I can't promise that...

Seiya: Good enough! This is my chance to escape my frigid wife and live the life every perverted middle-aged Japanese salaryman dreams of!

Goat: Gee, that was easy.


Minato: Time to quit my job of being a high-level secretary and strike a blow for women everywhere by letting my cleavage hang out of my shirt!

Goat: I love you.

Minato: Whatever.


Megumi: I'm so cute! Don't ya just wanna sex me?

Prospector: No, but in addition to a nice ass, you have a nice voice, so we would like to employ you.

Megumi: Will I get to meet whiny guys voiced by Spike Spencer?

Prospector: Well, technically, I can't promise that...

Goat: *checks script* *I* can.


Ruri: I'm an antisocial albino girl hooked up to a machine.

Prospector: We like that. Come work for us.

Ruri: You say that like I have a choice... I saw the suitcase full of gold you bought me with, jerk.

Goat: Cute kid.


Jun: Yurika, would you hurry the heck up?

Yurika: Oh, Jun! Why did you quit the academy to come with me to Nergal anyway?.

Jun: Well, you're a brilliant tactician, incredibly friendly and kind, you have a pretty voice, a cute face, huge, um....tracts of land, and I think I'm desperately in love--uh, I mean I wanted to help you.

Yurika: Oh, Jun! You're a great friend!

Jun: FRIEND? Noooooooooooo! I'm in the friend zone! Mayday!

Admiral Misumaru: YUUUUURRRRIIIKKAAAAA!!!!! Open the damn door!

Yurika: No!

Admiral Misumaru: Yes!

Yurika: No!

Admiral Misumaru: Yes--oh screw it. Jun, let's just knock the door down and walk in on her naked.

Jun: Wait a minute, I--HOLEY CRAP!!!

Yurika: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!

Admiral Misumaru: I'll break the tension by paying my daughter a perverted compliment.

Yurika: The garbage can in your face is just my way of saying, "Thanks, Dad."

Jun: Don't mind me, I'm too busy wondering if my nose is ever going to stop bleeding.

Akito: Hmm, I'm not dead yet. Wuzzup with that?

Patron: Oh look, another air raid.
Second Patron: Let's watch something more interesting--a cook freaking out.

Akito: Nooooo! People dying! Robots all around me! And if that wasn't bad enough, I burned the rice!

Boss: Sorry, but you're making me look bad. You're fired, looney pilot boy.

Akito: Dammit! I'll just wax philosophical on my bike and almost get hit by a car then.

Yurika: Whoops. A suitcase just fell out of the car.

Akito: Wow, surviving Jovian robots to be done in by a suitcase. I'm not sure whether my body hurts more than my pride.

Yurika: Thanks for helping me with my stuff and ogling my panties, strangely familiar cute guy! Buh-bye!

Akito: Wait-a-minute... YURIKA MISUMARU!! I know her! She knows me! Maybe she'll tell me what the hell happened to my parents! Or at least I can get her to pay my medical expenses!

Ruri: Commercial break, idiot.

Nadesico Logo: I look like a big beak.

Admiral Munetake: I'm an evil jerk. Now sit back in awe and watch me whine!

Ruri, Megumi and Minato: Excuse us while we mock you behind your back.

Admiral Fukube: ...

Yurika: Okay, pal--eee!!! This is my big entrance, so... Taa-daa! Captain on the bridge! Hope my aggravatingly perky personality doesn't strain your sanity TOO much! ^_^V

Everyone Else: Pardon us if we're a little underwhelmed.

Ruri: Meanwhile, I'll look twice as mature as you despite being a little over half your age.

Akito: Oh my God! I'm trapped in Episode 26 of Evangelion!

Prospector: Stay tuned for more Shinji Ikari parallels as the series progresses. Akito Tenkawa, huh? Anyway, you're the hero of the series so I guess we'd better let you on the ship. However, we reserve the right to yell "Get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie" at any time.

Gai: Yeeeeeeeeee-haaaaaaawwwww!!!! *pose crash*

Seiya: Good god, there's a looney on the loose in the hangar.

Gai: Anyway, how's everyone doing? I'm the greatest anime character of all time, but you can call me Gai Daigoji

Seiya: But that's not your name. It's Jiro Yamada. *sigh* Cue Running Joke #1.

Gai: It is not!!! And that's the bottom line because Stone Cold Daigoji said so!...Oh, and by the way, I just broke my leg. *whimper whimper splat*

Akito: Oh man, if I was a girl, I'd be SO having this guy's baby... Uh oh, a crisis. How convenient unfortunate that I would wind up stuck in the cockpit of Gai's Aestivalis at a time like this...

Robots: Hey, Akito, we're baaaacck!!!

Admiral Munetake: Let's nuke 'em! Sure it'll take our guys out too, but...still, isn't that the most brilliant plan you've ever heard?

Megumi and Minato: Admiral, you suck.

Yurika: I've got it, let's play a shell game with a high mobile battleship.

Gai: Not to worry cap, I'm on the case!

Seiya: "Multiple compound fracture".

Gai: Shit.

Ruri: Meanwhile, Akito's taking the robot out while you all bumble around.

Akito: I'm getting outta here! If the Jovians don't kill me, the Eva mockery will..

Admiral Fukube: I'd praise him for his initiative, but this IS against orders...

Gai: Whine whine whine! No fair!...


Akito: You made my ditzy childhood friend the captain????? Okay, I am officially screwed.

Yurika: Let's kick off the mission with flirting and witty banter. Go kick butt Akito, even though you've never piloted an Aestivalis before!

Ruri: I'll give you a little data, Tenkawa, but it does *not* mean I have a schoolgirl crush on you. No sir.

Megumi: Knock me up, you whiny cook!


Akito: I'm surrounded by idiots!!!

Ruri: That's my line. Idiot.

Goat: Okay, here's the Jovians. Make an ass out of yourself for ten minutes and everything will be hunky-dory.

Akito: Screw you guys, I'm going home.

Gai: Akito, you suck! Get back there and fight like a man!

Akito: Okay, fuck running away, I guess I'll kick ass after all.


Introspective moment, hopelessness of war... WHOOPS! Time to kick ass again!


Yurika: Heeeeere's Naddy!!!

Ruri: Okay, NOW we can nuke them.



Admiral Fukube: Okay, I guess you proved yourself, captain. You did well too, Tenkawa.

Yurika: Oh, Akito, you're a true romantic! You came all the way from Mars just to see me! The hell with the ship, let's get married and make lots of wild, kinky love! Oh god, I've got to get used to "Yurika Tenkawa..." Yippie Skippie!!!

Akito: What the hell have I gotten myself into?!

Megumi: No fair!

Jun: You can say that again!

Ruri: Enough with the screeching already! Mr. Greenfield, take the amphetamines AWAY from Spike Spencer and Jennifer Earhart.

Thousands of Anime Fans: Shut up, Ruri! This is the best dub ADV has ever put out. No wonder it took them so long to release it.

Ruri: Grr. Idiots.

On to Episode 2: Leave the Blue Earth To Me