Episode 23: Sign of a Storm

Asturian Advisors: Oh, so this Folken guy wants to defect over to our side, eh? We may be short-sighted, pointy-headed government officials, but we aren't STUPID.

Dryden: Yeah. We aren't STUPID.

Folken: I knew you'd all be skeptical of my motives, which is why I've brought you a gift---
These two droids....
Er, I mean, all the information and technological knowhow I picked up while working for Zaibach.

Van: Hmph. So Folken thinks he can weasel his way into full Good Guy standing just by letting us in a on a few secrets, eh? Pah! Perhaps some charity work out here in the countryside would help me to get my mind off him.

Hitomi: Yes. It might also help me to get MY mind off the fact that I helped bring about the disaster which made all this charity work necessary. Ooh. Here comes Millerna and Dryden.

Dryden: Hi guys! How's it hanging, Van? Still in psycho-soldier-mode, I see.

Van: Yes. And you're still in disheveled, laid-back, hippie mode. Geez... Don't you ever get uptight about anything? I swear you and the Mole Man must be off tokeing up somewhere when the cameras aren't on you.

Merle: Doh! Why do I always have to be the one to handle all the comic relief in this series? Back off, you brats!

Hitomi: Aww. Merle is so good with kids.

Van: Maybe because mentally, she still IS one. Hmm. This seems an ideal opportunity for me to make a poignant observation about war.

Hitomi: And for me, an ideal opportunity to clumsily try and reconcile you with your brother, Folken.

Van: Funk dat. I'm outta here.

Allen: Hitomi! What are you doing here? You're MY bitch, now, so that means you have to let me know where you are at all times.

Hitomi: Geez, Allen, talk about abandonment issues... I know you have baggage, but man... I'll just have to give this whole "being your bitch" thing a good rethink while I'm running back to the castle.....alone......

Folken: Hey there, Hitomi. So.... you're okay with me being a good guy now.

Hitomi: Sure I'm okay with it. And even if you really aren't a good guy, I'm sure my spunky pluckiness will be able to charm you into having an honest change of heart...

Folken: Of course. THIS IS ANIME™, and you're a Japanese high school girl. There's no force in the universe which can resist you. Okay. Enough pointless character interaction. It's time to move the plot forward by showing lots of pointless and extremely technical war preparations.

Random Soldiers: Woo doggies. Look at all the armies. This is certainly fixin' up to be a BIG war.

Hitomi: Okay, back to the pointless character interaction...

Allen: Hitomi, I'm shipping out tomorrow, but before I go, there's something really important I want you to know. I'm Prince Chid's real Dad.

Hitomi: Wowzers... But I have to wonder why I didn't know this already. I mean... what kind of a psychic wouldn't know that her own boyfriend impregnated a princess? There's something very screwy going on around here...

Meanwhile, in a dark, depressing room somewhere...

Dilandau: Wha--? Where am I?

Thousands of Rabid Fangirls: YAAAAYYY!!! He's BAAAAAACK!!!

Dilandau: Zip it, you trollops. I'm trying to get my bearings here and your incessant, headache-inducing squealing isn't helping... Hey Rover! Where the hell am I?

Jajuka: On the Floating Fortress, Dilate.

Dilandau: Where the booze flows freely, I see. Cool. All I need now is my harem of bishy henchmen and I'll be sound as a pound.

Jajuka: Um. They've joined the Choir Invisible, sir.

Dilandau: I see. Well in that case, I'll just do what I do whenever I'm hit with bad news: shriek like a banshee and attack everyone within the immediate vicinity.

Jajuka: "Everyone" being me, of course. *Sigh*. Allow me to introduce myself: My name is Jajuka, and I'll be your sole whipping boy for the rest of the series. Lucky me.

Dilandau: I can't hear you. I'm too busy spazzing and tearing my clothes off. (Yes, boys and girls. It would appear that I actually am a man.)

Jajuka: Feeling better now?

Dilandau: Not really. But I'm sure I will be once I get inside my shiny new guymelef and am able to do all that burny-pillagy stuff which I so enjoy. Let's a-go!

Jajuka: *Resigned, world-weary sigh.*

Van: Well, in case the animators haven't made it abundantly clear to you that there's going to be a war soon, I'll tell ya right now-- there's going to be a war soon.

Allen: Ah. Nothing like a good war to super-charge a man's love life. Speaking of which, I just popped the question to Hitomi. She's supposed to give me an answer when I get back.

Van: Oh. Lucky you. I'm sure you two'll have a smooth road ahead...

Hitomi: *Sigh*. I'm homesick and I'm feeling ambiguous about Allen's past. I need to share my feelings with someone. Oh, there's Millerna, doing some laundry. I'm sure she'd be JUST the right person to talk to about this sensitive matter concerning her old boyfriend boinking her dead sister...

Millerna: Hi, Hitomi. What's up?

Hitomi: Hi, Millerna... Um. Would you mind if I asked you for some advice? ...You see, I have this...friend....who likes this guy. He's really nice and handsome, but he's a colossal horndog...

Millerna: Hm. He sounds like Allen.

Hitomi: Well.. It's NOT Allen.... Uhh. Anyway, this guy went and had some other girl's kid and so now the first girl ain't sure she wants anything to do with him...uhhh... Gee. This sounds an awful lot like that one conversation you and I had back in Episode 15.

Millerna: Oh, you mean the one where I told you about my friend who wasn't me who fell in love with a man who wasn't Allen?

Hitomi and Millerna: *light bulb* Ohhhhhh.... Gee. And it only took us 8 episodes to figure this out...

Gadeth: That's not a good record, girls. Even for shoujo heroines.... Oh wait. We're finally getting some screen time again! Hooray!

Paile: Yeah but... unfortunately it's during a battle scene where we're up to our ears in flames and enemy guymelefs.


Allen: Welp. Time to bust out my mecha and play the hero again.

Van: Oh no! I'm not having you upstage me THIS time, Allen! Geronimooooooo!

Hitomi: Meanwhile, I'm just sitting here back at the castle, angsting, as usual. Man, I really need to get a job or something...

Van: Is it hot down here, or is it just me?

Random Cannon Fodder Zaibach Soldier: Hey! Lookie there! It's the main character of the series in his fancy Ispano guymelef! I shall engage him in battle, as I am certain I stand a chance of beating him!

Van: Sheesh. So, I'm guessing you've never watched any mecha anime...

Random Cannon Fodder Zaibach Soldier: And what would make you say that? *EXPLODE*

Hitomi: Eep. What was that?

Van: Man, I am on FIRE! *SLASSHH** SWING **ASSKICK** I'm sure Hitomi will appreciate all this wanton slaughter and destruction I'm causing for her sake.

Dilandau: Well well well... Long time no see, Van!

Van: Oh no. It's Pyro-Boy. And he seems to have completely forgotten about the shellacking I gave him during our last meeting.


Dilandau: Oh, it's YOU, blondie. Feel the wrath of my fury!...Or... the fury of my wrath...or...aw hell. Just DIE, already!

Van: Allen, you glory hog... Fine, I'll cover your rear. (And no, that wasn't a double entendre...)

Thousands of Rabid Yaoi Fangirls.: Awwwwwwwww...

Van: Whatevah.... Grrarrr! Crush! Kill! Destroy!

Another Zaibach Soldier: Oh boy! The Ispano guymelef! Here comes a chance for me to distinguish myself--


Another Zaibach Soldier: ...as the character with the LEAST amount of screen-time in this series. *EXPLODE*

Dilandau: You DIE, Allen!

Allen: No, YOU die!

Jajuka: Don't worry, Master Dilandau! I'll save you!

Dilandau: I don't need saving! Bad doggy! No milkbone ration for YOU tonight!

Van: Slash slash kill kill... Boy. I sure wish Hitomi was here so she could watch me kicking all this ass.

Hitomi: Urp...Anybody got a barf bag?...

Dilandau: HA HAH, VAN! AND NOW I'LL--


Dilandau: --be wetting my pants in terror again...

Thousands of Rabid Fangirls: Noooo! Dilly-sama! He can't die! He CAN'T!

Hitomi: Oh, allright, you whiners. I'll use my powers to make sure he survives this battle. But when you see what happens to him after this, girls, you just might find yourselves wishing I HAD let him die.


Jajuka: He's gone. Time to celebrate cry out his name in an anguished manner and go look for him.

Van: So it looks like Zaibach destroyed our base. But don't worry, everyone! We'll GET those bastards yet! Oh, hi Hitomi. What you been up t--

Hitomi: Grrrr....

Van: Um. Did I do something wrong?

Hitomi: I'll say! You destroyed the enemy!

Van: Yaaah.. That's what I was supposed to do. That's why it's called a war.

Hitomi: But you're not supposed to enjoy war this much! Grrrr. I've had it with you and your stupid psycho planet! Calgon, take me away!

Column of Light: *FLASH*

Van: Hitomi!

Allen: Damn. She's gone! NOW who am I gonna score with?

Hitomi: Hey. I'm back in the school infirmary on Earth. But wait. Am I back in the past? Or is this the present? Oh well. At least I'm unconscious and won't have to think about this unholy plot conumdrum until the next episode...

On to Episode 24: Choosing Fate