Episode 8: The Day the Angel Flew

Was it all a dream? Or was it an ill--aw hell, you know the drill. Talk about having a bad day. I was almost kidnapped, crushed, and burned. Even worse, I discovered that Allen, (whom I'm now in love with), is all hot to trot over Princess Millerna...

Hitomi: Oh well. I guess you can't have a shoujo-esque fantasy anime without having at least ONE love triangle in it somewhere....

Amano: Ahem. Make that 2 love triangles. Hiya, Hitomi! Remember me? Boyriend #1? Just call me Mr. Chopped Liver...

Hitomi: Oh, that's right. Amano... Gee, you must be getting pretty worried about me by now. Oh well. I'll just give you a call from this nearby pay phone.... Hmm. You're not home. Well then, I'll just leave you a message on your pager... Hey waitaminute! Pay phone? Pager?

Allen: Hi, Hitomi. Got your message. Nice planet you got here. Eye-blindingly bright, but nice...

Hitomi: Allen! You and I are both here on Earth! Wow!

Allen: Let's go out and do a bunch of cutesy, shoujo, date-type stuff!

Hitomi: Oh boy! Could this be a dream?.... *Sigh*. Of course it's a dream. If this were really Earth and if Allen were really walking down the street in that outfit, he'd be getting beat up repeatedly. Oh well...

Allen: I gave up everything I had on Gaea and came all the way down here to be with you and to win you UFO Catcher dolls. Let's tonsilbox!

Hitomi: SCORE!

Millerna: Hiiii Allleeeennn! How about getting your bishy buns over here and planting a big wet one on ME instead?

Allen: Shore! *KISS*

Hitomi: Oh no! Now I'm the one who's feeling like Chopped Liver!... This has got to be the worst nightmare I've ever had!

Tower Card: We're just getting started. *CRACK* *BOOM*

Hitomi: Gee. This dream sequence looks familiar. I wonder if it'll end with me being rescued by the Led Zeppelin Mascot Boy again...

Winged Boy: And she's buuuuyying a staaaiirwaaaayyy..... to heaveeeeeennn... Hiya, Hitomi! It's me again. Don't I look a little more familiar to you now?

Hitomi: Allen! Is that you? Help me, Allen!

Winged Boy: Allen indeed. Now I'M the one feeling like Chopped Liver...

Merle: Ah, you're finally awake, Hitomi. By the way, I heard you talking in your sleep so now I know all about your hopeless attachment to Allen. And don't think I won't tease you about it at every available opportunity. Can't you see that Allen is out of your league?

Hitomi: Oh? Just like Van is out of yours?

Merle: RAGE. I should've let Meiden's cronies kidnap you. Instead, I'm just going to mess around with all your stuff and eat up all your Pocky reserves. Ooh. What's this? THIS looks delicious!

Hitomi: That's my pager! I have no conceivable use for it now, but I really, really want it back anyway!

Van: Girls. Always having pointless arguments. At least I'M doing something useful. Like practicing my sword. And looking helluva-cool and drool-worthy while doing so, I might add.

Hitomi: Hey, Van, do you think that my pendant and Escaflowne's chest crystal looking alike will turn out to be a significant plot point?

Van: Who knows? You say you got the pendant from your grandmother? Who else is in your family?

Hitomi: Just parents and an annoying brother. Hey, that creepy guy with the vampire cape and the metal arm from episode 5. Isn't he your brother, Van?

Van: No! He's a coward, a traitor, and a murderer, and after I've practiced a bit, I'm going to go bust his ass! ...So then, Hitomi. How about coming along with me? I'm sure your creepy and unexplained powers will come in handy during the course of our travels.

Hitomi: Sure, whatever.

Allen: Damn. I was only trying to do the right thing and they throw me in the pokey. And what's worse, Zaibach is fixin' to invade us...

Millerna: Father! Why'd you put my boyfrie--uhhh, I mean, that nice, helpful young knight Allen, whom I've no feelings for, in prison?

King Aston: To shut him up. I'm trying to enter into an unholy alliance with an Evil Empire here, and it'd be just like a goody-two-shoes like Allen to fuck it up for me.

Millerna: But Zaibach'll screw us over in time!

King Aston: I know. And if your sister Marlene were alive, I'd have shown a little more spine in my dealings with them. Not that that's a significant hint or anything...

Millerna: So THAT'S it! Zaibach is going to attack Freid, the kingdom whose ruler she was married off to!

King Aston: Bingo. And since you're a princess, you should start acting a little more devious, self-interested and underhanded, in keeping with your royal position in life.

Millerna: No thanks. I may be an insensitive bitch, but I still have a soul.

Meanwile, at a work site far, far away...

Zaibach Soldier: Uh, sir? (You ARE a man, right?) Uhm... I have here a message from General Adelphos: "Send more energists."

Commander: That insensitive bastard. Here's something I'd like to send him. *KICK* ....Hey....... What's that up there? Oh... It's just a dragon... Nothing special. Yawn.

Van: There's a dragon's graveyard down there!

Merle: Gee. Thanks for leading us here, Hitomi. Your powers are so useful...NOT..

Hitomi: Damn. I suck. I was hoping that the place I'd lead us to would at least have a Starbucks around it somewhere...

Van: Wait. This might work out after all. Hold on to your skirts, ladies! I'm going to land this baby!


Allen: Still in prison, but I'm confident the screenwriters will not forsake me...

Guard: Princess Millerna! What are you doing here?

Millerna: Chill. Dad said it was okay... Oops. Oh my! I seem to have broken one of my shapely, sexy legs.... Here. I'll pull up my skirt so you can have a better look at it...

Guard: Guhhuhhhhhuhhhhh. *blush*

Gadeth: Ha! That was easy! Good thing I always use The Club!

Allen: *Groan* I was thinking of giving you a raise for rescuing me, Gadeth, but after that fetid little chestnut, you're damn lucky I don't fire you...

Millerna: Can the balloon juice, you two! I have to get you out of here!

Van: Well, what have we here? A Zaibach mining operation. Okay girls. I'm going to go bust it up. You two stay here and stupidly allow the enemy to find you so I can pull off a spectacular rescue later, okay?


Allen: So, your father is going to let the kingdom of Freid get thrown to the wolves, eh?

Millerna: Yup. Along with his grandson Chid (or Sid or whatever). You've got to stop him!

Gadeth: Here we are, boss! The Crusade's all gassed up and ready for our action-packed getaway!

Eries: Oh no you don't, Millerna! You're coming back with me to the castle. Right now, young lady!

Millerna: No, I'm not! Put me down, Allen! I'm going away with you, and there's nothing you can do to sto----**SMOOOOOOCCCHHHHHH******

Gadeth: Hey boss! It's the fuzz! We gotta split! Quit sucking face and let's go!

Allen: Thanks for the help, Eries. By the way, what's with the Vulcan ears? You on your way to a Star Trek convention?

Eries: Um... Don't hurry back, Allen...


Commander: Pick up the pace! *KICK* Boy, an evil androgynous military commander's work is never done. Which isn't to say it isn't fun. *KICK* Hey, what's that up there? Oh. It's just another dragon. Ho-hum...

Van: It's payback time! *SMASH* *CRUSH* *SLAM!!!* So much to make go kablooey, so little time. Ooh. An energist depot...

Commander: Hey, that must be that Escaflowne thing that Dilandau is after! Guards! Guards!

Merle: Hope Lord Van's okay. Ooh! Lookie! A lizard! Whoops! I tried grabbing it and it's tail fell off!

Hitomi: You know, I've got the strangest feeling that THAT'S a metaphor for something that's about to happen...

Zaibach Guard: Like what d'you suppose?

Hitomi: Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's something that has to do wi--whaahaaaaaAAAIIEEE!!!!! RUN!!!

Zaibach Guard: Oh no you don't! I gotcha!

Merle: You ain't got ME! Pbbbbbbbbtttttt! Looks like I'm the lizard and you're the tail, Hitomi!

Hitomi: Merle! You meanie! Typical cat! Letting the HUMANS take the fall while you save your own ass!

Van: Smashy, smashy.... *SMASHHH**

Commander: Okay, kid! Fun's over! Stop fighting and get on over here or your girlfriend is history!

Van: Hey! She's not my girlfriend....yet.... Dammit, I just knew being in a shoujo anime, that I'd find myself being whipped for the sake of the heroine sooner or later..

Commander: Heh heh. THIS is the part of the job I love... So tell me, you handsome young hooligan... Aren't you that dragon that Dornkirk's looking for?

Van: Maybe. Hey, aren't YOU that pink-haired shemale that was trying to hit on Chekhov in that one "Gamesters of Triskelion" episode of the old Star Trek?

Commander: Ooh. You're gonna get it now! *PUNCH* So... You won't cooperate, eh? Well, in that case, I'm going to go over to your girlfriend and show her my big snake...

Van: What? That's disGUSTing! And besides, I thought you were gay...

Commander: I meant the snake that I've got around my NECK, you idiot!

Hitomi: Eep. I'm being sexually harassed by a snake. (Although this being ANIME™, I'm sure there are WORST things which could be wrapping themselves around me right now.)


Commander: The fuck IS that? Where's that noise coming from? It's so.... tacky!

Merle: Yipe! It's coming from ME! Doh... It's that weird "pager" thing I swiped from Hitomi earlier! Who'd a-thought it would figure so prominently into the plot of this episode?

Van: Hm. That weird noise appears to have confused everybody. I'll just use this moment of confusion to pull off an improbable escape. *KICK* *SLICE* CLANG* *KILL* *ASSKICK* *SWIPE*

Hitomi: Van! You're free!


Nina the Snake: AIEEE! Call PETA!

Commander: AAAHHHH! You killed my python! WHERE AM I GOING TO GET A LONG THIN COFFIN?!! Grr! I hereby challenge you to a dramatic duel to the deeeeeeeaaaAUUGGGHHH--
*CRUMBLE* *fall* *die*

Van: Gee. That has to be the most anti-climactic battle challenge since the "Indy takes out his gun and comically shoots the Arab Swordsman" scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark. Oh well. Time to go blow up that Zaibach energist depot...

Hitomi: My pendant's getting all glowy again.

Van: So's Escaflowne's chest crystal. And so are those energists in the depot. I wonder what this could mean...

Energist Depot: *A'SPLODE*

Van: Oh. So THAT'S what it means...How convenient!

Hitomi: Not QUITE so convenient to those of us standing here on the ground! *CRACK* *CRUMBLE* *SLIDE* Ah! I'm falling!

Van: Here, I gotcha.

Hitomi: Van! The winged boy in my visions! It's YOU! Who woulda thunk it?

Thousands of Anime Fans: Uh, we knew it was him by the second episode. Gee, you shoujo heroines sure are slow when it comes to figgerin' out things.

Hitomi: Yeah well... bite me...

Pager: Hi! It's me. Got a message to show you from Amano. He's wondering where you are. And YOU'RE no doubt wondering how much you've got to be paying for pager coverage like this...

Amano: Gee, I sure am worried about Hitomi. (Although apparently not yet worried enough to alter any of my current plans...)

Hitomi: *sob* Amano... Hey. What's with all the feathers?

Van: Sorry. I'm molting.

Hitomi: Oh yeah. So THAT explains the title for today's episode. Yowsa. You gots a lot of 'splainin' to do, Van...

Van: Yesh, yeah, I know... Next episode. Fasten your seatbelt, we're headed for Flashback City...

On to Episode 9: Memories of a Wing