Part 1

10,000 Years Ago

Deus: When man plays god, god plays with man.

Viewscreens: You shall be as gods… as in, prepare to not exist.

Captain: Evacuate!

Deus: Yousa people gonna die. *LASERS AND EXPLOSIONS AND DEATH, OH MY*

Captain: Well, crap. Who was it that decided building a sentient interplanetary weapons system and then putting it on an immigration space ship was a good idea? They should have given me hazard pay.

Eldridge: This intro will self destruct in five seconds. *KABOOM!*

Mother: Yowch. Great, I'm the only person alive on the planet and there wasn't even a single set of clothes that survived the crash. Guess I'd better start birthin' babies so one of them can grow up to be a tailor.


Narrator: So Aveh and Kislev are two countries that have been killing each other for so long it's become a tradition. Recently, they both started getting big robots called Gears which provided them with flashier ways to kill each other. There also happens to be a secret military force called Gebler aiding Aveh in the fight, and there's also guys called the Ethos who dig up Gears to better allow everyone to kill each other. And this will all make sense, in the end. However, the end is roughly 80 hours of game play from now, so I hope you're taking notes. To Lahan we go.


Citan: Fei, you suck! The middle of a city is no place for wanton violence, even if there IS a war on!

Fei: Whew, that was just a flashback. Well, at least that's what I'd LIKE to say, except it's actually ominous foreshadowing. Anyway… aren't my pictures PWETTY?

Timothy: Hey hey, it's Fei! Whassup, homeslice?

Fei: Yo. All psyched for your wedding to the town hottie tomorrow, Best Buddy o' mine?

Timothy: Totally! It's gonna be great!

Fei: Yeah, and I'd just like to thank you for befriending an amnesiac dork like me. We'll be friends forever, right?

Timothy: Yup, nothing will come between us!

Dan: And on that note, Fei, I must have a man-to-boy talk with you.

Fei: Sure, what's up, my painfully ugly little pal?

Dan: Well, I'm not too keen on that dork Timothy marrying my big sis. Know what I mean?

Fei: Yeah, it kinda feels like that movie, My Best Friend's Wedding.

Dan: That's why I was thinking we should make it play out more like The Graduate. Wanna go steal my sis? She's pretty damn hot…

Fei: Yeah, apparently she got all your family's looks and you got the ugly. Nice try, kid, but I'm no gigolo. And on that note, I'm off to see your sis.

Alice: Oh, hi, Fei. I didn't think I'd be seeing any men before my wedding.

Fei: Well, they let me in anyway, which either means they really trust me or they're subtly slighting my masculinity. Your brother tried to talk me into sweeping you off your feet, by the way. He acted like you love me or something…

Alice: But I DO-oh screw it, I'm gonna be dead in half an hour anyway and you'll have enough mental baggage without having to think about that.

Fei: And on that cheery note, I think I'll run off to Doc Uzuki's place to borrow cameras for the Happiest Day Of Your Life!

Alice: …Hurray.

Yui: Ah, hello, Fei, it's always good to see you. Come to borrow some equipment from my husband?

Fei: You gots it. He around?

Yui: Yes, he's in the back tinkering around with obscure but major plot points and still stubbornly refusing to speak with contractions.

Fei: Yeah, that's the doc, all right.

Citan: Hello, Fei. Mind the explosions and random mecha strewn around my house. I will be right down to help you, but first, go check out the shed for a little bizarre symbolism.

Fei: If you say so. Whoa, a pretty music box that plays… soothing yet vaguely annoying music.

Citan: Music is mysterious like that. So does this music ring any bells in your amnesiac head, Fei? Huh? Does it? DOES IT?

Fei: Kinda. But if you don't mind my asking, Doc, why'd you get all cryptic and pushy all of a sudden-

Citan: Because chicks dig intellectual rambling. Now go play with my taciturn, telepathic daughter.

Fei: Uh, okey dokey.

Citan: Engage Cryptic Monologue Mode! Well, it would probably be better for Fei to just live peacefully like this, but let us face it: If gamers wanted to simulate living in a peaceful town they would have bought Animal Crossing. Besides, it is not like anything BAD is going to happen around here soon…

Music Box: *SHATTER*

Citan: Uh oh. Square, subtlety was never your strong suit.

Fei: Well, that was a yummy dinner, Yui. Guess I'll be on my way now, and without the cameras, since Doc's a whiny bitch who doesn't trust me.

Yui: Righty-o.

Midori: … (Fei, go grab my ring from the flower bed NOW, or you'll be kicking yourself 70 hours from now when you find out what you could have gotten for it.)

Fei: Off I go, back down the mountainside. Hey, uh… what's with all those Gears flying over us and heading straight… for… Lahan?

Citan: That, my friend, is the sound of plot development. Let us haul ass!


Fei: Well, this is a bummer, what with the town being blown to shreds and all.

Alice: On top of that, we can't find Dan!

Fei: You sure that's a bad thing? I'd like to say we should just let these Gears rid the world of his ugliness forever, but I guess Doc and I will go save him.

Timothy: Righty-o!

Weltall: *collapse*

Creepy boy: *sadistic grin*

Fei: Ooh, shiny. I want! *climbs in* PH33R ME!!! *POW SMACK BLAM KABOOM*

Citan: Uh oh. Fei, you suck! The middle of a city is no place for wanton violence, even if there IS a war on!

Dan: Uh, Fei knows how to pilot a Gear?

Citan: You have not seen anything yet, kiddo. Unfortunately.

Timothy: Hey Dan, I foolishly came back to save you!


Timothy: Whoops. Somebody should have reminded me that one character's best friend always dies in RPGs. *splurch*

Fei: Oh, now you've done it. You've gone and pissed me off.

Cross: *swing*

Creepy boy: Ah, I love the smell of Lahan in the morning.

Weltall: *FLASH*

Lahan: *KABOOM!*

Alice: Look mom, I'm line-art! *disintegrate*

Dan: *badly dubbed scream of anguish*

Fei: Whoo doggy, have I got a hang-over. That must have been one wild reception… uh, Timothy? Alice?

Citan: I am glad you are sitting down, Fei, because you kind of killed them. And most of the townspeople.

Dan: Murderer! You suck!

Citan: No, Dan, YOU suck. It is the Gear's fault, not Fei's.

Dan: Uh… um… you still suck, Fei!

Citan: Well, Fei, everyone here hates you, so you may as well do exactly as I say and head into Blackmoon Forest and make for Aveh.

Fei: Eh, why not. I mean, it's not like misfortune and suffering are going to follow wherever I go, right? RIGHT? …why me…

Part 2