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Airship Pilot: Well, all systems normal. It doesn't look as if our "special cargo" is going to give us any problems.
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Commander: True, but I'll engage in a little foreboding foreshadowing anyway. Just for kicks.
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Van: DEATH FROM ABOOOOOVEEEE! *SPLUT*
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Lookout: Ow! That must've hurt.
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Van: Naaaw. It didn't. THIS will, however. *SLICE*
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Lookout: *splurt*
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Van: Whoa, one minute into the movie and I'm already in BERSERKER MODE!!! *slice* *swing* *kill* *slaughter*
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Soldier #1: What the fuck is THAT?!
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Soldier #2: It's a Human Cuisenart!
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Van: He slices! He dices! He juliennes fries! And cannon-fodder extras! *kill* *asskick* *maim* *spinch*
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Vice Commander: Oh, not to worry. It's only one man. What can one man do?
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Van: This! *SHHHK!*
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Vice Commander: Irony...I...hates...it... *THUD*
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Van: Heh heh. And Then There Was One...
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Commander: So... You must be that Dragon that everyone's been talking about.
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Van: Yes. Time to roll out my Heero Yuy-esque signature catchphrase: "I will kill all my enemies!"
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Commander: Gee, you not only sound like Heero Yuy. You look like him too.
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Van: And I kick ass like him too! **SLICE** **KILL** HA! I'm, like, a thousand times cooler than that pussy TV version of Van...
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Thousands of Anine Fans: Not to mention a thousand times more psychotic. Dayam.
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Van: Nuts to you. Welp. I'd better go get what I came here for. Heeeey! Es-ca-flow-ne! Wakey, wakey! It's time to go!
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Escaflowne: I'm not going anywhere until I've had my morning coffee.
MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE IN A SUBWAY STATION IN JAPAN...
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Young Hitomi: Awww. Aren't I cute? Hey, what's the deal with Japanese children in anime having these damned spots on their cheeks? Uh-oh. Daddy's watch just stopped. So has Daddy. So has the entire subway station. Except for that boy over there in the Celtic Kimono. Wonder who he could be...
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Young Van: ....
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Hitomi: Hunh? It was all a dream?
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Yukari: Dreaming again, Hitomi? Was it that dream you had about that strange occurance from your childhood, when you saw a guy in weird clothing at the subway station?
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Hitomi Yes, although come to think of it, seeing people in weird clothing at a subway station really isn't all that strange an occurance, is it? Don't know why a memory like that should stick out in my mind so much...
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Yukari: Maybe it's because you have no life and nothing to do. Except write weird notes addressed to me.
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Hitomi: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T OPEN IT!!!
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Yukari: Oh I see why you didn't want me to read it. This is the most poorly-written suicide note I've ever seen! Really, Hitomi, if you're going to kill yourself, you ought to at least TRY to put a little effort into it.
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Hitomi: I can't. I'm a coward. And a wuss. I'm a female version of Shinji Ikari, basically.
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Yukari: Oh, that would explain all the whining, angsting and subway riding going on here. Gee, Hitomi. I sure hope, like Shinji, the entire fate of the world won't be resting on YOUR shoulders anytime soon...
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Hitomi: I don't know about that. Some weird guy in a cloak is calling me, and in ANIME™, weird guys in cloaks suddenly showing up usually mean some serious shit is about to go down. Your concern for my welfare is getting on my nerves, by the way. I'd like you to beat it.
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Yukari: What-ever.
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Hitomi: I musn't run away... I musn't run away--whoops...I mean..... Just vanish....just vanish.....
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Cloaked Man: Yesss. That's the ticket.... Don't Fear the Reaper/
Baby take my hand/
Don't Fear the Reaper/
Baby I'm your man.
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Hitomi: The hell? Who are you? |
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Cloaked Man: Someone who's every bit as nihilistic as you are. I'm here to help you fufill your destiny. Come, Wing Goddess.
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Hitomi: Is this a dream? Or is it an illusion? No. It's the coolest animated sequence in the entire movie. Wooow. An entire unseen world existing right beside our own. What a fantast--*glub glurble glubbb*
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Moleman: I made it into the movie! Yaaay!... But I'm dressed as Ru Paul. Booo.
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Millerna: Too bad, Moleman. I can't say my movie outfit is much of an improvement either. I mean, why bother to wear armor if it only covers up 15 percent of your body, leaving all your bare midriff exposed? It makes no logical sense.
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Thousands of Perverted Fanboys: Believe us, Princess. It makes perfect sense! *drool*
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Allen: Well I for one am not complaining about my new look. I look like Sephiroth on steroids. Drink me in, ladies!
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Thousands of Rabid Fangirls: Yes SIR! *gulp*
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Hitomi:*Blub**Gurgle* (Translation: Hey, where'd all the water come from?)
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Van: At last, the Dragon Armor is awakening! And it seems to be a bit cranky...
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Escaflowne: WHERE'S MY MORNING COFFEE, DAMMIT?
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Van: Eep. Leggo!
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Hitomi: GASP! Thank God. The water drained out. I'm safe.
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Moleman: Ah! Here it comes! The Black Dragon's airship! Just as I predicted!...Hm. It would seem I'M the one with the Ultra-Mad Psychic SKILLZ in this continuity. Looks as if y'all are all gonna have to start treating me with a little more respe---URK!!!
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Gadeth: Gee, Moleman. You make a nice footrest. Oh, and the airship's not showing any signs of stopping, by the way.
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Van: I'm okay... I've got everything under control...no need to panic.......Hmm. How did Fay Wray handle this situation again?
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Merle: I sense Lord Van's in trouble! (Oh, and isn't it nice that, thanks to my new and improved older-looking character design, you can now leer at me without being accused of pedophilia?)
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Thousands of Perverted Fanboys: Oh yeah. Like THAT would stop us. *LEER*.
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Allen: Shoot down the airship.
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Cannons: *BLAM*
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Hitomi: Did I say I was safe? I meant "screwed." Ow! Stop the ride, Mommy! I wanna get off! |
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Van: The ship's breaking up over this adobe village. Better bail.
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Airship: *CRASH* |
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Van: Yeah, I know running would probably be a lot faster. But rolling is way more fun. Wheee!
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On to the Escaflowne Movie: Part 2
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