Millerna: Oh no! The Black Dragon Clan is about to attack the caravan!

Allen: There's still time for me to toss off a cool one-liner before they come, right? I mean, I get so few chances to do anything cool in this movie. *Sigh*...

Beast Men: Gee, it would appear that the human race isn't the only species in the universe stupid and crazy enough to engage in the time-honored tradition of suicide bombing. *KA-BOOM*

Gadeth: This is SO "Road Warrior"...

Hitomi: Hey. What's going on?

Merle: It's a battle, stupid. And it looks like we're about to be brutally killed.

Ruukusu: Naw. Just brutally kidnapped. *strangle*...

Allen: Geronimoooooooo! *SLASH*

Migel: Oh great. So I get offed early in the movie as well? My agent is SO getting his ass kicked. *URK*

Van: Merle! Wake up....What happened?

Merle: Hitomi's...been kidnapped... by a furry.

Van: I shall pursue!

Jajuka: Our guy is being pursued by...(ZOOOOMM)... some kid in a bearskin skirt.

Ruukusu: Don't move, girly!

Hitomi: Uhhh. And you are--?

Ruukusu: An ancillary character who,--judging by the fact that I wasn't in the TV series,-- probably won't be around for much longer.

Van: Ruukusu? Why are your people doing this?

Ruukusu: Because YOUR people are murderous dinks!

Spear: VSSHHHHHHHHH--KA-THOK!!!!!

Ruukusu: See? Urrkk-- *THUD*

Dilandau: Whoops. Butterfingers. Oh well. Plenty more where that came from. Let's see. Who shall I kill next? How 'bout you, Skirt Boy?

Van: Grrr. HADOUKEN!!!!!!

Dilandau's Horse: No cartoon animals were harmed in the making of this picture....NOT! *EXPLODE*

Hitomi: Whoa... Trumpy. You can do magic things...

Dilandau: Oh poo, it's raining. I'm getting all wet. And some of my men just died. Guess which of these things is of more concern to me. No wait. On second thought, let's just have a pointless and violently over-the-top action scene.

Van: Yet another pointless and violently over-the-top action scene? Okay. I suppose It beats having all that boring, long, drawn-out character development which was so prevalent in the TV series.

Dilandau: Grrrr! I CASTS THE SPELLS WHICH MAKES THE PEOPLES FALL DOWN!!

Van: Yeah, well, so do I. And I can fight with a sword, too!

*FLASH* *SWING* *SLASH* *ASSKICK* *SHATTER* *REPEL* *CRACKLE* *EARTHQUAKE* *COLLAPSE*

Hitomi: Well THIS is a scene which should look familiar to those who've seen the TV series.

Van: I gotcha! Like the wings?

Hitomi: Yes. Unfortunately, due to time constraints, we're not going to be able to explain to the audience what their full significance is. (Or why your people are known as the "Dragons" when--when you think about it-- it would probably have made more sense to call them "The Birdmen".)

Van: What? Did you say something Hitomi? I've been kind of mortally wounded here...

Jajuka: Let him die and thus be released from the suffering of war. And the audience from the suffering of having to watch their favorite characters bastardized in this bloody, action-driven movie adaptation of a superior, more-character-driven TV series!

Hitomi: No! I've changed my view of this whole "wanting to die" thing! It's stupid! I want the both of us to live now! (Isn't it nice how in ANIME™ all it takes is a simple action sequence to change a person's entire outlook on life? Psychological counseling... Anti-depressant medications... Feh. Who needs 'em?)

Folken: Time once again to show the audience what an evil bastard I am.

Dilandau: Yikes! You can bet if you'd managed me like this in the TV series, I wouldn't have been such a snot.

Folken: You weren't really going to be using these fingers for anything important, were you? *KRACK*.

Dilandau: Nothing. Aside from wrapping them around your throat and --URK!

Folken: Hmph. You may be an untrustworthy psychopath who just made an attempt on my life, but you ARE one of the few people on this planet with Dragon Blood running through your veins, so I guess I gotta do the best I can with what I have to work with. So...changing gears now... how would you like me to give you some snifty new powers?

Dilandau: Yeah. That'd be nice. But can I have a new spleen and some new fingers first?

Excavator: Well, well, what have we here? Another big-ass mecha. I'm sure what happens in THIS scene isn't going to be of any importance later on in the movie.

Allen: So the enemy has found another armor just like Escaflowne?

Gadeth: Yeah. The underling of a guy named Dryden told us all this.

Allen: Gee. Dryden. I bet we won't be seeing HIM at any point in this movie. Just like I'm sure there'll be no chance of our hooking up with Van and Hitomi again...

Hitomi: ...who are now stuck in a hut in some little podunk town in the middle of nowhere... I wonder. Why is it, no matter how badly an anime hero is injured, and no matter how desolate the region he's in, he'll always find someone around willing to take him in and patch up his wounds?

Elder: It's just a ploy for those of us who are old and unattractive to get some screen time. Think about it, when have you ever seen elderly people in an anime at any time OTHER than when they're helping the heroes?

Van: So this is the "slow" part of the movie, I guess. Where we sit around and share our feelings, and where you get to learn more about my backstory.

Hitomi: And where we get to tantalize the audience with the idea that something of a vaguely romantic nature might occur between us.

Thousands of young, male American anime fans: Yuck! Romance! Hey, we're the intended audience for this movie and WE get to say what happens in it! Enough mush! Let's get back to the killing and the hurting and the explosions and the spurting of blood already!

Van: Oh....Fine. Let's head to Torushina now.

Ruhm: You kids be careful out there! Have fun stormin' da castle!

Hitomi: So this "Dryden" guy is secretly funding the good guys? And he owns a restaurant?

Van: Yes. Where scantily-dressed catgirls sing torch-y versions of ancient folk songs.

Naria: It's...

Eriya: ...a living.

Dryden: Yeah! Get down wit' yer bad selves! Hiya kids! Like my new digs?

Van: Yeah, unh.... Can we spare the small talk and just get the plot rolling again? I haven't killed anybody in a while and I'm starting to get angsty.

Dryden: Fine. THIS way, Your Psychoness...

On to the Escaflowne Movie: Part 4

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