Part 15

Fei: …what is this?

Rico: Fight Club is a beginning. Meaning, my subordinates will now initiate you to the prison by beating you down ruthlessly. Be glad we didn't make you toss any salads, because you sure look the part.

Fei: But I hate Gears and-oh forget it, I know how this "pecking order" crap works in RPGs… this is where I impress you with my fighting prowess! *WHAM BAM POW* There, see? I kicked all their asses. Bring it on, you green-skinned-


Fei: Ouch. Okay, THAT was unexpected. Well, I guess I can take a little solace in knowing you'll be my ally later.

Rico: Yeah, but when I join you, I'm going to pull a Magus and be completely average instead of the unstoppable juggernaut I was just a moment ago. Sucks to be you!

Fei: …I am enlightened. And burdened. By a big-ass collar around my neck.

Doctor: Yeah, not to scare you or anything, but that's a bomb, and if you try to leave the city, your head goes all Fist Of The North Star. Know what I mean?

Fei: …does that mean the rest of the game is going to take place here?

Doctor: Not exactly, but by the time you finally get out of here, it might feel like it did. Anyway, you did pretty good making it all the way to Rico, he's the Champ.

Fei: Look, I don't care because I hate Gears and-

Doctor: Whatever, go talk to Hammer at the bar.

Fei: His name is Hammer? Look, I already had to fight once, don't tell me I have to break dance now-

Hammer: Hey, what's up, bro? My sources let me know that you're too much/
And this is a guy, UH! You can't touch!

Fei: Urge to kill… RISING…

Hammer: Anyway, I'm the supplier around here, so whatever you need, I got the hookup. Say… you seem kinda… different.

Fei: Coming from a guy who looks like a giant ferret, that's pretty harsh. Well, I'm-a hit the sack.

Rue Cohen: Hang on, before you do, wanna become a Battler?

Fei: The hell are you?

Rue Cohen: A plot device disguised as a minor character. Look at me, I don't even have a face portrait. Anyway, in Kislev we have a tradition of Gears beating the hell out of each other for our entertainment, and you look like a good sacrifice candidate.

Fei: No way, I hate Gears and fighting. Anyway, I don't even have a Gear.

Rue Cohen: We'll give you one! Come on, be a pal!

Fei: You suck. Go away.

Rue Cohen: Oh, poo! They said this guy didn't have a spine!

Hammer: WTF, mate? That was your ticket outta here!!!

Fei: Look, I hate Gears and fighting.

Hammer: But-

Fei: Gears and fighting.

Hammer: I-

Fei: Hate 'em!

Hammer: Man, bro, you're hopeless. Well, let's go meet the new prison doctor so I can start working on bribing him into passing me medicine for the black market.

Fei: Thanks a lot Hammer, I almost forgot I was living amongst criminals for a second. So who's this new doctor?

Citan: It is I!

Fei: Oh. Right. Didn't see that one coming. So, uh, Doc… fancy seeing you here.

Citan: Yeah, I heard about Weltall, and my hunch about them not executing you immediately like rational people would turned out to be right! Shucks!

Fei: ...

Hammer: Um… I feel like I'm missing something here…

Citan: So anyway, are you going to get out of here or what? Surely you did not forget your promise to Bart…?

Fei: Well, no, but if men don't call you back in three days you're supposed to… wait… did something happen to him?

Citan: That would be putting it lightly. One might also say they got their asses PWNED by an evil red Gear. I ALONE AM ESCAPED TO TELL THEE.

Fei: Oops, I did it again. Oh well, let's just bust outta here.

Citan: Yay! That would be fun!

Hammer: Hang on a minute, bro! As long as that collar's on you, your head is going to do the old Splat-er-ootie the second you leave town! I will now demonstrate my point with a lot of onomatopoeia! BOOM! BANG!

Fei: 's all right, Doc's good with machines, and even a complete dork like me can see he's obviously got a vested interest in keeping me alive. He can get it off.

Citan: *shifty eyes* Well then, here we go. *clatter clatter tinker*


Citan: I think I am deaf! What was that, Fei?

Fei: Uh, I changed my mind. Let's leave the boom collar alone.

Thousands of video gamers: What the hell?! Don't pussy out, Fei! *reset repeatedly*

Fei: Hey, cool! Way to go, Doc! You got it off!

Citan: *chain-smoking*

Hammer: Yeah, uh. Anyway…

Thousands of video gamers: Hey, what the hell?! Hammer didn't offer to buy the collar! *reset repeatedly*

Hammer: Fine, fine, here's your 5000 G. Now, anyway, about the escaping. If you win the battling tournament, you get a pardon from the Kaiser. But that'll never happen, not unless you can beat the big green ogre who PWNED your ass the other day, bro. Master Rico's so hard core he stays in the prison just to pick fights.

Fei: However he's not a playable character (yet), so I at least have a leg up on him there. I guess I must fight! But I don't like to fight! But fight I must! But I hate piloting Gears! But pilot it I must.

Shinji: Poser.

Fei: Shut up, Shinji, you suck. Now let's do it.

Part 16