Episode 3: The Gallant Swordsman

Was it all a dream? Or was it an illusion? Or did I just imagine it? If I did, I've got one sick imagination because I saw a lot of blood, death and destruction going down.

Hitomi: And I predicted it would happen. But there was nothing I could do to stop it. Gee, it's going to be hard for me to keep up my "stereotypically spunky Japanese high-school shoujo heroine" act if this trend continues.

Van: So that column of light dropped me and Escaflowne here in this forest, eh? Hm. Where did the psycho chick go?

Hitomi: I'm cold and alone. This is considerably less glamorous than the way life for fantasy shoujo heroines gets portrayed in the mangas. Oh well. Things could be worse. I could be like that Miaka girl from Fushigi Yuugi, and have perverts trying to violate me every 5 minutes.

Moleman: Did I hear someone calling for a pervert?

Hitomi: AIEEEE!!! It's a creepy, middle aged, buck-toothed bald guy in John Lennon glasses! I take that back about being better off than Miaka. At least the men trying to violate her were attractive!

Moleman: Hey, chill. I'm not trying to violate you. I'm just trying to get a better look at your pendant,--in an extremely pervy, socially inappropriate way.


Moleman: Ow! Hey! Get away from me, bird! Haven't you got a Harry Potter movie to be in or something?

Allen: So. You've moved from petty thievery to pedophilia. I'll show you how we deal with ruffians like you in MY part of the 'hood. *PUNCH*

Moleman: BUT THIS IS ALL A MISUNDERSTAAAAA-- *Does Rumiko Takahashi Flying-Through-The-Air-Finger Thing*

Allen: You okay, miss? Hey, what's a nice girl like you doing in a bad neighborhood like this?

Hitomi: Hey, he looks just like Amano, if Amano had long, blonde hair and was dressed in dra---no...wait... those are MEN'S clothes he's wearing, aren't they? *sob* Oh Amano... *whimper*

Allen: Gee. I know that wasn't one of my best pickup lines, but I didn't think it would bomb THIS badly. Uh-oh. She's fainted. I'll just carry her back to my castle where I can finish seducin--er, I mean-- where I can tend to her injuries.

Van: Hey you! Lemonhead! Drop the girl! NOW, or I'll...

Allen: I've no time to play games with you, boy. If you draw your sword, you're a Dead Man Walkin'.

Van: Sorry, I can't help myself. It's one of the Rules of ANIME™ that --no matter what she's accused of doing or how mysterious her origins are, the hero will always be ready to fight to the death for any girl he met three seconds ago.

Allen: Ah, the Hiro Rule. Well, since I'm ALSO an ANIME-type hero, it applies to ME as well so....it's time for me to get pseudo-fantasy medieval on your ass! *WHUMP!* *ASSKICK!*

Van: *SPEW* *THUD*

Allen: You don't charge aggressively enough. Although you may be a wuss, you do have some skill so I won't kill you. Instead, I'll just keep humiliating you for another 20 episodes or so.


Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because I'm a disturbed, violent pyromaniac with no regard for human life.

Thousands of rabid fangirls: We could never bring ourselves to hate you, Dilly-chan! Instead, we'll direct our loathing towards the 11-year old boy they hired to incompetently dub your English voice!

Dilandau: I'm okay with that, I guess. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go administer some discipline. *SMACK* *SLAP* You KLUTZES! How DARE you allow the extra special super-duper tactically advanced guymelefs I gave you to get trashed while fighting with those hillbilly Fanelians!!!

Dragonslayers: We're sorry sir. Discipline us some more, please!

Dilandau: Maybe later. I've got to go have a chat with my depressed, mopey, gothic-dressing superior first.

Folken: Dammit, Dilandau, did your men HAVE to go postal on my home town? I fitted your extra special super-duper tactically advanced guymelefs with stealth cloaks for a REASON. They're not just there to make a fashion statement! Hell, how CAN they make a fashion statement when people can't even SEE them? ...Now come this way. There's someone I want you to meet.

God: Hi. I'm God. After that cameo I did in Star Trek V, Hollywood wanted nothing more to do with me, so I decided I'd give anime series a try. (No. Please don't ask me what the hell I needed a starship for. I'm God and even I don't know the answer to THAT one...) I'll be playing the role of Emperor Dornkirk.

Dilandau: Whoa! It's Emperor Dornkirk! The only person in this entire world whom I actually respect! I am SO not worthy...

Emperor Dornkirk: Listen up, puppets. A bunch of shit has just gone down that I wasn't able to predict. It seems some mysterious unknown element has arrived on Gaea and is now pouring sugar down the gas tank of my well-laid plans to revive the power of Atlantis.

Folken: Uh-oh, boss, your speech just broke the techno-babblemeter. (And what with the Star Trek references and the shot of Vector from Final Fantasy VI, I think our "paying homage to other science-fiction and fantasy stories by blatantly ripping them off" quota has been more than filled for this episode.)

Emperor Dornkirk: FOOL! We've no time to worry about that! The dragon whose shadow threatens to fuck up all our plans has fled Fanelia and is now in Asturia. Go capture it!

Folken and Dilandau: Okely-dokely do!

Amano: Oh. You're finally awake, Hitomi. You passed out on the track field and rather than take you to the school infirmary like I did in the earlier part of the story where it may or may not have all been a dream, I dragged you here to this tree.

Hitomi: Whoooaa. Then all that happened on Gaea was just a dream? Hunh.... Hey, I saw YOU in it, Amano. Only you had long blonde hair and were dressed like a 17th century European.

Amano: Ooookay. Um. You sure you didn't hit your head on the pavement of the track field when you passed out?

Hitomi: I'm not really sure of anything anymore. Uh-oh.

Allen: Ah, you're finally awake, princess.

Hitomi: What the? You mean the part with Amano was a dream? Damn, this anime has more mindfucking reality twists than Perfect Blue.

Allen's Men: Hi girly! Don't mind us! We're just a homely crew of rag-tag misfits!

Allen: And I'm their leader, Allen Schezar, Knight in Shining Armor.™ I will protect you and treat you well, although my overdeveloped sense of chivalry may lead me to patronize and talk down to you from time to time. Hope you don't mind.

Gadeth: Hey boss, Sword Boy is finally awake. And he's about as happy as a drenched cat.

Allen: I suppose.....So, Hitomi here is from the Mystic Moon and you're the ruler of Fanelia.

Van: Yes. Gimme back my guymelef. I have to go back and save what's left of my kingdom.

Allen: Oh, you mean that charred, smoking hole in the ground 2 kingdoms over?

Van: DAYAM.... If I ever get my hands on the guys who did it...


Hitomi: What's that up there?

Allen: It's a Floating Fortress. And those things coming out of it are Zaibachian Guymelefs.

Van: Those are the guys who did it! RAGE.

Allen: Whoa, pardner. Let's think this through, shall we? Rushing into things = bad. Assessing the situation before deciding to make a move = good. You and sweetcheeks had better duck out of sight and stay there awhile.

Dilandau: Soooooooo Allen Schezar... Nice little castle you got here.. Sure would be a shame if anything BAD were to happen to it...Yup... Yesirree bob...

Allen: OK, OK, I get the picture! I got your extortion payment right here. Oh, by the way, you Zaibach guys wouldn't have had anything to do with the trashing of Fanelia the other day, now would you?

Dilandau: Well, the official Zaibach policy line on that matter is: Unh-unh. However my own personal opinion runs more along the lines of "those cowardly backwater Fanelian yahoos deserved it."

Van: Why you! GRRRRR.....

Allen: Oh shit. T-shirt Boy blew his cover...

Dilandau: Hmm... YOU! Little Miss Spunkyface! Who are you?

Hitomi: Me? Uhm...er.... I....

Allen: Ehhhh-- this is my new squeeze. Found her in the East. She's cute and a she's great kisser. Look. I'll demonstrate.

Hitomi: Yikes! I know he's trying to kiss me, but it looks more like he's trying to poke my eye out. Nobuteru Yuuki, why'd you have to go and make our noses so long and sharp?


Dilandau: Ugh. Heterosexual Love. I see your reputation as a colossal horndog is well-deserved, Allen Schezar. I'm going to leave now before I vomit.

Allen: Whew. That was close. Sorry I had to destroy your reputation in order to defuse the situation, Miss Hitomi. I had no choice but to put the moves on you. Really.

Hitomi: ...I'll never wash this cheek again. Fortunately, I'm an ANIME character who doesn't have to worry about bathing or cutting my hair or shaving my legs. Otherwise I'd be looking and smelling like a yeti right about now...

Van: *Sigh* Being a prisoner blows goats. Even if it is minimum security.

Hitomi: Poor Van. He looks depressed. Hey, I know what would cheer him up! A tarot reading!

Van: What the-? What have you got there?

Hitomi: They're tarot cards, mon. Dey read the fu-cha, mon. Dey tell you stuff like "is my boyfriend a low-down dirty cheat-ah" and lotsa udder tings, mon. *coff* Allright. I'll knock off the Miss Cleo impersonation.

Van: How do they work?

Hitomi: Well, I start by pulling out a card and--- uh oh. It's the Death Card.

Vision of Death: Hi sweets! Don'cha worry now! The Death Card usually doesn't represent death in a LITERAL sense! What it represents is change; sudden transformation. The pulling down of the old to make way for spiritual growth and renewal.

Hitomi: I see. But I'd be more inclined to find comfort in what you're saying if you weren't trying to decapitate me with your scythe. Uh-oh. I'm having another vision...


Van: Hitomi! Are you okay? You were in lala land again.

Hitomi: Please. Help. Me.


Moleman: Aha! I made it! Oh HELL, did I just break into the wrong room again?

Hitomi: It's that pervy, middle aged John Lennon impersonator from yesterday!

Van: And he's got a shovel. Which gives me an idea.

Allen: Whaaaat? The Mystic Moon girl and His Royal Scruffiness have escaped down a hole? I think I know where they're going...

Moleman: Sorry about the way I acted yesterday. To make up for it, I brought you your bag of stuff which, by way of bad screenwriting a miracle, got conveniently transported to this area along with you.

Hitomi: Thanks. Uh. Hey, John Henry. You got any idea where this tunnel of yours is going?

Moleman: I'm taking you to the U-Store-it where they're keeping Escaflowne. Ah! Here we are! Ooh. It's a boss machine! It's of Yspano design, is it not?

Van: Yeah. Time to hop in and blow this popsicle stand!

Allen: Hold it right there! First you gotta get past me and my cherried-out, effeminately-dressed guymelef, Scheherazade!

Van: Aw, but I hate Gears and Fighting... Oh fine, then. If I have to...

Allen's Men: Allright! It's a rumble in Brighton tonight/
Ringside seat for the neighborhood fight---uhhhh...Did you ever get the feeling you were being watched?

Dilandau: Ha! Good thing I thought to put Allen's castle under constant surveillance. I knew he was hiding the Dragon. And he thought he could pull the wool over my unnaturally red, mephistotelean eyes...

Allen: Okay, kid! Show me what you got!

Van: Have at you!!

Gadeth: Hi, Mystic Moon girl. Mind if I engage in a little informal foreshadowing by asking you which of these two men you favor to win?

Hitomi: Um. Yes. Yes, I do mind.

Van: I'll show YOU who's not charging aggressively enough! *SWING!* *CLANG*

Allen: ...Riiiiight. You are SUCH a wuss! Balgus would never have held back the way you do.

Van: Waitaminute. You KNEW my old swordmaster?

Allen: Yeah. And unlike you, I actually listened to him from time to time. Which is why I'm kicking your ass right now. *SWISH* *CLANG* *CRASSSHHHH* Surrender!

Van: Damn. I suck.

Allen: He sucks. *POP* *FIZZLE* Waitaminute. He nicked me. Guess he isn't a total fuck-up after all.

Hitomi: Well, Van came through alright, but if Kawamori Shouji wants to sneak another cliffhanger into this episode, he'd better get a rush on. He's only got about ten seconds lef--


Hitomi: YEAAAGHH!!! THose damn monks! And now all hell's broken loose! Literally! Damn you Kawamori Shouji!!!

On to Episode Four: The Diabolical Adonis