(Da Movie)


Minato: You have a rather curious taste in mourning clothes, Ruri-Ruri. Better hope there's no boys around when you bend over to put those flowers on the graves… oh look, there's an extremely suspicious looking boy.

Ruri: Psst, Minato. Either that's Akito standing there, or Darth Vader is a lot younger than I thought.

Minato: Uh, I'm getting déjà vu here. Was there a glitch in the Matrix?

Akito: No; however, some shit will be going down shortly, so you're half right.

Ruri: It shames me greatly that a super genius like yours truly didn't notice that Akito and the captain weren't the only people who vanished awhile ago. So what's it like to be kidnapped?

Akito: Trust me, you don't want to know. Whatever you've seen on "OZ" reruns, it's at least a hundred times worse.

Ruri: Y'know, now that I think about it, it wasn't very nice of you not to tell me you were alive. Why, Akito, why?

Akito: I didn't tell you because I am a bad ass. And bad asses aren't nice people.

Minato: You're not a bad ass, you're a jerk. This is on behalf of me, Ruri, and every single viewer feeling weirded out and alienated by your cold behavior towards the people you love… *BITCHSLAP*

Akito: Hn. *TCH-CHK*

Minato: Meep. Um, okay, sorry, no need to blow my brains out-

Akito: Fooled you. Look over there.

Hokushin: Ah, I'm always the one to break up the tender emotional moments, aren't I? I love my job.

Ruri: Hey, it's…

Minato: …that old dude from Ninja Scroll?

Hokushin: Hardy har har. Get ready to die.

Akito: All righty then, let's see how you like my special .357 magnum. They didn't bother to tell the audience, but this sucker is strong enough to drive a bullet through Aestivalis armor. *BLAM BLAM BLAM*

Hokushin: *DOINK* But not through a personal distortion field. Too bad for you, sucker.


Ruri: Oh yeah, Akito, it made a LOT of sense to keep wasting bullets after you saw your first shots weren't getting through. Some bad ass you are.

Hokushin: Are you quite through with your silly, and might I add very pointless, resistance?

Akito: Better run, girls, while you still have legs to run with. These guys don't discriminate in whupping ass.

Ruri: If they're that dangerous, we'd probably never get away anyway. See, I can be just as laconic and resigned to fate as you can.

Minato: I'll just be over here pissing my pantyhose, then.

Assassins: Hey boss, that girl has GOLDEN EYES.

Hokushin: Ah yes, GOLDEN EYES. The mark of-

Ruri: James Bond?

Hokushin: No, an ELECTRONIC FAIRY. Whatever the hell an ELECTRONIC FAIRY is, we know for sure that you're one. Ah well, even if we can't get Lapis back, this chick will make a nice replacement. Pretty good fashion sense too… *slurp*

Ruri: I guess the only way to respond to that is to point out what I should have figured out about three minutes ago: You guys are the ones who kidnapped all the A-class jumpers, right?

Hokushin: Yeah, that's us. We do the dirty work for the Successors, since we've basically given up on trying to be actual human beings.

Assassins: Smash the viewers' expectations, for the revolution of the world!

Genichiro: Whoo! SOMEbody needs to reel himself in! And reel Kusakabe in while you're at it. Prepare to be smitten by the Hammer Of Justice, foul villains!

Hokushin: Aw, it's Mr. Traitor. So lovely to see you.

Genichiro: You're just jealous that I'm a good guy now. Or perhaps it's envy of the fact that I have eyes of equal size?

Hokushin: Shut up. Having fun being Nergal's bitch?

Genichiro: It has its perks. You guys may get ridiculously unthreatening outfits, but *I* get the Men In Black.

Men In Black: Yo. *TCH-CHK*

Ruri: Whoa.

Assassins: You mean Nergal knew we were here all along? Don't WE feel stupid!

Hokushin: Chill, homies. It ain't no thang.

Goat: Hi there, Minato. Like my Golgo 13 impersonation?

Minato: Dude!

Ruri: Sweet!

Genichiro: Now, we can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way. Which would you prefer?

Hokushin: Well, THIS IS ANIME™, so the hard way it is! Cannon fodder assassin #1, go kill him.

Cannon fodder assassin #1: YAAAAH! Prepare to taste my blade-

Genichiro: *KA-POWIE* Excuse me, I was too busy WHIPPING YOUR ASS to pay attention. Run that by me again? *CRUNCH*

Cannon fodder assassin #1: *SPLAT* Uh… ouchies?

Genichiro: And now, Bowling For Assassins. *FLING*

Cannon fodder assassins #2 and 3: UGH! *SPLAT*

Minato: Dude! I know Genichiro killed my boyfriend and all, but he just 0\/\/N3D those guys!

Akito: Yeah, I'd have to say he gets crazy hella props for that one.

Genichiro: Now how about we try the easy way one more time. You can (A) surrender or (B) die.

Hokushin: In that case, I pick (C): Boson jump. Later! *FLASH*

Ruri: Well, that was anticlimactic. I don't know how the hell any two people are going to stay in the same place long enough to resolve a scene in this movie with all this random boson jumping.

Akito: And they're using my wife to do it. Looks like I'll have to take a rain check on my cold-blooded revenge. Well, Ruri, we're running out of screen time to bullshit around, so… would you mind hanging onto something for me?

Ruri: Do I get the gun?

Akito: No.

Ruri: Damn.

On to the Nadesico Movie: Part Eight