Episode 12: The Secret Door

Hitomi: Well, not much happens in this episode, folks. Best to sit back, relax and enjoy the pretty scenery before the fireworks start back up again.

Duke Freid: I heard your story. I'm sorry to hear about your kingdom getting trashed, Van. I'm betting the two of us will probably bond later on, seeing as how we're both scruffy, rough-around-the-edges, Far Eastern ruler types and all.

Van: Yes. It seems likely.

Duke Freid: HOWEVER, I don't think I'll be able to say the same about me and YOU, Allen, seeing as how you stabbed your own country in the back and all...

Chid: Lay off, Dad. Allen was just trying to help us!

Duke Freid: Quiet son! Your preschool political maneuverings almost ruined our country! One more word out of you and I'll take away your sword and your funny hat and send you to bed without supper!

Millerna: Wait, brother! I'd just like to say that Zaibach is no good and that I'm totally down with what Allen did. You should be too, considering he did it to save your stern, crabby ass!

Duke Freid: You are as wise as you are ballsy, Princess Millerna. Okay. You talked me into taking Allen on as an ally.

Hitomi: Hm. So that's Chid's Dad, eh? Funny. They don't look anything alike. I wonder why that could be?

Emperor Dornkirk: So, you say there's a girl from the Mystic Moon running around on this planet somewhere?

Folken: Yes, and she seems strong in the Ways of the Force. She's the one who's been helping the dragon thwart your dastardly schemes up till now.

Emperor Dornkirk: I wanna see her in action! *Sigh* Earth....It's been a long time since I've seen any chicks from my home planet. And those Asian girls are supposed to be real hotties, I hear...

Freid's Troops: Don't mind us. We're just preparing for our upcoming hopeless battle. As well as giving the viewers a chance to appreciate Yoko Kanno's lovely soundtrack.

Millerna: You're healing nicely, Allen. Which is good because you're pretty much the only thing in this world which means anything to me anymore...

Allen: Thanks. I appreciate all your help and I won't forget what you've done for me, Marlen--er...Millerna. (Whoops...)

Merle: Whatcha doin' out here, Moleman?

Moleman: DAAHHHH! Well... I'm not spying on Millerna and Allen, if that's what you're implying...

Merle: Feh. Who cares about them? I'm looking for Hitomi. I wonder where ol' Miss Doom 'n' Gloom could have gone to?

Hitomi: I'm just standing here at this balcony, staring at the sunset... Uh-oh. And having yet another vision...

Zongi: Hi, girlie! Just here to thank you for doing such a good job saving me...Feh...

Hitomi: Ay-yi-yi! Enough with the horrible bloody visions of death already! Geez! I'll bet Miss Cleo never has to put up with shit like this!

Merle: Hey! Spookygirl! Snap out of it! Lord Van wants a word with you!

Kio: Geez, Van. What'cha been doing in Escaflowne all this time? Chopping wood? This blade looks terrible.

Van: Well excuuuuuuuuse me...

Reeden: Aww. We offended His Royal Sulkiness.

Merle: Lord Van! *glompity glomp* Okay, I brought Miss Weird over to see you...

Van: Splendid. Okay, Hitomi. I've asked you here because I want you to help us to Use the Force to defeat Zaibach.

Reeden, Gadeth & Kio: Capital idea!!!

Hitomi: Bad idea, since my powers are kind of making me crazy. Sorry, but you're going to have to find yourselves another spunky, extra-terrestrial shoujo heroine to be your Goddess of Victory...*runs off*

Merle: Sheesh. What's HER problem? Earth girls must have some serious PMS...

Hitomi: That's it! No more of this fortune-telling for me! When I first started dabbling in the occult arts, it was just a game but now it seems to have summoned forth unholy demonic forces which are destroying my life!.... Oh God. My life has turned into a Jack Chick tract.... If I spend the last half of this episode learning fundamentalist Christian dogma and whining about how I don't want to be Elfstar anymore, I'm quitting.


Millerna: Hey, there's a small house here behind the castle. Oh... Hi, Your Dukeness.

Duke Freid: Don't mind me. Just staring at a portrait of my dead wife. This manor house used to be hers, you know. I had it moved here before the two of us were married. Feel free to wander around and touch things. I'm sure you won't find anything here which will prove , y'know, significant or anything. Well.....G'bye.

Millerna: What's this? A music box? Oh, It's playing a tinny version of the opening theme song. Neat. I feel a flashback coming on...

Young Millerna: *Sob* Sister! Why do you have to leave?

Marlene: Sorry, Millerna. Marrying men you've never laid eyes on before is all just part of being a princess. As you'll no doubt find out one sad day...

Slightly Younger Version of Allen: Time for your wedding, Princess Marlene. Damn. Don't I look handsome with short hair?

Millerna: The flashback has stopped. And so has the tinny music. I wonder what would happen if I pressed on one of these little figurines here...

Music Box: K-CHUNK!

Millerna: Well, shave my head and call me Sinead! It flipped around to reveal a hidden book! What an amazing coinci--aw hell! I know...It's pretty contrived, but at least this discovery ought to help stir things up in this otherwise boring episode.

Van: It's nighttime. A good time to be practicing archery methinks... D'oh! I missed! I suck when it comes to that whole "Using the Force" thing.

Chid: Hiya, Hitomi! What's up? Can't sleep? I know how you feel. I'm angsting big time over the war... And over the fact that my father thinks that I suck.

Van: Still trying to get the hang of this whole "Force" thing. And still failing because of those angry flashbacks of Hitomi. Why'd she fly off the handle like that? Bitch.

Chid: I'll never be able to be what my parents want me to be...

Hitomi: Oh come on! If you use the power of positive visualization, you can achieve anything!

Chid: Really?

Hitomi: Of course! Keep your wish strong in your heart, and it will come true! Granted, that kind of thing doesn't always work in the REAL WORLD, but hey, THIS IS ANIME™!

Van: Yay! I hit the bullseye! Aren't I cute when I smile? Drink it in while you can, fangirls, because you're not going to see me smiling much more after this.

Hitomi: Hey Chid, how about I give you a tarot reading? I'm sure it won't reveal anything bad about you or your past...

Millerna: Hm. So this is Marlene's diary. Doesn't sound like she's having much in the way of fun until this "Allen" character comes into her life. Holy schnikies! That's MY Allen she's talking about!

Hitomi: Hmm. According to the cards, it looks as though you're shaping up to be a fine king, kid... Whoa. Who was that blonde woman I just saw flashing in my mind?

Marlene: "Being a princess totally BITES, man... I have to marry the Duke of Freid but it's Allen I'm in love with! In fact, he and I, like, TOTALLY DID IT in the garden..."

Millerna: D'oh! This means Marlene and Allen were...

Hitomi: D'oh! That blonde woman... She and Allen were...

Marlene: That's right. Allen's muh babydaddy...


General Adelphos: Allrightie. We've got the entire Zaibach army ready to move in and attack Freid.

Soldier: I'm SO GLAD you're in charge of this operation, General Adelphos...

General Adelphos: Yeah. I'm sure you are.....Kiss Ass.....ALLRIGHT FELLOW GENERALS! LET'S HEAD 'EM UP AND MOVE 'EM OUT!

Bronze General, Steel General & Platinum General: Cry Havoc, and Let Slip the Dogs of War!!!!

Freid Soldiers: Ohhhhh shit. We're fucked...

Borus: Well, my lord. We're vastly outnumbered. It don't look good.

Duke Freid: Oh well. This IS our predetermined fate, after all. Let's at least go out there and put on a good show.

Van: Welp. Time to suit up and head out to battle. Merle! You look after Hitomi!

Merle: Geez. Fine.

Allen: Welp, time to suit up and head out to battle. Gadeth, you and the rest of the crew cover the castle in the Crusade.

Gadeth: Aye aye, cap'n!

Millerna: Um...Allen? I...uh.....sort of have this question.... that I....um... want to sort of ask you .....about....um.....something....

Allen: It's about Marlene, isn't it?...... Yes, Millerna... I knocked her up. Chid's my kid.....

Millerna: *Pedro from EXCEL SAGA-style yell* NOOOOOOOOOOOO! VERY NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Duke Freid: AHEM! Chid is MY kid.....

Millerna: Oooh. He heard that. AWK-ward.....

Folken: Everyone's in position. Okay, Dilandau, we want everything to go like clockwork. Try and show a little self-control this time...

Dilandau: What was that you said? Destroy everything in my path? Roger!

Folken: I really don't feel like putting up with your antics tonight. I'd bitch you out, but I'm too busy worrying about my brother, whom I apparently still care about.

Kawamori Shouji: Ha! So what do you folks think about THIS cliffhanger, eh? Worst one yet, isn't it?....
......Well? ISN'T IT?................ Come on! You folks mean to tell me you're not suffering at ALL?

Viewing Audience: Nope. You see, we finally wised up and went out and got ourselves the DVD boxed set! Nyahh nyahh nyahhh!

Kawamori Shouji: Curses!

On to Episode 13: Red Fate