Part 17

Rico: Well, gentlemen, welcome to hell.

Fei: I thought you said this was the sewers.

Rico: You say that now, but just wait. After 3,450 random battles, you'll understand.

Citan: Quiet, you two! We are being watched!

Rico and Fei: Buh…?

Citan: Crap, it got away. Well, I guess we must look around now.

Fei: Oh, okay. No sweat.

*Approximately 3,450 random battles later…*

Fei: Make it stop… mommy, make it STOP…

Rico: Told you so. Hey, looks like we finally found a murder site.

Citan: Hmm, there is green slime all over the place-and on a drainpipe nearby.

Fei: Who you gonna call?!

Rico: ...

Citan: Never mind him, I think the monotony of this dungeon is messing with his head. Let us keep looking.

*Approximately 1,800 random battles later…*

Fei: Letmeoutofhereletmeoutofhereletmeoutofhereletmeoutofhereletmeoutofhereletmeoutofhereletmeoutofhere

Citan: Zip it. It looks like we found another murder site. And it looks like this one got slimed too.

Rico: The evidence seems to be clear.

Fei: Is that it? Can we leave now?

Rico: Don't be silly, we've got to find that thing.

Fei: *whimper whimper*

Thousands of video game players: *whimper whimper*

*Approximately 640 random battles later…*

Citan: I thought I heard… I thought I heard a tinkle!

Fei: Whoops, sorry. This dungeon was taking so long, I couldn't hold it…

Citan: No, not that kind of tinkle. I mean…

Fei: Wait… was it… a bell?

Rico: A bell…?! A bell!

John Cleese: While they're all saying "A bell, a bell" over and over, let's skip ahead to the sewage treatment room.

Rico: Okay, Fei. I think we've got it cornered. Use the keys you found lying around to open up the door.

Fei: Pardon me while I fumble with the keys just long enough for the monster to escape.

Citan: Fei, you suck. Well, at least we found something.

Fei: It's… a bell! A bell!

John Cleese: Stop that! Stop that!

Citan: Okay, it appears we can use that bell to summon the monster. We just have to find a spot where it has not killed anyone yet.

Fei: Well, that'll be…

Rico: *raises eyebrow*

Fei: …a snap… oh, who am I kidding?

*Approximately 300 random battles later…*

Fei: *breathing heavily* Okay, found the spot… if this thing doesn't show up… something is going to get broken… *rings bell*

Redrum: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!!! Taste the wrath of my insanely cheap instant kill attack!

Fei: Oh no you don't! I'm not going to get kicked back to my last save point after being down here for an hour and a half! DIEEEEEEEE!

Redrum: Crap. *dies*

Rico: Well, that was a tough battle.

Fei: Puh. You weren't much help, only having half as many combos as Doc and I do anyway.

Citan: Well, that was a pity. It was not human, but maybe it used to be.

Rico: Bummer.

Fei: No way, I refuse to feel sorry for a monster that forced me to wander around this boring-ass dungeon. Now that I've cleared my name, can we cut to the outside?

Rico: Negative, we've got to hike all the way back through the sewers.


*Approximately 150 random battles later…*

Rico: Well then, see you in the tournament. *strategic wince of pain*

Fei: Hey, your arm is hurt!

Rico: Bah. It's not like it'll give you the advantage you need to beat me in the tournament or anything.

Fei: …k…

Citan: Hmm, we have gotten off the main plot here. I better get us back on track.

Emperor Cain: I think that's my cue. 'Sup, G?

Citan: Oh, 'he' is causing trouble again in Kislev.

Emperor Cain: Yeah, those wrinkled old wankers in the Ministry are scared shitless of 'him'. So… you want me to order a drive-by?

Citan: No, I think we can leave 'him' be for the time being.

Emperor Cain: Whoa, hold up. I just got a message from the Ministry. Looks like they went ahead and ordered a drive-by anyway. Actually it's more like a bomb-by. PUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Citan: Eep. …Hey, who put the lights out?

Part 18