(Da Movie)


Akito: Seven against one? Hardly fair, but I am a bad ass, so it's okay. Say, am I the only one noticing for the first time that my new mech rather resembles a miniature black version of Emerald Weapon? I mean, enormous shoulders, tail and everything. *BOOM BOOM BOOM*

Ruri: So now that we have a moment to chat, HI! My name is Ruri, and this is my wacky anthropomorphic computer, Omoikane. What's yours?

Lapis There's someone in my head, but it's not me.

Ruri: Um, hello, fellow human being, or likable facsimile, speaking to you. Reply, please?

Lapis: Er, whoops. I am Lapis Lazuli. Whoa… I actually had a speaking line. Anyway, I am Akito's arms, Akito's legs, Akito's eyes, Akito's ears, Akito's-

Ruri: We get the point. Let's just nip that one right there before you start going into parts of Akito's anatomy most people would rather not think about.

Akito: Wheee, aren't these crazy camera angles fun? Or at least vertigo-inducing? *BOOM BOOM BOOM*

Hokushin: You know, for a climactic battle, there seems to be a severe lack of people dying. I can fix that, though. *BOOM BOOM*

Akito: This would be where I would say "ouch", but I'm too bad assed to do it. Nyeah.

Hokushin: You suck, Akito. You really do, do you know that? Even with your fancy new mech, your suckitude is so great I still can't even begin to scratch the surface of it.

Akito: Yurika, if you still believe in me, clap your hands!

Yurika: ....

Akito: Okay, maybe you can't clap right now, but it's the thought that counts. Well, RAGE AGAIN!!! *GLOW*

Assassins: This is where we interfere in the fight to tip the battle in the boss' favor.

Ryoko: Oh yeah? Well this is where we show up to even things out and simultaneously lighten the mood! Ready gang? One, two, three…

Izumi, Hikaru and Saburota: TIME TO SAVE TENKAWA'S ASS!!!!™

Ryoko: The horsemen are drawing nearer/
On the leather steeds they ride/
They have come to take your life/
On through the dead of night/
With the four horsemen ride/
Or choose your fate and die! *BOOM BOOM BOOM*

Hikaru: Yay! Not only did we work in a tasteless Metallica reference…

Izumi: But we can now use Ryoko's metaphor to crack really tasteless jokes about her sex life!

Saburota: It pains me greatly that I missed out on 15 episodes of doing these gags with you guys.


Saburota: Great, just remember to focus it on the bad guys. And save the OTHER urges for later, wink wink.

Izumi and Hikaru: Yowza!

Ryoko: You all suck!

Hokushin: Well, you've certainly proved your manhood to me, Tenkawa. Too bad you didn't get to show off in front of your wife.

Akito: Oh, that does it, the mask is OFF. Sorry to disappoint those who were expecting a Chocolate Misu-level transformation, but I'm wearing enough black leather as it is. Now quit patronizing me and let's end this crap.

Hokushin: It could be worse, I could announce this whole war was a simulation to recreate Heero Yuy, the perfect soldier.


Hideo Kojima: *cattle-prods them both in the ass*

Kusakabe: Well, it seems my men have been beaten like the Tampa Bay Devil Rays by your wacky former comrades. How can we settle things in a way that will provide finality and simultaneously foster immense disappointment in the audience?

Akito: How about a high-stakes game of Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots?



Hokushin: Ooof, that's gonna leave a mark or fifty. *splat*

Kia Asamiya: Akito wins. FATALITY.

Thousands of anime fans: Hmph. So much for the earth-shattering ka-boom.

Akito: *jettison*

Kia Asamiya: Look! Look! That black mech is really Akito's pink Aestivalis! And it's crying oil tears! Isn't that symbolic?

Thousands of anime fans: Oh, come OFF it already…

Yurika: Ungh. Hey everyone, I just had the strangest dream… I was in the middle of a cornfield, and there was this huge satellite dish sticking out of my ass, and then there were lots of cows and aliens, and I went up on the ship, and Scott Baio gave me pinkeye!

Entire cast: ....

Minato: Phew, looks like all systems are normal with her.

Yurika: Hey, where's Akito? Didn't he read Snow White? The prince is supposed to wake the princess up with a kiss or something…

Hikaru: He ran away like a wuss! I guess some things never change.

Saburota: Yeah, well, what can ya do. He's the one with the personal battleship and the MAD SKILLZ and all.

Akito: I will never know/
Myself until I do this on my own/
And I will never feel/
Anything else until my wounds are healed/
I will never be/
Anything 'til I break away from me/
And I will break away/
I'll find myself today… *FLASH*

Ryoko: Pfffft. Some happy ending. Where the hell's he going?

Ruri: Who gives a shit?

Thousands of anime fans: Oh, we don't know, maybe US?

Ruri: Well, if he doesn't come back, we'll just drag his angsty butt back here.

Yurika: Still, some closure would have been nice, considering this movie basically just sort of…

Kia Asamiya: …Stops.

Thousands of anime fans: What the hell?! That's the end?! No denouement?!

Kia Asamiya: No denouement.

Thousands of anime fans: And no more Nadesico?!

Kia Asamiya: No more.

Thousands of anime fans: You suck! This whole movie ran out like some half-assed piece of fanfiction that the writer got bored of writing two thirds of the way through! For god's sake, where the hell WAS Akito going anyway?!

Akito: …isn't it obvious? I'm going to track Mr. Asamiya down and kill him.

Thousands of anime fans: You'll have to beat us to him!!!


Continue on to:

Nagare Akatsuki's Guided Tour of Nadesico Fanfiction


Back to the Anime Alcove