Episode 14: Dangerous Scars

Hitomi: This looks bad. Van came back from the battle, but he's been badly injured and hasn't been able to climb out of Escaflowne. Perhaps it might help if I piercingly scream his name over and over again...

Escaflowne: *FWIP* *EJECT!*

Van: *THUD* (Oh yeah. THAT really helped. Oww.)

Allen: Geez. Only the outside of the armor was damaged. What gives? I know Van's a wuss, but even HE can't be THIS fragile...

Van: Lemme go... I can fight... It's just a flesh wound.... I've had worse!

Hitomi: What are you going to do? Bleed on them?

Van: I'll bite their legs off---GRRRAAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! **RIP**

Van's wings: *UNFURL*

Millerna: HO--

Moleman: --LY

Gadeth: SHEEYIT!

Allen: H-He's a member of the Dragon Clan!

Van: *THUD* X 2

Allen: First there's this business about Atlantis, and now I learn that Van's a member of the Dragon Clan.... Hmm. That can only mean the subplot concerning my relationship with my estranged father is about to get rolling again.

Millerna: Van's wounds look like they were made from inside his body. Ain't nothing I can do about them.

Hitomi: Inside his body? Wait. The wounds correspond exactly to the places where Escaflowne was damaged! Oh no! I saw Van performing the Vulcan Mind Meld on Escaflowne earlier! The two of them must have fused together! If something isn't done soon, Van's a goner!

Gadeth: Here comes someone who might be able to help us...And no, it's not Glenda the Good Witch of the North, although it IS someone who dresses ALMOST as effeminately...

Dryden: Ahem. I prefer to think of my look as "metrosexual"... Now then...Silfiel, you lovely mermaid you. I'm afraid it's time for us to say goodbye...

Silfiel: Glub... (*Translation:* I wanna be your ho!)

Dryden: Sorry, it wouldn't work out between us, seeing as how I'm allergic to drowning and all. But hey, feel free to drop my name if you ever get captured again.

Assistant: So, young master. Playing it fast and loose with your old man's money yet again, I see. *Sigh*. Oh, and there's someone here who wants to see you.

Millerna: Hi. You're Meiden's son? You sure about that?

Dryden: Well well well... Princess Millerna. My fiance. How you've grown, your Hotness. Like a rose. Seeing you makes me want to hold our wedding immediately. (And our honeymoon even sooner.)

Millerna: Buh?

Dryden: Come on, why not? I'm the richest, smartest, most handsomest Jew in all of Gaea! Come weez me to ze Casbah! We'll make beautiful music together! Klezmer music! Resistance is futile....MWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Folken: So that's the Power Spot, eh? All we have to do is remove the seal on that bitch and our brilliant plan can proceed.

Soldier: Whisper whisper whisper....

Folken: Dilandau. You mischeivous little scamp. Rushing off to kill my brother the moment we get the Power Spot in our hands...

Dilandau: Oh, don't even pretend you're surprised to hear this, Folken.

Dryden: WUHHHHOOAAAA!!!!! An Ispano Guymelef! I'm gonna piss myself, I'm so excited! Oh, but it's been trashed... Hmm. It would appear the ancient legends were true, then.

Allen: What ancient legends, Mr. Dryden?

Dryden: Oh please. Don't lay that "Mister" shit on me. Just call me Dryden... Yessir..... Mr. Laid-Back, that's me.... (Or just "Laid-Back" if you prefer.)

Allen: Your inherent eccentricity and lack of respect for authority is starting to get on my nerves, Mr. Dry--I mean, Dryden. Just tell us how to save Van already, you gosh-darn hippie!

Dryden: Alright then. I got good news and bad news: The bad news is that when an Ispano Guymelef gets psychically linked to it's pilot, it risks killing that pilot if it should happen to get damaged. The good news is that the pilot can be saved if the damage is fixed.

Allen: Well then... How do we fix it?

Dryden: Simple. We just flip this here switch which calls up the Inter-dimensional Triple-A and the folks who made Escaflowne will come over and fix it.

Escaflowne: *FLASH*

Ispano Ship: *RUMBLE* *DESCEND*

Hitomi: Wow. That ship is HUGE. I bet They Brake For Nobody. Uh-oh. I have a premonition that the makers of this series are about to rip off --er, I mean, pay homage to-- the movie Star Wars yet again.

Ispano Leader: UTINNI!!

Hitomi: DAAAHHH! Jawas! NOOOO!..... (Oh well. At least it wasn't Ewoks...)

Allen: Soooo, shorty. How much is this little repair job gonna run us back?

Ispano Leader: 50 Million. Cash. In advance.

Everyone: **THUNK!!!!!** (Sound of 13 jaws hitting the floor.)

Allen: We--

Reeden: --can't--

Gadeth: --afford--

Hitomi: --THAT!!!

Ispano: Too bad. So sad. THIS is why we always tell you to buy the Service Contract, people! Oh well, if you can't pay, we can't play.

Dryden: I can pay! I'll give you my entire fleet in exchange for parts and labor... Oh, and how about throwing in one of those little tree-shaped air-fresheners while you're at it?


Millerna: This is a nice thing you're doing, Dryden. But we'll never be able to repay you.

Dryden: Oh, I'm sure YOU'LL find a way to repay me, princess, (heh heh.) Anyway, don't sweat it. I don't mind doin' it for the kid. I like the cut o' his jib. And after all, it's only money. It's not like my losing it is going to negatively affect anybody.

Assistant: Multiple aneuryms...coming on.......

The Ispano: Buff buff here, scrub scrub there and a couple of la de daas... That's how we pass the day away in the merry old land of Oz....

Van: ARRGGGHHH! Not sure what's worse.....the pain....or having to hear....that damn singing......

Merle: Lord Van's gonna die...

Hitomi: Of course he isn't... At least not YET. We've still got another 12-1/2 episodes to go.

Chid: Here's the Sealing Sword... You know, if the ancient Atlanteans were so keen on keeping their power from being re-activated, why did they create this thing? And if my people were so keen on keeping it from you, why didn't we just DESTROY it?

Folken: Uhhh... (Gee that kid's smart.) Listen! This is no time to be pointing out plot holes. It's time to open the Power Spot. Cue the plothole-distracting special effects!

Power Spot: **CRACKLE** **VOOM**

Vector--uh, we mean, Dornkirk's Headquarters: **VOOM**

Emperor Dornkirk: Allright, you lovely destiny-altering green energy you! Come to Papa!

Merle: Yay! The repairs are finished and Lord Van is now all healthy and glomp-able again! **MEGA-GLOMP**

Van: Hey Allen, thanks for saving my bacon again.

Allen: Don't thank me. Thank Hitomi and Mr. Moneybags over here...

Dryden: I told you --forget the "Mister." It's just plain "Moneybags." Oh, and it's really Hitomi you'll have to thank for saving you, as she was the one who noticed what had happened to you in the first place.

Hitomi: Van! Please don't try using Escaflowne anymore! You could get severely injured again! And while we might be lucky enough to run into another laid-back millionaire who's willing to give up his entire fortune in order to save your ass, I'd say the odds of our actually doing so are pretty slim.

Van: Oh Hitomi. You're such a Nervous Nellie. I'll be okay. It's not like I'm about to find myself fighting another major battle anytime so--

Ispano Leader: Soldiers are headed this way, and since we're a neutral power, we'd like to cut and run while we still can. Oh, and you there. Spiky Hair. Since the blood you used to activate Escaflowne was Dragon Clan blood, we just want to let you know we're not responsible, should anything, you know, go wrong.

Hitomi: And just what might go wrong?

Ispano Leader: We don't know. This is just something we say to cover our asses legally. You'd be surprised the number of fate-based lawsuits we get every year. G'bye now.

Dilandau: Geez, could they have fled to a more OBVIOUS place?

Van: This is a job for...Van Man!

Hitomi & Merle: No! You can't!

Van: Outta my way! It's not business this time! It's personal!!

Dilandau: So, Van! THIS is where you want us to have our final showdown, eh? It's a bit sparse and craggy, but it's as good a place to kill you as any, I guess...

Van: .....Let's rock.

Yoko Kanno: IT IS TIME... And a-one, and a-two and a-....

Dilandau: Get 'im, my droogies!

Van: It's not going to be so easy this time! BESERKER MODE!!!!! GRGRARRGGHHHH!! *SMASH* *KILL* *SLICE* *BASH*

Guimel: No fair! This is the only screen time I get and I'm crying like a baby? I want a new agent! *EXPLODE*

Gatti: I second that! *EXPLODE* *MELT*

Berserker Van: How's about a little of THIS!!?? *SLICE* *SMASH* Damn! What I couldn't do if I were in an EVA!!!! *SLICE* *CRUSH* *IMPALE*

Dilandau: Gulp! He's suddenly gotten very fast and very good! Better use your cloaking devices!

Beserker Van: That won't help you. I've got l33t PSYCHIC SKILLZ now...

Dalet: Um, guys? I was thinking. Now would be a great time to retire from the military. I mean, how old are we, 15? That's practically over the hill as far as ANIME-style mecha pilots are concerned... Uh-oh!

Beserker Van: GRRRRRR!! This one's for the Duke! *POUND* *CRUSH*



Dilandau: What. The. Fuck. Is. Going. On?

Shester: Lord Dilandau... I'm sorry I won't be around to ride off into the horizon with you this time, like I do at the end of the movie... *DIES*

Beserker Van: YOU'RE NEXT, RED......

Dilandau: Gee. What's with him? All I did was destroy his crummy little kingdom and he kills all my men. What a psycho.

Dilandau: I should add that I'm not very happy with how things are turning out.

Beserker Van: You're goin' down, Pyro Boy. This is for Fanelia. You remember. That nice little kingdom filled with pseudo-Japanese architecture which YOU burned? Put your head between your legs and kiss your albino ass goodbye!

Dilandau: I can't hear you. I'm too busy pissing myself. Oh, and now my jaw fell off. Great.


Hold it right there... We won't let you do this.

Beserker Van: Hunh? What's going on here? Didn't I just kill you guys?

Dead Dragonslayers: Yes you did. But we like Lord Dilandau, in spite of the fact that he has the sanity of a spree killer and the managerial style of Ike Turner. So we've decided to save him. Hey, why don't you come with us? We'll take you to a nice calm place... Come, JOIN US.....

Beserker Van: No. I don't wanna! Mommy!

Escaflowne: Whoa. Black has a slimming effect on me. *THUD*

Dilandau: I just remembered. I have a pressing engagement with the rest of my from-here-on miserable life! Gotta run now!

Merle: That doesn't look good AYT-ALL.....

Hitomi: I'd say it looks pretty bad. And the music's ending, so it looks like we'll be in for another cliffhanger. Bloody hell.

On to Episode 15: The Lost Paradise