Part 6

Citan: Well, Fei, it is good to see you back. I was afraid you would angst yourself to death in my absence.

Fei: Don't give me any ideas, Doc.

Maison: Well, then, now that we are all one happy long-haired family, I would like to formally introduce you to Master Bartholomew, our not so illustrious captain.

Fei: That's a relief… he really is a man, then. For a while, I was scared he was gonna pull a Faris and turn out to be a woman.

Bart: Like you're one to talk, Mr. Three-Foot Ponytail.

Maison: Now sir, I trust you were a gentleman and apologized for almost PWNing these two fellows?

Bart: Of course I did. It's not like I'm an impetuous jock who jumps to conclusions and goes off half-cocked all the time, right?

Fei, Citan and Maison: ....

Bart: Anyway, I'm Bartholomew Fatima, this is my dorky butler Maison, and here's my first mate who bears a creepy resemblance to me, Sigurd. But everyone just calls him "Yaoi Bait."

Sigurd: …I hate my life. Young master, for not apologizing properly, I believe it's time for you to be PWNed. *YANK*

Bart: Argh! My one weakness: The cursed Ear Grab! *stagger*

Maison: Sigurd does such excellent work looking after the young master. They have an almost brotherly bond…

Citan: Do tell. Well, Fei, shall we go back to our cabin and relax?

Fei: ....

Citan: What is that look for? We are merely fugitives traveling with a group of wanted pirates! What could possibly go wrong?

Fei: Shut up or you're next on the "PWN" list.

Citan: Righty-o, shutting up…

Bart: All righty then, now that we're back at mi big honkin' underground casa, I'll be scurrying off to parts unknown. Fei, you and the doctor can go with Maison and have some tea and backstory.

Fei: Oh sure, 'tea'. Is this one of those translation things like in Grandia or Tenchi Muyo where they call alcoholic drinks 'tea' so parents won't think underage characters are drinking?

Maison: Certainly not!

Fei: Damn. I never get to do anything fun.

Maison: Now then, I suppose I have some plot to flesh out. Our young master is actually Aveh's prince, and the rightful heir to the throne.

Citan: And the reason he is out here molesting his own army would be…?

Maison: Because if we tried to restore him to the throne right now, Shakhan's military government and Gebler would nuke us into radioactive grit. Ergo, we decided it would be better to cruise the sands and swipe their equipment, making like Robin Hood and what not. The only real downside is that it encourages the yaoi writers. …More tea?

Citan: Of course.

Tea cup: *slide*

Fei: Good god, they couldn't bother to create "reaching for a cup" sprites for us? Talk about cheap-ass animators…

Citan: Cork it, Fei. So what is holding you back from carrying out your grand schemes?

Maison: In a word, and also in typical anime fashion: A woman.

Citan: Sister Marguerite, the Holy Mother of Nisan?

Maison: Dammit, doctor, who's giving this plot exposition here? Ahem… yes, that would be her. Marguerite is the young master's cousin, and his, um, betrothed as well.

Fei: Eeeeew! So all those rumors about royals shagging their cousins are true! Freaky deaky!

Maison: Well, Master Fei, you needn't fret about witnessing that, because at the moment Miss Marguerite is locked up back in the capital city. She has half of the fabled Fatima Jasper, and Shakhan needs it to find Aveh's great hidden treasure.

Citan: Great hidden treasure? Ugh, did they never watch an Indiana Jones movie? Trying to find a great hidden treasure always backfires on you.

Bart: Well, hell, that's not gonna stop ME from trying to find it! C'mon, lemme show you some family heirloom scrolls that tell the history of the kingdom and our great hidden treasure.

Fei: Oh gee, it looks exactly like a Gear. I sure didn't see THAT one coming…

Bart: Well, then you probably figured out my next move is to ask you to give me a hand in rescuing Margie.

Fei: Hell no! I hate Gears and fighting, remember?

Bart: But-

Fei: Screw you guys, I'm going home.

Bart: Hmph. Somebody's got his panties up in a bunch.

Fei: Argh! That stupid poo-poo head, trying to get me to fight his battles! Suddenly I have an urge to… REARRANGE HIS ROOM! Ho ho ho, that'll teach HIM!

Bart: I'm hoooooooooooooooome!

Fei: Meep. Hiding time!

Bart: Fei's a big wuss. A strong wuss, but still a wuss. Looks like I'll have to try that "subtlety" Sig's always talking about.

Fei: Well, that was insightful. Now I know Bart's waiting for me by the elevator. The absolute last thing I want to do right now is talk to him, so… guess I'll head for the elevator!

Bart: Hey there, Fei.

Fei's brain: Bravo! *claps*

Fei: D'oh!

Bart: I said it before and I'll say it again: You're the hero of the game, and me and my boys are fighting for a good cause, so would you stop being a whiny bitch and give us a hand? It's not like you have anything better to do.

Fei: IhateGearsandfightingIhateGearsandfightingIhateGearsandfightingIhateGearsandfightingIhateGearsandfighting IhateGearsandfightingIhateGearsandfightingIhateGearsandfightingIhateGearsandfightingIhateGearsandfighting IhateGearsandfightingIhateGearsandfightingIhateGearsandfightingIhateGearsandfightingIhateGearsandfighting.

Bart: Ugh, I give up.

Fei: ....

Weltall: ....

Fei: You suck.

Weltall: No, you suck.

Fei: …yep. That I do.

Citan: Sorry to crash your pity party, Fei, but there is something Sigurd and I thought you should see.

Bart: Hey Dad, just checking in. I still suck too much to rescue Margie, so not much has changed. Oh, I met this guy who seemed really cool, but he turned out to be a whiny bitch. Although in truth, I'm a whiny bitch myself… I suck.

Sigurd: Do you see that, Fei?

Fei: Yes, I see Bart's a psycho who talks to thin air. And your point would be?

Sigurd: My point would be, since you're clearly both psychos, I figured you'd fit like peas in a pod. What the young master needs more than anything is a bosom buddy, and sir, you fit the bill.

Fei: …that's a rather frightening thought. I can hear the yaoi fangirls drooling from here.

Sigurd: Tell me about it. Anyway, sleep on it. It's totally up to you.

Fei:Well, that's good to know. It's totally up to me. Whew… and here I was afraid some dramatic event would occur overnight that would force me to overcome my milquetoast-ness and fight for right!

Gebler attack team: Oh, were you talking about us? *KABOOM!*

Pirate base citizens: AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEE!

Fei: …d'oh.

Part 7