Episode 15: The Lost Paradise

Hitomi: Welp. Van managed to destroy the Dragonslayers, but something weird happened and it looks as if I'll have to go save his ass....again.

Millerna: But you might die.....again.

Hitomi: Can't be helped. I'm the only one who can get Van out of the Bone Orchard, so I'm a-goin' in...

Hitomi: Hmmm...So the afterlife is nothing more than a really depressing parade? Oh well. If I had the time to have an ontological crisis, I would, but I gotta hurry up and find Van. Fast.

Dead Soldiers: Death sucks.

Dead Dragonslayers: Tell us about it. We liked it better when the price for our failure was just us getting slapped around. (Hell, there were times we even ENJOYED it.)

Hitomi: Van! Wait for me!

Van: No. I'm going to ancient Atlantis to sit and shiver beneath this oddly-manicured tree.

Hitomi: Oh, let's go home already.

Van: Go away. I'm in my happy place.

Atlantis: KA-BOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!

Atlanteans: Not AGAIN! AIEEEE!!!! *FRY*

Hitomi: It doesn't look very happy NOW! In fact, I sense property values around here will be dropping like a stone in about a minute. As will WE unless some kind of miracle happens toot sweet.

Merle: Magical Catgirl Power: Twinkly Miracle Faceslap of Resurrection!

Hitomi: We have a way out! Uh, that is, if Van can snap out of lala land in time to fly us to safety.

Van: My eyes became twinkly again. Guess that means I'm back to normal. *UNFURL* *FLY*

Hitomi: You saved us, Merle. Who says cats can't be altruistic? (Or that the comic relief can't actually do something USEFUL once in a while?)

Dilandau: Guimel, Dalet, Shester, Gatti, Violle...and the rest of you whose names I never really got around to learning... *Sigh.* That was SUCH a lame way to die. If you weren't all feeding the worms, I'd be giving you the slapping of a lifetime right now ...

Young Crying Girl: *sniff* I'm all alone.

Dilandau: The fuck was that? Grrrr... Vague flashbacks...bad... Angst...VERY BAD... *THUD*

Emperor Dornkirk: So, Folken. When are you gonna get around to capturing that dragon already?

Folken: GEEZ. Do you think you could stop riding my ass about that damn dragon for at least five minutes? What part of "I'm on it," do you not understand, old man?

Van: Uh-oh. I can't hold my sword steady anymore. Grrrr... Red-tinted flashbacks...bad... Angst...VERY BAD...

Hitomi: Hey... What's up with Van?

Allen: He's just a little shell-shocked about his becoming a lean, mean killing machine and all. I suspect he'll get over it, seeing as how there's still plenty of ass left to be kicked in this series. I was a lot like him once, you know...

Young Allen: Grrr! I'm bitter and I hate you, world! Grarr! And I especially hate YOU, giant man with scar! Eat my steel!

Balgus: *DISARM* *CLATTER* You suck, kid.

Young Allen: You're right. Kill me.

Balgus: How about I just become your mentor instead? It'd be a shame for someone with your talent to die here.

Young Allen: True. And it'd also be a greater shame, I suppose, if I didn't give the women of this world the chance to drink deeply of the rugged, golden-haired glory which is myself...

Balgus: You know kid, I get the feeling that sword of yours is going to get you into big trouble some day. And I AIN'T talkin' about the sword in your hands...

Allen: And that's how I met my swordmaster, Balgus. Although, I still suck when compared with him.

Hitomi: You DON'T suck! You're brilliant and smart and the screenwriters like you and....well....I like you too....Uh-oh. Did I say that out loud? ......Unnhh. I think I just left a load of fukus sitting in the dryer! Gotta go now!

Allen: Hm. Love is kinda crazy with a spooky little girl like you, Hitomi.

Dryden: Hmmm. Hitomi...Phantom Moon... Van... Dragon Clan... Escaflowne...Zaibach... Yes. I see. It's all coming together. Too bad there's no room in the budget for a recap episode so the viewers can get a better idea of what the hell is going on..

Millerna: Uh, hi, Dryden. just thought I'd drop by and thank you for all your help.

Dryden: I don't want thanks. I want nookie.

Millerna: Tough. I'm Allen's ho.

Dryden: We'll see about that. This is the Gaean equivalent of Bill Gates you're talking to... Whatever I wants, I gets... Oh, and speaking of Knight Boy, there's a favor I want to ask him.

Allen: You want my Father's Secret Travellin' Log? What for?

Dryden: My Dad said that your Dad was some crackpot explorer who was looking for Atlantis. So I figure that maybe your Dad found it and wrote down something in this secret log of his which will help US locate it.

Allen: Fat chance. The only thing my dad was ever good at finding was ways to embarrass his family.

Millerna: Stifle, Allen. If you let Dryden have the book, maybe he'll forget about the fifty mil we owe him. (Not to mention the fact that I'm supposed to marry him.)

Hitomi: Stupid...stupid...stupid......

Millerna: Uh. Hitomi....Do you think you could stop banging your head against the windowsill long enough to let me ask you for some advice? ...You see, I have this...friend....who likes this guy. He's really nice and handsome, but he's a colossal horndog...

Hitomi: Hm. He sounds like Allen.

Millerna: Well.. It's NOT Allen.... Uhh. Anyway, this guy went and had some other girl's kid and so now the first girl ain't sure she wants anything to do with him, especially since there's this other guy who's recently come into her life who's really rich and easygoing and nice...

Hitomi: Hm. He sounds like Dryden.

Millerna: Well, it's NOT Dryden. Anyway, what should I-- I mean, my friend, do?

Hitomi: Why don't you let me read their fortunes?

Merle: Why don't YOU cut out the Miss Cleo crap, Hitomi, and decide once and for all just WHO the hell it is that YOU'RE in love with? Come on. Are you Van's ho or Allen's ho?

Hitomi & Millerna: GASP.

Thousands of Anime Fans: GASP.

Moleman: GASP. I've just walked into No Man's Land. Help!

Hitomi: Um. I like Allen. And I may like Van too, but Allen's definitely the frontrunner for now...

Merle & Millerna: Grr. Step off from MY man, bitch!

Naria & Eriya: Heh heh. We found them. What luck. Wait'll they get a load of US!...Uh, which one of us is which again?

Reeden: Boss! We're being attacked by a couple of really sexy-looking guymelefs!

Van: I'm on the case!

Escaflowne: *TRANSFORM* GROWWRRRR!!!!!

Naria & Eriya: Allright! We flushed him out! Magical Catgirl Twin Attack: Sexy Synchronious Suplex!

Escaflowne: D'oh! *SLAM!!*

Van: Holy shit! They're catgirls!

Naria & Eriya: Ahem! We're cat-WYMYN! Strikin' a blow for equal rights! *SMASSSHHHH* *ASSKICK*

Van: D'oh. I'm still shell-shocked. Oh dear. I guess this means I'm going to be kidnapped by the sexy catwomen. *False sigh.*

Merle: Not if I can help it! Van's MY bitch! You stay away from him, you skanks!

Naria & Eriya: Darn. This situation is hitting a little too close to home. We'll finish this at a later time when Little Miss Pink-Haired and Plucky's nowhere in sight. **FASSHOOOOMMM**

Van: D'oh... Beaten by girls. Saved by Merle. My balls are about the size of BB's right now... Let's hope I can recover my nerve AND my manhood in time to participate in all the obligatory ass-kicking at the end of the series.

Dryden: So the key to all mysteries lies in the Mystic Valley... Oh, there's an original name...

Hitomi: The Mystic Valley?

Van: That place with all the nice real estate which we saw getting destroyed earlier. It's the crib of my clan and it's where we'll be headed next. You don't have to be a psychic to predict another backstory-laden episode is coming up.

On to Episode 16: The Guided Ones