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Episode 19: Operation Golden Rule of Love Emperor Dornkirk: Okay, puppets. We've got to figure out a way to separate the Dragon and the girl from the Mystic Moon, otherwise all my well-laid plans are going to go down the crapper. General Adelphos, Bronze General, Steel General & Platinum General: Grrrr! Let's smash 'em! Folken: I think I have a better idea. One which involves a certain kind of gravity. Namely, the kind of gravity which exists between a man and a woman. Emperor Dornkirk: I see....... Um, you're talking about sex, right? (Not that I'd know about that, what with my dying a virgin and all...) Folken: Yup. Here's da plan... Hitomi: Whoa. We're back in Asturia already.... And it looks as if the budget for this series might be running thin since we're now using voiceovers to handle the exposition in place of actual animation. Oh well. Less trouble for us, I guess. Let's cut to the next plot point. Dryden: Yup. You heard right. Millerna and I are getting married. I knew she'd come around. I've got the power, I've got the money, and most importantly, I've got this. *points to head* Allen: Dandruff? A headscarf which makes you look like a bunny? Dryden: No, you sore loser you! I was referring to my incredibly sexy brain. Eries Hi. Remember me? I just came here to suck all the air out of the room and to blame you all for my father's recent illness. Millerna: Stifle it, sis. Allen: Ah, Millerna, I want to let you know that I have no hard feelings about your decision to marry Dryden instead of me. I hope you and Fuzz Face have a long and happy life together. Millerna: Well then, Hitomi, if you're gonna come to my wedding, I'm going to insist that you finally wear something pretty for once. Hitomi: Uh, you sure you want there to BE a wedding, Millerna? Millerna: Yes, I'm sure! Absolutely! Can't you see how sure I am? I'm SURE, DAMMIT! SURE!!!! But..... Just in case... how about giving me a tarot reading? Hitomi: Um. Maybe later. I've got some angst I've got to work through first. Van: Oh, hi Hitomi. I thought I sensed some angst waves radiating from this general direction. Is there anything wrong? Emperor Dornkirk: Uh-oh. My instruments tell me that Dragon Boy and the girl from the Mystic Moon are heading towards a significant shoujo-esque scene of self-disclosure, one which may or may not end in hot, passionate nookie! Folken: Don't worry. My brother Van's a total wuss. Especially where skirts are involved... Hitomi: Geez. I'm such a bitch, jerking Millerna's feelings around like I did. Hey, what's this you're tossing me? Van: It's a juice-filled gourd. One of my planet's greatest delicacies. It's called piscuss.
Hitomi: Hm. That word sounds like a cross between "piss" and "citrus". Which, incidentally, is exactly what the juice from this thing tastes like. Van: Come on. Buck up, Hitomi. You don't want your worry-warting to cause more bad luck to happen, do you? Hitomi: Whoa. I don't believe this. Van's actually being...nice to me... I wonder if... Uh-oh. I just dropped my gourd and it's falling in slow motion. That must mean something really significant is about to happen...
Folken: Something significant IS about to happen. Should I allow myself to register an emotion at this point?.......Naaaaaw. I'll save it. Emperor Dornkirk: D'oh. Those two were about to get it on and now I can't see them. Damn.... (Gee, so it would seem that I'm not only a sociopathic maniac, but also a pervert as well. Thank you, Kawamori Shouji. How about, in your next anime series, you deface Einstein's memory instead of mine?) Van: Hitomi...I...just...wanted to ask you..... Would you please....take off your clothes and roll around in the hay with me in a mad, climactic tidalwave of teenage lust? Hitomi: Van...I....I... Van: Just kidding, Hitomi. That's what most of the viewing audience would like me to say. Instead, I'm just going to make another bumbling and extremely ill-timed attempt to get you to use your powers on my behalf. Hitomi: You know, even for a Clueless Anime Male,™ that's an incredibly insensitive thing to do. Allow me to register my disapproval. *SMACK* Folken: Whew. That was close. I sure hope I can get my crack-inspired plan in motion in time to prevent another near-miss like that. Eries: Whatcha doing out here in the churchyard, Allen? I don't recall YOU ever being a prayin' man. Allen: Geez, Eries. You can even suck all the air out of the entire outdoors... Eries: Chill. I brought your dead loved ones some flowers. If I can't be nice to people while they're alive, I can at least honor them once they've snuffed it. Folken: ...So, basically, I'm gonna take this hair I collected from Allen and Hitomi, and use it in combination with the Fate Redirector to make them fall in love with each other, thereby directing Hitomi's affections away from Clueless Dragon Boy. Um, I'm gonna need a volunteer to play my love interest.
Eriya and Nariya: ME! ME! PICK ME!.... Aw hell, there's only ONE way to settle this. And much to the consternation of perverted fanboys everywhere, it's NOT "us rolling around on the floor, fighting in a writhingly suggestive manner while tearing each other's hair out." Nooooo... We're gonna flip for it.
Hitomi: The sky is cryin'/
Eriya: Yay! I won the coin toss! Go me! Folken: Okay, Eriya. I'm gonna play Allen Schezar and you're gonna play Hitomi Kanzaki. Let's fuck the both of them up real good. With emphasis on the "fu--"
Emperor Dornkirk: Okay, okay... Let's just get this whole goofy thing over with... Hitomi: Geez. What am I doing here on this planet? I sure do miss Amano... Oh hey, here comes his similar-looking Gaean equivalent, Allen.
Allen: Oh, hey. Here comes Hitomi.... Folken: Engage foreplay!
Hitomi and Allen: WHOOOAAAAAAA.....
Emperor Dornkirk: Ohhh. So THIS is what gettin' it on is like... Damn. You mean, all that time back on earth when I was obsessing over things like gravity, mathematics and alchemy, I could've been doing THIS instead? Boy, don't I feel gypped....
Dornkirk's Technicians: We have reached critical! Sexually metaphoric release of steam inevitable!
Folken: It is time. Let us suck face. Allen: It is time. Let us suck face. Eriya and Hitomi: Guh..huuhhhhhh.....
**SMOOCH** Van: Just out for a walk. Hm. Maybe I'd better find Hitomi and apologize to her... She IS kinda cute and all in her own, stereotypically spunky anime heroine little way...Hey, there she is on that bridge over there, sucking face with Allen.
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Van: Oh shit... |
