Episode 25: The Absolute Fortune Zone

Chezario Soldiers: O king of Fanelia. We're from a neighboring kingdom and we've heard that thou art a mighty badass who hath 1337 ninja guymelefin' skillz. Please save our sorry butts.

Van: Allright. I'll do it. But only if you promise to get my chick out of the combat zone.

Hitomi: But don't you want me to stay here and use my powers to help you fight?

Van: No. My days of being a Clueless Anime Male™ are over. From this day forth, I shall be a kinder, gentler, more sensitive person...... Welp, I'm off to go smash things and kill people!

General Adelphos: Meanwhile, here I am stuck with a kick-ass army which I have NOT been allowed to move yet. Gripe gripe gripe.

Emperor Dornkirk: Oh, keep your codpiece on, General Adelphos. The Absolute Fortune Zone will soon appear and when it does, well......something really snifty will happen. Yessir. Yesireee bob.

Allen: *Sigh*. In case this message hasn't been drilled into the viewer's heads with a 220-ton jackhammer already, I'd like to take the time now to repeat it, "War is hell."

Hitomi: Allen... I..I hope that you're not angry about my not choosing to--Wait. Wasn't I wearing my track clothes when I returned to Gaea? Why am I wearing my fuku now?

Allen: Look, Hitomi. Are you going to stand there and belabor the series' latest lapse in continuity, or are you going to help me finish up our last big scene together?

Hitomi: You mean the scene where I send you to Dumpsville, Population: You? I hope you're not too upset about my deciding to not hook up with you.

Allen: Naw. I'm okay with that, cause I know I'm still a total babe magnet. YOU might not have fallen for me, but there's ALWAYS got to be an exception that proves the rule.

Hitomi: Sheesh. Hard to tell which is bigger, Allen. Your hairdo or your ego.

Dryden: War. Hunh. Good God y'all/
What is it good for? Absolutely nothin'.

Millerna: Gee, Dryden. You're not yourself today. Usually you're wandering around in a cloud of blissfully self-absorbed, smarmy optimism. But now you're just sitting here sulking like some whiny teenage Goth poet who's just run out of black eyeliner.

Dryden: One word: annulment.

Millerna: So we're splitsville, then. I suppose... It would be against the Laws of ANIME™ to have a series where the main characters actually wind up together in a stable relationship.

Folken: Ah, Hitomi. Nice of you to stop by. What can I do ya for?

Hitomi: I want you to tell me how to use that machine of yours to create a column of light so I can use it go meet with Dornkirk and ask him to stop being such a weiner.

Folken: I'm working on a plan along those same lines. Except mine involves less "reasoning with him" and more "sticking sharp, pointy things into his freakishly wizened old body until it stops breathing."

Hitomi: This latest vision I'm having suggests that might not be such a good idea. (Unless you WANT your final moments in this world to look like something from the cover of a Death Metal album.)

Millerna: So I realized after Dryden left, that I hadn't married him because I loved him. I only married him because he was rich and because I wanted him to make me happy. I suppose that makes me this planet's version of Anna Nicole Smith.

Allen: Well, princess, if you're in need of comforting, I'll be glad to volunteer my services...

Millerna: Meh. I think I'll go it alone for awhile. Good luck, Allen. And may the God of the Sea watch over you.

Allen: Well, he'll have to crane his neck pretty far seeing as how I'm going off to fight a LAND battle, but still...thanks for the encouragement, Princess.

Jajuka: Um, Master Dilandau? We've been ordered to report for battle.

Dilandau: Battle... Oh yes.... That's where I get to laugh and burn things... yes.... I remember...That'll be fun...yesssss.....fun......gollum....gollum.....

Jajuka: ........Shine on you crazy diamond.

At that moment, in a Basram ship somewhere over the battlefield...

Thousands of anime fans: Wait a minute. Where the hell is Basram? Who ARE these guys? Damn! Could you slow down the pace of this episode for just two freaking seconds so we can catch our breaths?

Basram General: No can do! I have to hurry up and give the order for our army to use our super-duper secret doomsday weapon! Before I die of this heart attack I'm apparently having!

Basram Soldier: But if we use our super-duper secret doomsday weapon, it won't be a secret any longer. Oh, and thousands of our own men will be horribly killed.

Basram General: Acceptable losses. Needs of the many and such. I'd stand here and quote Ayn Rand to you, but I've got a battlefield to decimate!

Hitomi: Merle! What's wrong?

Merle: I'm afraid Master Van might not be coming back! I'm scared that this might be one of those animes where the hero dies at the end and where the viewers walk away feeling all cathartic and the director gets hailed as some kind of artistic genius because he had the courage to let his popular main character get popped off.

Hitomi: No. I'm sure this will be one of those animes where everything works out allright in the end in spite of overwhelmingly hopeless odds and of all the laws of reason and physics! Just think positive and everything will be okay!


Allen: Oh, this must be Basram's super-duper secret doomsday weapon which no one in the series has ever mentioned before despite its tremendous power and importance. Yowza...I sure hope my "main-character invincibility shield" is effective against radiation...

Hitomi: Whoa. Something tells me the whole "blood, death and destruction" thing on this planet has just been taken to an entirely new level. Oh well. At least they can't blame this one on ME...

Bronze General, Steel General & Platinum General: Hey! What's that white light?

White Light: Hello? Did someone order a nuclear holocaust?

Bronze General, Steel General & Platinum General: We didn't!

White Light: I see. Oh well... Have one anyway. On the house.

Bronze General, Steel General & Platinum General: AIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE *EXPLODE* *MELT*

Gadeth: Zoinks! Kio! DUCK AND COVER!!!!

General Adelphos: Damn you, Allied Forces! Using the power of a horrible weapon like that to destroy the city of Hiroshim--er I mean, your enemies! (No, this isn't a thinly veiled criticism of the U.S. decision to drop the atomic bomb during World War II. Honest! We swear!)

Van: Riiiight... Damn. This place looks like Miami Beach the day after Spring Break.

Zaibach Soldier: Hey boy-o! I want you to kill me out of instinct then feel tremendously remorseful about doing so!

Van: Okay. *SLASH* *DESTROY* ...Oh... man...

Hitomi: I sense Van is feeling tremendously remorseful about something. I must end this war and stop his suffering.

Folken: ...And that's my cue to begin whistling like Sergio Leone again...

Hitomi: Folken! I've come here to initiate a final showdown with Dornkirk in hopes of stopping the war. Oh, and I should warn you, if you decide to come with me, there's a good chance you'll snuff it in an extremely painful, yet eerily artistic way.

Folken: Hey, I'm down with that. See these black wings of mine? They're a sign that I'm going to die soon on account of all the bad shit I did earlier. I must atone for my sins with my life. That is my fate.

Hitomi: Gee, well that certainly sucks. I know! I'll use my powers to try and change your fate for the better!

Folken: Right. We all know how well THAT'S worked in the past...

Hitomi's Pendant: *FLASH*

Folken's Machine: *Activate*

Column of Light: **FWOOSSHHH**

Allen: Hey! Anybody see an emotionally unbalanced albino hermaphrodite wandering around in a red guymelef? He's my sister! .....No, I have NOT taken any blows to the head during this battle!

Column of Light: *PLOP*

Hitomi: Wha happa--?

Emperor Dornkirk: Greetings, puppets! I've been expecting you. So nice of you to play into my hands and unwittingly initiate the final phase of my master plan.

Folken: Shut your cakehole, you fate-macking old mummy! In case you haven't noticed, I'm here to kill you!

Emperor Dornkirk: Okay. I'm down with that. Here. Let me open up this sweatbox I'm sitting in so you can get a better shot at me... *FWIP*

Thousands of Anime Fans: Ewwwwwwwwww!!!

Folken: Oh....my.......God..... It's a good thing I'm going to die soon as I'd hate to have to carry an image like THAT in my mind for any length of time.

Emperor Dornkirk: Oh, you think you're so big just because you can strip to the waist and not have people gag in your general direction. So then, boy... You think you can take me?... Go ahead on.... It's your move.

Folken: It's stabbin' time!

Hitomi: No! Stop! Wait! Come back!...Oh why do I even bother?

Folken: *SLICE*

Emperor Dornkirk: *SPURT*

Tip of Folken's Sword: *BREAK* *RECOIL* *STAB* *IRONY*

Folken: D'oh! (Sure I saw this coming but.....Ow.....)

Hitomi: You just KNOW if freaking out were an Olympic Sport, I would SO win a gold medal....

Van: Uh-oh. I'm having warm and fuzzy flashbacks about my brother. Being that THIS IS ANIME™, that probably means he's now dead. Bummer... Gee. It sure doesn't look as if we're headed for a happy ending, does it, folks?

Hitomi: Any ending at this point would be a happy ending as far as I'm concerned. Oh God. Please let this horrible nightmare end right now!

Hitomi's Pendant: *FLASSHHHH*

Fate Redirection Machine: *ACTIVATE*

Ghost of Dornkirk: ...And now... It begins.

Hitomi: What the? XPLN PLZ...

Ghost of Dornkirk: It's finally time to swing into high and wrap this baby up. At long last my master plan to create the Zone of Absolute Fortune has come to fruition. Let's watch, shall we?

Hitomi: We can't. It's time for the final cliffhanger.

Ghost of Dornkirk: D'oh. You mean I have to wait until the next episode to see my brilliant plan unfold? Grrr.

Hitomi: Feh. Some Master of Fate YOU are...

On to Episode 26: Eternal Adoration