Part 3

Fei: Well, we've finally reached Mos Eisley Dazil. Now what? Is there a wretched hive of scum and villainy that we have to clean up and then everyone will like us?

Citan: I beg your pardon, Fei… this is Xenogears, not freaking Lunar. Let us hit up the Gear repair shops to find parts for Weltall.

Fei: Great. The sooner we can get them, the sooner I can go back to ranting about how I don't like Gears or fighting.

Citan: Puh, they do not have any of what we need. What is the matter with these people? It is a sick world when you cannot find top of the line military equipment at a normal civilian hardware store.

Fei: Hurray! Hasta la vista, Weltall!

Citan: Fei, you suck. If we give up Weltall, Gebler is going to find us and make us very dead. Why do you think Elly's squad was after it?

Fei: Rats. I guess I'm still stuck with that bucket of bolts

Citan: I am glad you are so spineless, Fei. It makes my job so much easier. Now then, I will just swipe a sand buggy and abandon you to ride off into the desert on a wild goose chase to find parts. Sound good?

Fei: ....

Citan: Good boy! Now roll over! …I jest, of course. Later!

Fei: Dammit Doc, I may be spineless but I'm not stupid. I'll just blindly chase after you on foot and get lost in the desert.


Fei: HOLEY CRAP! It's a UFO the size of a city! AAAAAAAH! I don't want an anal probe! I don't want an anal probe!


Fei: …Eh? It's gone. Well poo, it's almost sundown and I still haven't found Doc. God, if you're listening to me, I sure wouldn't mind running into a naked Priss Asagiri right now…

Aveh motorcycle: *CRASH*

Fei: Okay, that works too. Yoink! *VROOM*

Aveh Gears: Freeze!

Fei: Uh oh, I'm surrounded. Cloud Strife made escaping on motorcycles look so easy…

Citan: There is no need to fear, Under-Doc is here! *RATATATAT*

Aveh Gears: *BOOM!*

Citan: Okay Fei, it is your turn… finish them off!

Fei: But I hate Gears and figh-

Citan: Fei, shut it and get in the robot.

Fei: …FINE. *POW BLAM ASSKICK* …uh oh, what's with this suspiciously ominous music?

Grahf: Behold, my grand entrance as I vogue dramatically in front of the moon! Strike the pose!

Fei: What the… it's Darth Vader? We are dangerously toeing the line of out-and-out plagiarism, here.

Grahf: Shut your face, boy, I could kick Vader's ass from one end of this planet to the other without lifting a finger and you know it. Now then… I am Grahf, the seeker of power, and I have come to taunt you with cryptic hints about your true past!

Fei: Uh… okay…

Grahf: Oh, by the way, I killed your father and I'm the one who attacked Lahan and made you blow the town up. Isn't slaughtering your friends FUN?

Fei: You suck! What do you want from me?

Grahf: Eventually, I intend to make you destroy God. For now, however, I am just going to make your life a living hell by randomly summoning bosses on your whiny ass whenever I feel like it. Such as… right now.


Fei: …your elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor, does it, buddy?

Grahf: The Force-I mean, the Power is very weak in you, kid. When you suck a bit less, I shall return to taunt you again. *FLEE*

Fei: Puh-LEEZE tell me he's the only recurring villain in this game…


Fei: Shut up! You suck! *SMACKDOWN*

Wyrm: *whimper* *dies*

Citan: Well, that was wild. That masked fellow threw so much plot exposition out that even a super genius like yours truly had difficulty keeping up with it. And so casually, at that! Oh, by the way, how are you, Fei?

Fei: Me? I'm fine. We, however, are in a bit of trouble.

Aveh troops: *TCH-CHK* Freeze!

Citan: Well, crap. So now we are in an Aveh prison transport. …Fei? Are you listening to me fret or not?

Fei: *SNORE*


Grahf: You suck.

Khan: No, YOU suck!

Evil Red-Haired Guy: *sadistic grin*

Fei: …ho-kay…?


Citan: Ah, good, you are awake. How are you feeling?

Fei: Like crap. Not only did that guy off my dad, he made me blow Lahan up. I feel like… I'm not myself any more.

Citan: I would offer you some words of comfort, but that would only lead to fangirls writing yaoi fanfics about our predicament. So… I would not worry. As long as you do not tattoo your shoulder, put on a black cape and start walking around chanting "Great… Sephiroth" I think you will be fine.

Fei: Alrighty then, I'll just go right back to sleep. *SNORE*

Citan: Engage Cryptic Monologue Mode! Now then, if Grahf is here… we are approaching the -Time- of the -Gospel-!

Fei: Hey Doc, lay off the dashes. They're too loud for me to sleep through.

Citan: Whoops, sorry. Prepare to flash back!


Citan: Flash back!


Emperor Cain: Yup, the -Time- of the -Gospel-. Bad stuff. Bad, bad, BAD stuff, let me tell you. If we do not resurrect God by then, humanity is toast. We have but one hope.

Citan: One hope, eh? Care to tell me what it is?

Emperor Cain: Um… no.

Citan: Righty-o. Cease flashback!


Fei: *SNORE*

Citan: *sigh* We are SO screwed…

Part 4