Episode 17: The Edge of the World

Eriya & Naria: Well, that was a pretty close brush with expendable character-dom.

Folken: Hm. The ship vanished into the gateway. So I guess this now becomes a game of cat and mou-----er, catgirls and mouse.

Reeden: She's breaking up, captain! I dun'not think she can take enna morrre!

Van: Hey! I finally see something!

Hitomi: The Mystic Valley!... Uh-oh. I'm starting to get all bright and shiny. *POOF*

Allen: Hitomi! *POOF*

Van: Allen! *POOF*


Damn! I didn't go *POOF* I HATE being left out of the loop!

Dryden: Hey, how'd Hitomi get down there on the ground? I don't recall Allen mentioning putting a teleporter on this ship.

Hitomi: Well, THIS here place certainly looks familiar.

Van: So does THIS here place. It's Fanelia! MAN, those giant gay-looking robots did a real number on it...

Varie: Hi, son. Long time no see.

Van: Mom? Where'd YOU come from? And where ARE we?

Allen: Apparently, this is a place where people go to meet with the family members who've caused them the most amount of trauma throughout their lives. (Not unlike the Jerry Springer show, only with fewer 300-pound, spandex-wearing, redneck lesbians.)

Hitomi: Hm. I seem to have stumbled onto the Rosetta Stone.

Dryden: It's a monument written in the ancient characters of Atlantis which no one can understand.

Hitomi: In the year 2525. If man is still alive... If woman can survive...

Dryden: Er...that is.... no one but YOU, Hitomi. Well, what's all that made-up, fancy-pants, alien cuneiform have to say?

Hitomi: We are the Dragon Clan, who were born in the capital of Atlantis on the Mystic Moon. Please touch any part of this rock for more information.

Dryden: So, the Atlanteans were originally from the Mystic Moon, eh?

Hitomi: Yes. And they had a big evil machine which converted their wishes into reality and which made them look like those cast resin angel statues they sell at Hallmark. However, their big, wish-making machine went out of control one day and--


Hitomi: So the surviving Atlanteans got together and made the planet Gaea using pendants which look a lot like the one my grandma gave me. Hey, wait. Just how did Grandma get this thing, anyway?

Leon: I'll field that one.--

Allen: You'd better, old man. You got some heavy s'plainin' to do, you ol' sod!

Van: Meanwhile, it looks as if I'm still stuck here in Depressing Limited Color Palette Land.

Balgus: Hey, Van. I don't want to alarm you, but it turns out the fate of the entire world is in your hands.

Van: I see.... Soooo... I suppose now would be too late for me to declare myself a pacifist and scuttle into the background, then?

Balgus: Yup.

Van: Shit.

Leon: Hi son! Long time no see! How's your mother doing?

Allen: Pretty well. For a DEAD person...

Leon: Dayam. I didn't know that. That sucks.

Allen: So do YOU, Dad...

Van: Oh no! I'm being attacked by an Edvard Munch painting! Stay away!!

Dryden: I don't like the looks of that gate-thingy up there...

Hitomi: We can't leave until we get Van and Allen out of that stone! Hm... I got it! I'll use my trusty pendant to--

Varie: WAIT!

Hitomi: It's Van's Mom! What are YOU doing here?

Varie: I'm here to drop a plot bombshell the size of Hiroshima on you, but I'll hold off on that until after the commercial...

Hitomi: Okay, commercial's over. What's this bombshell you had to drop on me?

Varie: It's this: You think you're foretelling the future, but you're not. You're actually CAUSING it. However, because you're such a worrywart and all, you're causing the worst case scenario come to pass every time.

Hitomi: You mean I've been the Angel of Death all along? SHIT. I suck. I should probably just die.

Giant Symbolic Spinning Pinwheel of Truth: Hold on. Don't kill yourself just YET...

Hitomi's Grandmother: Hi sweetie. I'm here to give you some nice grandmotherly advice...As well as show the audience how nice you'd look with a feminine haircut.

Allen: Zaibach soldiers! And they seem to be after YOU, Dad...

Leon: They started chasing me after I left the Mystic Valley. It turns out that Isaac guy was actually Dornkirk in disguise. Or vice versa. Anyway, Dornkirk had them kill me and steal my journal, only to find--

Emperor Dornkirk: Bah! There's a page missing! I suck at this whole Evil Overlord thing. I'm going home.

Leon: I'm not dead...*gasp* I'm getting better... I feel happy.. I feel happy.... Oh who am I fooling? I'm maggot meat. I just wish I could see that girl from the Mystic Moon one more time...

Hitomi's Grandmother: Hi again. Oh, you want me to have this blood-covered pendant? Okay. I'm sure keeping it won't have any future dire consequences for me OR my family...

Allen: So Dad. I finally realize why you acted the way you did and that you really loved me after all. My God. My life IS a lot like the plot from A Boy named Sue...

Hitomi: Hi, Allen! Need a hand?

Naria & Eriya: This is bogus. Let's just fly into the gateway and trust our luck.

Folken: No! Stop, you two! Stop and desist, before you force me to express an emotion!

Balgus: So what's it gonna be, Van? Are you going to be a hero or a wuss?

Van: Still leaning towards "wuss".

Naria & Eriya: Yay! We made it! Our luck ROOLZ!

Escaflowne: *FLASH* *APPEAR*

Van: Doh. I'm back here. My luck is TEH SUXX0R...

Hitomi: Uh-oh, Van's in trouble again...

Hitomi's Grandmother: Well, he'd be in LESS trouble if you'd just stop worrying about him all the time. You gotta think warm, happy, fuzzy thoughts! Or ELSE YOU AND EVERYONE WILL DIE!! UNNERSTAN'?!!!

Van: Grrr. So it's my karma to be an invincible, uber-cool Ass-Kicking Machine of Death, eh? Well....I guess I can live with that. ****FLASSSSHHHHHHH!!!!!!****

Naria & Eriya: AIEEEE!!!! Looks like Team Rocket's blasting off agaaaaain!!!!

Folken: Curses. Foiled again.

Allen: Whoops. There goes the neighborhood. Literally.

Van: Mom!

Varie: Hi, son. I just wanted to let you know that the fate of this planet--it's salvation or destruction-- is directly linked to everything you do and say from now on. But try not to feel as if you're under ANY pressure...

Van: Thanks, Mom. I see now that not having you around for the past ten years wasn't exactly the disaster I had imagined it to be.

Varie: Here's a little something which I hope will make up for ten years of getting no Christmas presents from me...

Van: It's some funky Materia...No wait. It's a green energist. Gee, thanks Mom.

Hitomi: Well folks, your guess is as good as mine as to where this story will take us next. I for one could sure use a break. This fast story pace is killing me.

Kawamori Shouji: A break?! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!

Hitomi: We are SO fucked, aren't we?....

On to Episode 18: Gravity of Fate