Episode 4: The Diabolical Adonis

Was it all a dream? Or was it an illusion? Van and I got dumped on the borders of Asturia where we ran into a bishy knight named Allen. Of course, he happened to be an Alpha Male type just like Van is, so it wasn't long until the two men were fighting each other. After their guymelef battle, (during which Van had his ass handed to him), I started having another vision.

Hitomi: And yes, it was yet another one featuring flames, gratuitous loss of life, and plenty of huge, pretty 'splosions. Which can only mean that either those invisible giants from Episode 2 will be dropping by soon, or that Jerry Bruckheimer will be choosing this place to film his next movie.

Van: Uh-oh. Hitomi's got "that look" again. This can't be good...

Hitomi: You all have to get out of here! Those invisible giants who attacked Fanelia will be coming here soon, and when they get here they're going to make us all very dead!

Allen: Aww. You're upset. Allow me to immediately jump to the wrong conclusion as to why: There, there dearie. The battle between me and Van has ended and we'll be putting our big ooky, scary mechas away now. Everything is going to be allright.

Hitomi: Oh, DON'T patronize me! I'm serious! If you all don't want your roles to change from "ugly extras" to "cannon fodder," you'd better vamoose! Now!

Allen's Men: Maybe that girl's right. The Mystic Moon where she comes from IS a cursed planet after all...

Allen: Stifle it, you Superstitious Spinach-chins! Can't you see you're making Little Miss Doom 'n' Gloom more upset than she is already? Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and talk down to her some more... There, there, lil' missy...

Teo: Uh, boss, we found someone suspicious wandering in the forest.

Merle: Van-samaaaaaaaa--**oof!**

Hitomi: Oh, she's not suspicious. Just annoying.

Van: Merle! Are you allright? How's Fanelia? Is it true what they said about it being completely destroyed?

Merle: Um. Well... Let me put it this way: Fanelia's just edged out both Detroit and Mexico City as the solar system's Most Unlivable Metropolis.

Van: Daaaaayam.

Hitomi: Boy. This day just keeps getting better and better. Now everything's on fire. And I think I might be feeling a little--*THUD*

Allen: She's fainted. It could be due to this fever she's got. Or else it may be that my strait-laced-yet-slightly-roguish charm and my aura of confident virility are proving too much for her dainty, womanish sensibilities.

Van: ............You are SO high.

Emperor Dornkirk: The dragon is fading from view. The dragon is the key to our ideal future. You must capture the dragon immediately, Folken. And after you've done that, you must capture the dragon. Oh, and if you've some free time later, would you mind nipping over and capturing that dragon for me? Dragon. Dragon. Dragon. DRAGON. DRAGON!!!

Folken: Okay, okay! I get it! I'll make sure we get our hands on that dragon soon. Unh... Dilandau, where are YOU going?

Dilandau: Duh. I'm going to go capture the dragon. MY way.

Folken: 'Fraid not. It's currently in Asturia and that's kind of our ally. And I was hoping we could get this assignment done without provoking an international incident.

Dilandau: Look, Mr. Strategy, if all the missions you give out require so much tact and subtlety, then WHY THE HOLY FLYING FUCK have you got a guy like ME in charge of them??!!

Folken: Why that's easy. It's because....unh....um...errrrr.... Good question.

Dilandau: I'm going out now. I'll use the Stealth Cloaks to keep from being detected, but if that doesn't work, I'll just use my patented "Burn Them All and let God Sort Them Out" method of dealing with the witnesses. Ciao.

Hitomi: I'm sorry, Allen. I didn't mean to cause you any trouble.

Allen: That's okay. Playing nurse is fun. Especially with a patient like you. Rowr.

Hitomi: I bet my mom is starting to miss me. Hm... Y'know, Allen, I bet YOUR mom is as pretty as you are.

Allen: Well, not quite as pretty. But she was still a looker before she ...y'know...died and all. She loved flowers, and her favorite pasttime was watching my sister and me frolic around in big sunny fields. Here. I'll run a flashback:

Young Allen: Tee hee! Tee hee hee!

Young Celena: *giggle*

Allen: Unfortunately, about 10 years ago my sister checked in for an unscheduled stay at the Jimmy Hoffa Hotel, and my mother died of grief soon afterwards.

Hitomi: Bummer. Sorry to dredge up your traumatic past like that, (although, I have to admit, you do look hot when you're self-disclosing.) Waitaminute. Didn't I just pledge my eternal love to Amano not too long ago? Oh well. La donna e mobile, I guess. Especially when you're a shoujo heroine...

Van: I wonder what could be the matter with Merle. Usually when she's around me, she's in continuous Hyper-Glomp Mode. Oh wait. Here's her problem. Her wounds are filled with poisonous seeds.

Moleman: What's that? You want to know if I have any glar leaves on me? Of course, I carry around all sorts of potent drugs with me all the time.

Van: I see.....that explains a LOT. Anyway, my brother told me these leaves make a good antidote for poison. C'mon! Get off your arse, and come over here and help me prepare it! Now!

Moleman: Okay, Mr. Bossyboots. Geez, as far as being a king goes, you sure have that whole "oppressing the proletariat" thing down pat.

Gadeth: So, it appears as if Mr. "I'm Not Supersitious" actually believes what the Mystic Moon girl said about there being an attack on this place soon.

Allen: Nonsense! I'm not beefing up security because of that girl's predictions. I'm doing it because I don't trust that Dilandau kid. He had a lean and hungry look in his eyes... as if they held an insatiable lust for blood. Then again... now that I think about it...maybe it was ME he was lusting after. My dapper charms are difficult to resist, aren't they?

Gadeth: I'm not goin' there, boss.

Allen: Anyway, Zaibach knows that Escaflowne is here so they're bound to attack us soon. Have the Crusade prepared for us in case we have to bravely run away. Bravely run away, awaaaaayyyyy....

Dilandau: Heh heh. Wait till they get a load of ME!

Merle: That girl from the Mystic Moon is weird. Waitaminute. She gets Bed Land and I get Bench City? RAGE!

Hitomi: First she was creepily staring at me and now she's freaking out and getting excited for no apparent reason. At least in those respects she's just like the cats we have back home on Earth. Uh-oh. I sense something EVIL is coming...

Moleman: Hi! It's me!

Hitomi: AIIIEEE!!!!!

Moleman: *WHOMP* I don't get no respect....no respect at all, I tell you...

Van: Here. I made you some medicine to put on your wounds.

Merle: Ha ha! He gave it to ME first! Nyeah nyeah nyeah!

Hitomi Whatever. What th-? VAN! YOU PERVER--Oh... You're just giving it to me now. How convenient unfortunate that my wounds happen to be on my thighs...Gee, Van. This was a nice gesture. Maybe you're not such a jerk after--Uh oh. We interrupt this tender moment to bring you an ESP News Bulletin. The invisible ass-kicking giants are here!

Dilandau: How about a little FIRE, scarecrow?! HAHAHAAHAAA!!!! *Burn* *SMASH*

Van: Allen! Where's Escaflowne?

Allen: I've got her loaded up on my swingin' airship, the Crusade. We're movin' on out! Here, hop onto Scheherazade's hand and hold on tight...

Van: Never! I won't turn my back on an enemy! I must avenge my people!

Allen: Oh, and just how will you be doing that from beyond the grave, kid? Look, there's nothing wrong with self-sacrifice as long as it isn't done recklessly. You're Fanelia's king. If you're dead, you'll be of even less use to your people than you are now. Their only hope lies in your coming with me. Pronto.

Van: Well....okay. Suicide is probably overrated anyways.

Dilandau: Oh, I don't want to set the wooooorld...on... fiiiirreeeee!!!! Oh, who the hell am I kidding? OF COURSE I DO! BURNNN!!!!! BURN!!!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!

Folken: Dilandau, I think you may be having just a little too much fun down there. How about getting on with the mission?

Dilandau: I AM getting on with the mission!

Folken: Funny, I don't recall the words, "stand in the middle of a field full of burning wreckage and cackle insanely at the top of your lungs," written in any of the orders I gave you. Didya ever stop to think that Allen and his crew might be trying to escape by way of the waterfall?

Dilandau: The waterfall? Oh shit.

Van: So, Allen. We're at the waterfall. What do we do now?

Allen: Well, you hold onto Scheherazade as tight as you can and I'll jump.



Allen: Everything's cool. We landed safely on the deck of the Crusade.

Van: How the hell did you DO that? You jumped before the airship had even poked its nose out of the waterfall! How'd you know it was there? Are you a psychic, like Hitomi?

Allen: Nope. It's just that I exude SO much charm and sex appeal that I've got the screenwriters completely within my thrall! They're in my hip pocket! I'm their Golden Boy! I can do no wrong! Mwahahahaha!

Van: Uh, are you sure the "Diabolical Adonis" mentioned in the episode title isn't referring to YOU, Allen?

Hitomi: Where are we headed?

Gadeth: The capitol of Asturia. That Zaibach Flying Fortress will never be able to keep up with us.

Merle: No, but I'm betting THOSE guys can!

Dilandau: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's DILLY! *SLAM*

Hitomi and Merle: AIIEEEE!

Allen: Sorry guys, no hitchikers!

Dilandau: You're good. But I'm afraid your ass is mine, Allen!

Allen: Oh, so you DO have a latent attraction to me... Just as I suspected.

Dilandau: ...The fuck are you talking about? DIE, WILLYA?!! *SMASH* *CLANG*

Enemy Guymelef: Me clip birdy's wings. Birdy no fly. **RRRRIPP*

Kio: Disaster! One of our sails has been torn! And what's worse - I don't think our airship insurance covers "Acts of Guymelef".

Van: Damn. This is all because of me and Escaflowne. I don't suppose Allen would blow a fuse if I decided to selflessly self-sacrifice myself in order to save his ship. Especially since if I don't, we're all liable to wind up in Davy Jones' locker. *LEAP*

Van: Yeoow!! My first official decree as King of Fanelia will be to make sure that all kingly training for my descendants will include a mandatory course in tight-rope walking! Welp. It's time to fly now!

Escaflowne: ROOOOAAARRR!!!!!

Allen: That's not a guymelef! it's a TRANSFORMER!

Dilandau: So THAT'S the dragon that Emperor Dornkirk was harping on about. Gatti, you stay here and play with our new friends! The rest of you, follow me!

Allen: Van's trying to lead them away from us. Hunh. So he took my little speech about self-sacrifice to heart after all.... There goes a brave, brave idiot.

Gatti: Um, surrender?

Allen: Don't make me laugh. *SMASH*


Gatti: Ow. *glub*

Allen: Van. Try not to become wormfood, okay?

Merle: Lord Van is leading the enemy away from us and we can't help him. *sniffle*

Hitomi: Uh-oh. Cover your ears, boys. You don't have to be a psychic to predict what's about to happen next.


Van: Oy. Glad I was too far away to hear that. Allright now, all I have to do is latch onto a thermal updraft and I'm Riiiiidin' tooooo the Daaanger Zoooooone!

Dilandau: Onward, my fey henchmen! We're going on a little dragon hunt!

On to Episode 5: Mark of the Brothers