Araragi: Hey there kiddies! My name's Nash Araragi! I'm a level 3 apprentice from the famous magic city of Vane that floats around the Goddess Tower UEF commander who exists solely to personify the pathetic obsession of the Japanese fanboy population with Ruri! …say, do you like my hair?

Ruri: Uh… hi.

Araragi: Please, gorgeous Ruri, there is no need to flatter me with such lavish greetings. It is I who quiver in the presence of the legendary, obscenely sexy ELECTRONIC FAIRY!

Thousands of perverted fanboys: Oh come OFF it, man. She's not THAT hot…

Ruri: Uh. That's nice. Thanks for the greeting, and please expect to receive your restraining order in the mail.

Araragi: *happy sigh* You recorded that, right men? Ah, the ELECTRONIC FAIRY will keep me company on those lonely nights in space-

Martian Successor fleet: *FLASH* Shut up and fight, hornball.

Shinjo: All right boys, let's play Frog Baseball with that shuttle and put an end to the movie before we have to deal with any more wacky hijinks or perverted starship captains.

Goat: It's 190,000 miles to the moon, we've got a full tank of fuel, no cigarettes because they're a fire hazard, we're in space, and somebody dimmed the cockpit lights.

Minato: Hit it! *ZOOM*

Shinjo: Ha! Nadesico characters rush in where fools fear to tread. Waste 'em!

Martian Successor fleet: *BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM*

Minato: Feh. Is three hundred mecha shooting lasers at me all you got? *dodge dodge dodge ZOOM*

Martian Successor fleet: Eh? Which way did she go, George, which way did she go?

UE fleet: Made you look! *KA-BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM*

Martian Successor fleet: AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE.

Araragi: Feh, that was easy. It's amazing people so stupid were able to carry out a rebellion on this level-aw crap, they brought reinforcements.

Minato: Well gang, looks like we're screwed.

Ryoko: Maybe we could try something crazy like, oh, I don't know, FIRING BACK?

Goat: Great idea. Too bad we have no weapons.

Saburota: Wow. We sure could use a good joke to liven the atmosphere here. Too bad I can't think of one.

Kusakabe: Now you see the true cowardice of Earth! They attacked us in our moment of confusion and only AFTER we ambushed them, for god's sake! Remember boys, to them we may be the bad guys, but compassionate conservatism will always triumph! Now go out to Earth and kill mass quantities of people to bring our compassion and justice to the galaxy!

Yurika: … *glow*

Martian Successor army: *FLASH*

Hikaru: Well, here we are smack in the middle of a battle and unable to do a damn thing about it. What should we do, Izumi?

Izumi: Maybe contort our faces and grunt like idiots again?

Hikaru: Works for me!

Saburota: Meanwhile things up in the cockpit aren't so wacky. Something REALLY big is jumping in front of us.

Ryoko: Uh oh, only a deus ex machina can save us now…

Haley: Would you settle for a high mobile battleship?

Big-Ass Gravity Blast Cannon: KAAAAAAAAA-BLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
TO END ALL KA-BLOOOOOIIIIIIEEEEEEESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Martian Successor fleet: AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Ruri: Well, this wouldn't be Nadesico if a Nergal ship didn't show up and fire a gravity blast right away. But how in the hell did it get out of dock that fast?

Nadesico-C: Oh yeah, check me out, I am the most kick-assingest looking Nadesico EVER. But regrettably, I'm still not as cool as the Yamato Nadesico from the manga.

Seiya: Feh… that was about the ONLY good thing to come out of the manga.

Entire crew: OMG! It's Seiya! Didn't see that one coming…

Entire male cast: Yep, yep, yep, you didn't really think they'd be able to get away with building a new battleship without ol' Supergeek here to speed things up, did ya? God, I rule!

Izumi: Aw, look at that, he's got scratch marks on his cheeks from his wife trying to stop him from leaving.

Hikaru: Yeah, it's sort of cute, in a psychotic kind of way.

Ruri: Okay, hang on. A multi-billion dollar ship being finished early I can understand, since THIS IS ANIME™, but a boson jump? I think an explanation is in order here.

Inez: Well, now you've done it. I'll never shut up-

Martian Successor army: Thank god for abrupt scene changes. Die, Earth cities! *RATATATATATATAT BOOM*

UC army: AAAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEE.

Kusakabe: God, we rock-guh?

Inez: Ha! Abrupt scene changes cut both ways, y'know. Final FINAL explanation, live from the spankin' new Nadesico-C. Basically, the Martian Successors' heretofore unelaborated goals were to basically rearrange every aspect of human society to fit their ideals and generally force us to live out as many Orwellian nightmares as they could without getting sued by his estate. Now as for-

Ruri: I once again regret having to bite, William Shatner, but… aren't you supposed to be dead?

Ryoko: Yeah! EXPLN PLZ.

Akatsuki: I'll field that one. Anything to get screen time and all, y'know.

Hikaru: Oh, hey, it's the world's richest and sexiest LOSER VIRGIN.

Akatsuki: Ow. Shot through the heart, and you're to blame, and all that.

Ryoko: Just shut up and tell us what's going on, you Class-A war criminal!

Akatsuki: Oh, did the military pilot who went AWOL to join this mission have something to say to me? Zinged ya!

Ryoko: Erk.

Akatsuki: You're cute when you're pissed. Anyway, after Yurika and Akito disappeared, we told everybody Inez was dead and hid her away so the Successors couldn't kidnap her. After all, if you can fool your friends, you can fool your enemies.

Ruri: I see. Mr. Akatsuki, there's just one thing I'm curious to know.

Akatsuki: What's that?

Ruri: …are you SURE you're not related to Xellos?

Akatsuki: Well, I'd love to give you a straight answer, but I have to go publicly humiliate a terrorist army, so for now that will remain… a secret!

On to the Nadesico Movie: Part Ten