Episode 9: Memories of a Wing


Hitomi: What's this? No prologue this time? We're cuttin' right to the action? Well....Okay. *shrug*.... Hey Van. I couldn't help but notice, you got wings now...

Merle: AAAAHH! Don't look at 'em! Wings VERY BAD!!!

Hitomi: Fine. I'll just look at this glowing feather which just fell into my hands.

Feather: Welcome to Backstory Theatre. Please remain seated until the flashback comes to a complete stop...

Gadeth: Geez, Kio, were you even TRYING to miss that last tree? Boss, there's GOT to be a safer way to get to Freid than this.

Allen: Stay the course. We'll stand a better chance against those trees than we will against Zaibach's Guymelefs, (especially seeing as how the trees won't shoot at us.)

Eries: Millerna! You come back here! You'll be eaten alive out there in the cold, cruel world!

Millerna: The world can't be any colder and crueller out there than it is around here. You treat me like a child, you keep me from studying medicine; this place blows. I'm leaving.

Eries: Fine. Go, you selfish bitch.

Millerna: I'm coming, Allen. Wait for meeeeee!

Moleman: Am I still in this anime?

Flashback: The Dragon Gods are a cursed race. They have wings on their backs. They are the descendants of Atlantis. They are ooky and scary and evil...

Hitomi: So many candles...I feel like I'm floating in a Pier 1. Uh-oh. I have a premonition that we're about to see some recycled footage... Yup. It's that one scene where the ground breaks up and Van flies down to rescue me. Whoa. Suddenly, I'm in Fanelia again.

Young Van: Watch me, Younger Version of Merle! I'm gonna jump off the roof!

Young Merle: Oh, that sounds like a good plan! NOT!

Hitomi: Whoops. Suddenly I've jump-cut to a forest now... Geez, who's editing these visions? Michael Bay?

Goau: So, Balgus, you're going to leave my service after the war ends and go roaming the world, training to improve your swordsmanship...

Balgus: Yup. That's pretty much the standard career path for loner-samurai types like myself. I figure I'll be back in about...oh...15 years...

Goau: I hear singing. Hey! There's a girl standing in that marsh over there! And she's got wings!

Balgus: She's a dragon god, my lord! A demon! Them are baaaad news!

Goau: Well, if that's what the typical demon is like, I'm over to the Dark Side SO fast! Outta my way...

Varie: Hi, hot stuff! Like my double-bindi? We were destined to hook up with each other, you know.

Goau: You don't say? How about becoming my queen? I don't know anything about you or even if you're someone to be trusted, but hey, you're pretty! And that's all a queen really needs to be in a pseudo-medieval fantasy world! So how about it?

Varie: 'Kay...

Hitomi: So that's Van's father and mother, eh? Boy, they're certainly not ones to let the grass grow under THEIR feet. I think this clears up the mystery of where Van inherited his rash, impetuous behavior.

Goau: Screw you, advisors! I'm marrying Varie so nyeah!...Oh look. Thanks to the epileptic editing, she's just borne me a second son. Isn't he CUTE? I'm going to name him Van. Van Fanel!

Young Van: Yay! I can fly! I can fly! I---CAN'T FLY!!! YAAAHHHHH!!!

Varie: Oopsy-daisy! Gotcha! Van! What have I told you about not showing your wings to people? Don't make me sad.

Goau: Yeah, boy. That's MY job. What with my unexpectedly dying and all...

Balgus: Hi, everyone! Anything happen while I was away? Oh....I see.... dayam....Well, don't I just have the world's worst sense of timing?

Young Van: Don't cry, Mom. Dad and Folken might have taken the Dirt Nap, but you still have me.

Varie: I see. I'm going to go vanish without a trace now. Sorry to have to fuck up the rest of your already traumatic childhood.

Van: ...And I never heard from her again.

Hitomi: Thanks for finishing up the backstory, Van. By the way, I like your wings.

Van: Really? You and Merle are the only ones who do.

Hitomi: So you're saying my taste is no better than Merle's? You suck.

Emperor Dornkirk: I can't see the future. Not even with all this fancy-schmancy high-tech equipment I got. It's all that damn dragon's fault. Whine whine whine.

Hitomi: That was odd....So Van, why are we now walking instead of flying?

Van: Shhhh! The Duchy of Freid is nearby.

Hitomi: Well, THAT answers my question. NOT.... Uh-oh. I have a Very Bad Feeling About This.

Merle: Not again!

Dilandau: Target sighted!

Hitomi: It's those invisible giants! Let's see if I can use my mad psychic skillz to find out where they're hiding... Van! There's one in front!

*CRACKLE* *BURN*

Van: Eep. Hang on, ladies.

Hitomi: Now there's one to the right! Now one behind us!

Van: *In a Basil Fawlty voice* Yes, dear. I'm doing it, dear...

Dilandau: WTF? You guys keep missing him!

Migel: He seems to be able to see us!

Dilandau: Ridiculous! You guys suck! I'll handle this! *SHOOT* *PARRY* Okay, so you guys were right. (Not that I'll admit it or anything.) AFTER him, you fools!

Van: You girls get off. I have a plan. I'm going to lure them into the water so I can see them.

Dilandau: Smart move, but that won't change the fact that we still outnumber you.

Allen: Maybe not, but THIS might! *SMASH!*

Dilandau: Allen! Not YOU again!

Allen: Yup! I told y'all before, the screenwriters love me! I've got them in my pocket! How else do you think I'm managing to pull off this unlikely rescue?

Van: Hey, I'm actually starting to kick some ass now. Cool.

Dalet: My arm! Gee, with all the fancy-schmancy technology at Folken's disposal you'd think he could've been able to make our Guymelefs water-resistant!

Migel: Shiiiiiit!

Dilandau: Migel! Grr. You'll pay for that, Van! *SHOOT*

Van: *PARRY*

Hitomi: No, it looks like I'LL be paying for that! AIEEEE!!!!

Allen: Don't worry, Hitomi! I'LL handle this runaway Crima Claw for y--**CHURRK** Oopsie. Ow... (Gee. I'm starting to think this Mystic Moon girl might really be cursed after all...)

Folken: Trade ships from Fried are coming. It's Strategic Retreat Time.

Dilandau: Damn. My least favorite time of all. Later, losers!

Gadeth: Welp, it looks like it's curtains for the Boss, seeing as how there are no doctors around and all.

Hitomi: This is all my fault. Sorta. Gee, Allen. What happened? I thought the screenwriters loved you. I thought you were their Golden Boy.

Allen: They only...did this...because...they wanted...to see me...with.... my shirt off....

Millerna: Hi, everyone! You're all here, I see. What a coinkydink. OH MY GOD! ALLEN! We have to get him to a doctor at once!

Gadeth: Ain't no doctors here...

Moleman: Hey, aren't YOU studying to be a doctor, Millerna?

Millerna: Well... Okay. I'll give it a shot. What the hell. I don't think the screenwriters would contrive to have me arrive here at this time just to have me fail...

Kio: Okay, Pretty Boy! War's over for you!

Paile: So's your life if the boss bites it!

Migel: Well, I'm fucked. If you people don't kill me, I'm sure Lord Dilandau will. Oh well. At least this run of hard luck and my cute poutiness ought to win me a lot of sympathy from the fangirl community...

Thousands of rabid fangirls: Collective "Awwwwwwwwwww!"

Migel: Thanks, ladies...

Millerna: Like a surgeon....(Hey!)
Cuttin' for the very first tiiiimee....

Hitomi: Hey, God. It's me, Hitomi. Think you could take enough time off from dealing with wars, famines, plagues and running the cosmos in general to save Allen's bacon?

Van: If he can't...well.... I'm here for you. There there, Hitomi. I'm sure if we pull together, we'll make it through this impending crisis okay.

Hitomi: You mean, Allen's possible demise?

Van: No, I mean this next, extremely inconveniently-placed cliffhanger.

On to Episode 10: The Blue-Eyed Prince

Home