(Da Movie)


Jun: Well, everyone, it appears that the old adage that you can't consider an anime villain dead until you see his corpse with your own eyes has come back to bite us in the ass once again.

Admiral Akiyama: Uh, yeah, that was our bad. Sorry 'bout this.

Admiral Misumaru: Ain't no thang, homeslice.

Jun: On top of Kusakabe still being around, as much as a third of our military appears to sympathize with him, and a bunch of civilian scientists involved with the Hisago Plan too. This either means they were exceptionally good at hiding their intentions, or our background screening is pathetic enough to allow even the American I.N.S. to laugh at us.

Admiral Munetake: So basically, the Hisago Plan, rather than being ambitious human settlements, amounted to little more than Kusakabe's massively complex plan to get revenge and take control of the solar system? And we never noticed?

Ruri: That's essentially it, sir. We've been booed, screwed, mooed, and we're about to be tattooed. On top of that, it appears Kusakabe and the Crimson Group, Nergal's rival and chief architect of the Hisago Plan, had some sort of agreement worked out to not interfere with each other's boson jumping experiments during the war.

Admiral Akiyama:I do recall Kusakabe prattling about the importance of boson jumping supremacy in the name of LOVE AND PEACE pretty much all the time. Too bad that a translation mishap by the fansubbers is making it appear as though it was Nergal who was aiding him and not the Crimsons.

Jun: So we've got corporate subterfuge and a hypocritical jerk in power pushing everyone around for his own twisted ideals. I must say, Mr. Kusakabe is a real piece of work. Let's just hope he hasn't allied himself with that romantic-suicide chick from episode 10.

Admiral Misumaru: Well Akiyama, since we're already in agreement that he's an interplanetary baby-murdering scumbag, do you have any damaging and possibly exploitable information about Kusakabe to share? Possibly involving interns?

Admiral Akiyama: Nope, just that he's a relentless idealist who had trouble understanding that other people might see things differently from him. Oh, and I think he liked to call himself a "compassionate conservative" or something.

Ruri: Ahem, perhaps we should cut away from this conference before the lack of action and dark, quiet setting make the audience fall asleep. Sheesh, this is a manic-depressive plot pace if I've ever seen one. What's up with this movie?

Thousands of anime fans: We've been wondering that for a while!

Admiral Misumaru: Now then, I realize this is a bit on the spur of the moment, but we're sending Ruri and her crew to locate and retrieve the ruin, and giving you a brand-spanking new battleship, the Nadesico-C.

Saburota: Guh? But we've already got one! I mean, the Nadesico-B still has that "new ship" smell! We didn't even use it to fight in that last battle, for god's sake!

Admiral Akiyama: Saburota my boy, if there's one thing about the military you still don't understand, it's that we're ALWAYS looking to blow our budget on the newest toys.

Mika Akitaka: Well actually, the producers just wanted to give me a chance to go buck wild with the mech designs.

Admiral Akiyama: AHEM… Besides, the Nadesico-B is technically a UE ship, and the mission we're sending you kids on is technically outside military operations. Which means that technically we can't man it with a military crew. Which means that technically…

Ruri: …we're going to waste an entire third of the film tracking down the old crewmembers of the first Nadesico and recruiting them while having lots of zany character interaction.

Prospector: Sharp as usual, Ruri! This hard-boiled sci-fi flick has just turned into Blues Brothers 2201!

Haley: But… but I don't WANNA go find a bunch of old people! It's a complete waste of time!

Thousands of anime fans: …he's completely right…

Ruri: Stuff it Haley, we're gonna do it. First on the list is…

Hikaru: Me! Me! MEEEEE!!!!!!

Ruri: Ah yes, our pathetic pilot fangirl who's trying to hack it as a manga artist.

Hikaru: Trying? And succeeding, I'd say. I'm always up for kicking butt, but first I need to shanghai you three into helping me ink my latest issue so I can get it to the publisher. Oh, and hold all my calls. (I always wanted to say that…)

Saburota: Isn't this wacky?

Haley: I dunno, the humor feels really forced to me.

Thousands of anime fans: Yes! Exactly! Come on Haley, just a little bit more and you'll become this film's Scott Evil!

Ukelele: TWANG.

Izumi: To think that in just three short years I've opened my own nightclub and pack it with customers every night. This in spite of the fact that my ramblings and puns are leaving the realm of "random" and approaching "syphilis-induced."

Bartender: So, you're a war buddy of the owner?

Prospector: You could say that. Another shot, please; I'm gonna need to be good and drunk by the time I try to talk to her.

Ruri: Ah, flashbacks of Akito and Yurika. And Ms. Fressange explaining boson jumps to me. And Akito and Yurika being blown up in a shuttle crash. And being blown up again at Amaterasu. Wait a minute… AAAAIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Saburota, Haley and Hikaru: *SNNOORREEE*

Ruri: *sigh* Weird, deadly dreams suck.

On to the Nadesico Movie: Part Five