(Da Movie)


Yurika: ....

Martian Successor Scientists: Oh no, our jump test is being rejected! Let's shout lots of technobabble to make it look like something exciting's actually happening!

Scientist: Aw crap, looks like that dumb boson-jumping bitch is being bratty and not cooperating again.

Yamasaki: If I had anything resembling a soul or conscience, I'd probably say that should be expected, considering we're basically mind-raping her here… er, what's up with that dress?

Scientist: Oh, yeah, some of the girls were pissed about having to work next to a naked chick, so they covered her up.

Yamasaki: Wow. Aren't we just the wackiest evil bastards ever?

Scientist: I must say, she's a real ace in the hole. Take the current space battle going on right now.

Yamasaki: Yeah. It was pretty funny when the UC thought they won and then we jumped 150 mechs right on top of them and made them go "BOOM", wasn't it?

Kusakabe: I suppose that is what we would call "0\/\/N1N6" someone, correct, professor?

Yamasaki: Yeah, thanks to some boring techno-jargon involving flagrant overuse of the number "98%", we can jump anyone anywhere in the galaxy now. And we owe it all to a sappy girls' manga.

Kusakabe: …congratulations, professor, I am officially at a loss. EXPLN PLZ.

Ruri: But first, it's time for a totally gratuitous bath scene. Maybe if I mumble some metaphorical crap to myself, it'll make it look like there's actually a point to this…

Thousands of perverted fanboys: Sheesh, this isn't even worth getting worked up for… talk about a letdown! Lamest. Bath scene. EVER.

Ruri: Well, now that that crap's over with… shall we get the hell out of here, Number One?

Haley: Make it so!

Izumi: And now, a Totally Random Izumi Moment.™

Ukelele: TWANG.

Haley: This Totally Random Izumi Moment™ brought to you by some brand of fruit milk. *slurp*

Ruri: All right soldier boy, it's time to get this Vicodin-trip of a plot moving again, so you're shipping off to the moon via boson jump first thing tomorrow to get that new ship in, well, ship-shape.

Haley: Captain, I'm not sure what the holy hell you spiked your fruit milk with, but I can't jump myself anywhere.

Ruri: It's okay, we've arranged for a mysterious class-A jumper to send you there. It's all very hush-hush.

Thousands of anime fans: Oh gee, wonder who THAT could be…

Hikaru: And now for something completely different: I get to kick Ryoko's ass at arcade fighting games and call it work!

Ryoko: Just shoot me now.

Goat: I agree with the concept of training Hikaru back into shape, but, uh, the method chosen…

Prospector: Dude, just cork it, this is our chance to counteract all the negative publicity the video game industry is always getting. Remember kids, buy lots of video games, the fate of the earth could depend on it some day!

Hikaru: Hey, Ryoko?

Ryoko: What?

Hikaru: 0\/\/N3D!!! *KABLAM*


Prospector: Now that we've sufficiently reestablished wackiness, albeit in an awfully forced manner, what's up with the enemy?

Goat: They're in Japan.

Prospector: …and?

Goat: I don't know anything else, just that they're in Japan, that's all! Yeesh, I wasn't expecting some kind of Spanish Inquisition--

Ukelele: TWANG.

Izumi: No one expects the Spanish Inquisition! Or me!

Prospector: (…ESPECIALLY in that outfit…)

Yamasaki: And now for something completely different: Ten hard-boiled military men crowded around a shoujo manga and reading it in their planning room.

Kusakabe: And blushing.

Shinjo: Profusely.

Yamasaki: Anyway, the reason we had trouble jumping people at first was because that Yurika chick, who was supposed to be sending our imagery to the ruins to jump our men, was slacking off and dreaming about that escaped schmuck Akito instead. So instead of forcing the jump data into her brain, we slipped mushy images from that manga in alongside the data we wanted input, and voila! Instant success!

Kusakabe: So, as another famous compassionate conservative would put it, we used "subliminababable messages"?

Yamasaki: Yeah. And this chick is so ditzy she doesn't even realize that we're playing her like a fiddle. Are we dirty little bastards or what?

Thousands of anime fans: This is sickening… isn't this SUPPOSED to be a comedy?!

Yurika: … (I'm so happy! Just me and Akito, having a perfect life together! Riding trains, hitting the beach, getting naked, it's all good! Say, Akito, where do you want to go next?!)

Hokushin: To the Chichibu Mountains, Japan. And step on it, bitch.

Yurika: … (Okay, Akito! Off you go! Let the power of the true love we share send you there!)

Hokushin: *FLASH* And the chick's love sent me here so I can KILL her husband. God, I love bitter irony.

Thousands of anime fans: Mr. Asamiya… we are going to FIND OUT where you LIVE…

Hokushin: Boy, it feels good to ditch that metal battle armor. I would have stood out like a sore thumb.

Assassins: And you're less noticeable in THAT, sir? You look like that old dude from Ninja Scroll.

Hokushin: Ah, shut up, you're wearing the same things. Tenkawa should be in this area, so…tomorrow, tomorrow/
We kill him, tomorrow/

Assassins: Uh, then what?

Hokushin: Then we should probably steal Lapis back, considering she's supposed to be our tool after all. Yess, my precioussssss… *slurp*

Saburota: So, Haley, how was your wild night of passion with the captain?

Haley: Well, if you can believe it, it was so torrid that we actually DRANK FRUIT MILK TOGETHER and HELD HANDS when we went to sleep. Fully clothed, of course.


Haley: Isn't that hot?

Saburota: …congratulations, Haley, you just blew your chance to live out what thousands of fanboys have dreamed of for years. Yeesh.

Haley: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I have to stand in the middle of a big underground dome trussed up like a puppet. So who's this mystery guide who'll be jumping me to the moon?

Inez: It's-a me, Ine-er, the Mystery Guide!

Thousands of anime fans: Oh, puh-leeeeeeeze. That little sunglasses getup is an even less convincing disguise than Akito's stupid visor.

Inez: Okay, Haley, all you have to do is think a happy thought and…

Haley: I CAN FLY!

Inez: No, but you CAN jump. Here we go.

Inez and Haley: *FLASH*

Yurika … *twitch*

Random Martian Successor janitor: Wow! A facial movement so faint even the movie's camera didn't pick it up! Think someone jumped?

Other random Martian Successor janitor: Feh. Who cares? It's not like it's anything that's going to result in the downfall of our revolution, right?

Minato: So, any particular reason you didn't see Haley off?

Ruri: I think I'm getting superstitious in my old age. Let's kick off the infamous "graveyard scene."

On to the Nadesico Movie: Part Seven