Dornkirk's Fortress: VOOOM!!!!

Soldier#1: Whoa. Did someone slip LSD into our rations? What is up with the sky.pro?

Soldier #2: Well, either the Zaibach capitol's been destroyed... or Pink Floyd is holding one of them laser light shows somewhere in the area.

Soldier#1: Bitchin'. Hope they play "Dark Side of the Moon." I love that song.

Hitomi: So this is the Absolute Fortune Zone, eh? Looks more like the Northern Lights.

Ghost of Dornkirk: Quit nitpicking. What this means is that everyone on the planet will finally get their wishes granted and live in a state of eternal peace and happiness.

Hitomi: Yeah. Unless the Fate Redirection machine goes kerblooey and burns everything into a crisp just like it did back in the days of Atlantis.

Ghost of Dornkirk: It won't, little Miss Worrywart. I've thought of everything.

Hitomi: Oh yeah? Well, how about if what everyone wishes for isn't eternal peace but the chance to wail on their enemies without any sense of honor or system of social control holding them back?

Ghost of Dornkirk: ............Uh-oh.

Basram, Chesario and Deidalas Generals: Alright everybody! Kill everything that moves!

Basram, Chesario and Deidalas Soldiers: Okeley-dokeley do!

Allen: Houston, we have a problem.

Gadeth: The hell? Suddenly the battlefield has turned into a British soccer match.

Paile: Errr. And it looks as if we're going to turn into a pile of broken debris and mangled corpses if we don't steer ourselves out of the path of that oncoming Basram ship!

Gadeth: Zoinks! Evasive action, like, NOW!

Kio: ...Um, sir? Those big funny-looking, non-aerodynamic rocks on either side of the ship. Those weren't really.....IMPORTANT, were they?

Gadeth: May day! May day! Women and ruggedly handsome secondary characters first! *CRASH*

Van: Can't we aaaaaalllllll just get along?

Hitomi: So, Mr. Newton.... Mr. Greatest-Genius-Who-Ever-Lived.... Why is all hell breaking loose?

Ghost of Dornkirk: Short answer: People are psychos.

Dilandau: Hey, I resemble that remark. Woo hoo! This brave new world is fun! And best of all, since everyone ELSE is acting just as looney as I am, I won't be looked upon as such a misfit anymore!

Jajuka: I lost track of Master Dilandau. Uh-oh. My concern has triggered an Obligatory Mid-Battle Anime Flashback Sequence...

Sorceror: Here. Take this whiny kid and look after her until the time comes for us to perform horrible life-wrecking fate experiments on her.

Young Jajuka: Okey-dokey.

Young Celena: *sniff* *whimper*

Young Jajuka: Aww. Poor thing. Let me help cheer you up....Um... You...... look good with short hair? ....Aw come on. You may have been ripped away from your home and your loved ones, but that's no reason for you to cry.

Young Celena: You really suck at this whole "cheering me up" thing, y'know? And I'm not crying because I'm homesick. I'm crying because this is my biggest scene and it's nothing more than a rushed, obtuse series of flashbacks. *sniff*

Hitomi: Trust me, kid. Being a main character in this series wasn't all it was cracked up to be.....So anyway, old man. How about shutting off the machine and stopping the war? Is that even a remote possibility?

Ghost of Dornkirk: Sorry. No can do. Unlike MOST anime villains, I was too intelligent to think of putting a self-destruct button on my Doomsday Device.

Van: It's the red guymelef! Man...It seems I can't take two steps onto a battlefield without running into THIS weirdo...

Dilandau: So, Van... This is it. This will be our last fight fight, mano-a-mano!

Van: Yeah, except... You're not really a man, are you?

Dilandau: Look, are we gonna argue about semantics? Or are we gonna wail on each other like red-headed stepchildren?

Van: Gee. I've defeated you many times before. What makes me think I can do it again? Hm...Oh wait... Maybe this? *SMASH* *SLICE* *DISMEMBER*

Dilandau: D'oh. I've just been chopped up like the Black Knight. Looks like it's "Freak-Out-and-Hope-Someone-Steps-In-To-Save-My-Ass-Again" Time again.

Jajuka: Fear not, Master Dilandau! I, your faithful canine companion will jump in and save--

Van: **SLICE**

Jajuka: Ohh poopie. Uhm, Master Dilandau? Before I'm engulfed in flame, might I advise you to morph back into your cute girl form and feign complete ignorance of all the war crimes you've committed up till now?

Dilandau: Um. Okay. *TRANSFORM*

Serena: Ohh my.... Where am I?

Van: --About to be killed by me!

Hitomi and Allen: No wait! Van! Don't do it!

Van: Wate Wut? Come on, guys. You're spoiling my big climactic "final showdown on the battlefield" scene.

Allen: I got news for you, Dragon Boy. Your big climactic "final showdown on the battlefield" scene ain't with him. It's with ME.

Van: Suits me fine. I've been wanting to kick your fey, big-haired ass ever since you first humiliated me in Episode 3.

Allen: Yeah? Well get ready to experience a little Deja Vu! HAVE AT YOU!

Gadeth: Whoa! The Boss and the King are goin' at it. And not in a "misguided fangirl's attempt at yaoi fanfiction" kind of way. In a "smash each other off the face of the planet" kind of way!

Hitomi: Why are they fighting?

Ghost of Dornkirk: Short answer: Because it's fun.

Van: Yee-HAW! Eat THIS, you cravat-wearing pouf! *SMASH*

Allen: Take THAT, you gangly-limbed, scruffy-haired freak! *SLICE*

Serena: Hm. I can actually tell that's my brother Allen fighting in that guymelef over there in spite of the fact that he's completely covered from sight. I may have the brain of a five-year-old, but my powers of perception are amazing.

Allen: I'm not surprised, sis. "Amazingness" tends to run in our family. By the way, just what are you doing wandering around the battlefield like an etherized zombie? You wanna get killed or something?

Serena: I may as well, seeing as how, as a character, I'm now only one ten-thousandth as interesting as I was before.

Van: Gee Allen. It would seem "stupidity" also runs in your family. Case in point: Your allowing yourself to be distracted when you know my guymelef's sword is making a beeline for your pointy blonde head.

Van's Sword: SUH-WINNGGG!!!

Hitomi: Daaah! I can't look! Tell me when it's over!

Van's Sword: *CREAKING HALT*

Hitomi: Whew! That was close, Van! You almost sliced Allen's head off!

Van: That was kind of my intention. What are you butting in for, little Miss Busybody?

Hitomi: Hel-looo. I was trying to keep you from killing him.

Van: Oh I see. I get the picture. You're still hot-to-trot over Mr. Puffy Sleeves. Well fine, then. See if I care. Adios.

Hitomi: Was I wrong to assume there would ever come a time when you weren't an utterly clueless jackass, Van?

Ghost of Folken: Death becomes me, does it not? Oh, hey there, Little Miss Sunshine.

Hitomi: Folken! Where you'd come from? What's happening?

Ghost of Folken: Death has made me serene and all-knowing, like a bish version of Obi-Wan Kenobi. As such, I'm here to offer you, the heroine, some friendly advice.

Hitomi: I see... In that case, could you clue me in as to why Van is being so clueless?

Ghost of Folken: As if. YOU'RE the one who's being clueless, Hitomi! Don't you get it yet? Van's acting the way he is because of YOU. Because of the effect YOUR will is having on him. As demonstrated by this silly-string web you both now seem to be caught in.

Hitomi: I see... And the reason my will is having such a profound effect on Van is because.....

Thousands of Anime Fans: Gargghh! If she doesn't figure it out in the next ten seconds, we're rioting!

Hitomi: It's because....I.....love...him?

Thousands of Anime Fans: GAH! FINALLY!!!!

Hitomi: I love Van. Well whattaya know about that?

Thousands of Anime Fans: We know you should've come to this realization about 21 episodes ago. Now as things stand, you and Van only have about ten minutes of screen time left in which to consummate your love.

Hitomi: That doesn't give us much time. And we've still got the denouement to get through yet.

Allen: Well, MY part of the story has a happy ending. I've located my long lost sister. At last, I've finally found the perfect woman --one who won't mind if I behave towards her like a complete control freak.

Serena: And I've found someone I can live with who won't mind if I become parasitically co-dependent upon him.

Van: Oookay... I suppose you could call that ending happy...in principle... Welp. I'm off to go rescue my girlfriend from the clutches of the Evil Empire. Gee. I wonder if she could be in that giant, fortressy-looking building giving off that weird green glow over there?

Hitomi: It's him! My Wesley is coming for me!

Fate Redirector: *CRACKLE* *KER-BLOOSH*

Ghost of Dornkirk: So, just like my experiments with alchemy and about 80% of all the other scientific research I did when I was on Earth, this Fate Business turns out to be a complete bust. Oh well. I'll be a good sport about it and just fade away for no apparent reason. So long, kids! And may the schwartz be with yoooouuuuuu...what a world...what a world....*disappear*

Van: And all that's left for me to do now is jump into Hitomi's arms, kiss her passionately, and...

Hitomi's Classmates: Hiiyeeeee Hitomi! You're good at fortunetelling, right? Can you use your powers to help us sort out our love lives?

Hitomi: Sorry. I gave up fortune-telling.

Van: --THE HELL??!! There was supposed to be a consummation scene here! WUT gives??!!

Thousands of Anime Fans: That's just what WE'RE wondering! What the hell is she doing back on Earth?!

Van: Grrrgh! Now we're flashing back to a "rebuilding the kingdom" scene over in Fanelia! I'm all mixed up!

Merle: Hey! This is my last big scene, so stifle it, okay?

Hitomi: Hey Van! I'm over here! In this graveyard in the woods behind the castle!

Van: The woods? A graveyard? You and me alone together? This makes for a scene rife with romantic possibilities...

Thousands of Anime Fans: It had better. We had to sit through 25-1/2 episodes to see you two finally get jiggy with it. Now start tonsil-boxing!

Van: Wait. I've got to decommission Escaflowne first. After all, the war is over and we've no need of it anymore. (And frankly, I'd feel kind of creepy with it "watching us" and stuff.)

Thousands of Anime Fans: Allrightie then! Let's get it on!

Hitomi: Uhm...

Van: Uhhh.

Thousands of Anime Fans: We can't help but notice that the two of you are not making out with each another. Is there a problem?

Hitomi: Well, part of the problem is that we've only got a minute left in which to wrap this series up.

Van: Another problem is... I've got all my dead friends and relatives watching me.

Van's Parents: Go for it, son! We want grandchildren!

Duke Freid and Marlene: Heh. Don't mind us now...

Folken: Awww. My little brother's all grown up! By the way, Van. I've decided to become a Mormon in the afterlife...

Balgus: Well done, Grasshoppa.

Hitomi: *Sigh* I guess I'd better just pack it up and go back to Earth.

Van: Allright. If you insist. But before I send you home, I'll leave the door open for a sequel.

Thousands of Anime Fans: Yes! Yes! A sequel! Please tell us there will be a sequel!

Kawamori Shouji: Urm... Sorry. This series tanked during it's initial run in Japan so....no sequel....but there IS a movie.

Thousands of Anime Fans: A movie! Ooh! A movie! Please tell us it continues where the series left off!

Kawamori Shouji: ...Sorry. It's one of them "parallel universe" jobbies, like Tenchi Muyo. It's also been made to be darker and more violent than the series in an effort to appeal to male American viewers. Oh, and it's somewhat lacking in story and character development... but it makes up for it with snazzier animation...

Thousands of Anime Fans: Urge to kill...rising...

Kawamori Shouji: ...And sluttier character designs for the women...

Thousands of Perverted Fanboys: Urge to kill....fading....fading...

Kawamori Shouji: Have I mentioned that Dilandau is "all man" in this one?

Thousands of Rabid Fangirls: ...Fading....fading....gone.

Hitomi: Welp! Goodbye everybody!

Pillar of Light: *FLASH*

Merle: So long, romantic rival! Don't come back for a very long ti-yime!

Allen and Serena: I suppose there'd be no point in our trying to explain how we know that's Hitomi and how we know that she's headed back to her home planet...

Millerna: No point in trying to explain ANYTHING, now that the ending credits are starting to roll...

Dryden: Ah. I see I can take comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one who got shafted romantically in this series.

Prince Chid: You DO realize I am gonna be SO scarred for life because of all this...

Moleman: Hi! I'm still a lovable stoner! Feed the birrrds. Tuppence a baaaag....

Hitomi's Classmates: It's so nice that Yukari was able to find Amano, her one true love, and wind up together with him at the end of the series. Shame the same can't be said about you, Hitomi.

Hitomi: ........Piss off.

FINIS

On to Escaflowne: The Movie

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