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Akatsuki: Evening ladies and gentlemen, but mostly the ladies. I'm Nagare Akatsuki, and I'll be your host this evening as we take a tour through the various and sundry fanfiction that's sprung up to pay tribute to our wonderful little show. Let's get things rolling, shall we?
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THE GENERIC AKITO/GAI FIC
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Akito: Gai, you are my hero! Even if you are a complete screw-up.
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Gai: Aw shucks, kid, I find your youthful enthusiasm highly endearing.
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Akito: Yay! Let's have steamy buttsex with stomach-turningly graphic play-by-play description!
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*BOW-CHICKA-BOW-WOW*
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Yurika: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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THE END
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Akatsuki: So there's the infamous Gekigangar Fanboy Buttsex Pairing. Ouch, in more ways than one, huh guys?
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Gai: You said it! In hindsight, I'm glad they killed me off when they did.
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Akito: I suppose that's the worst of it, although this next set isn't much better for me…
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THE GENERIC AKITO/MEGUMI FIC
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Akito: War is evil and so is the government and I hate everybody.
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Megumi: *insert flowery motivational speech here*
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Akito: Wow, that was motivational, Megumi! Er, marry me?
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Megumi: Yay! Now let's get to business so I can set about turning you into a codependent milksop through my incessant nagging and henpecking!
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Akito: Hooray! Psychological abuse isn't just healthy, it's fun for the whole family!
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Yurika: Duuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrr… *drool*
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Akito: Uh, what's wrong with Yurika?
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Schoolboys: Oh, it's nothing big, she's just been dumbed down into a vegetable barely capable of breathing on her own to facilitate us hooking up. Pretty standard fanfiction procedure, actually.
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Amelia, Relena, Naru and Ayeka: Tell us about it!
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THE END:
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Akatsuki: You know, the more of these fanfics I read, the less depressed I am about not winning the captain.
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Yurika: For some reason, I get a feeling a lot of these fangirls *really* enjoyed the movie…
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THE GENERIC AKITO/RYOKO FIC
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Ryoko: I'm nothing more than a glorified murderer and I suck and I should die or something.
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Akito: *insert flowery motivational speech here*
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Ryoko: Oh Tenkawa, you've given me direction in life! I want your scrawny manhood in me in the most floridly-described manner possible, right now!
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Akito: Duuuuuuh… okay.
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*BOW-CHICKA-BOW-WOW*
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Yurika: *chokes on her own spit and dies*
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THE END
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Akatsuki: It hardly seems fair… I believe *I* am supposed to be the playboy here.
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Akito: Hey, if you want them, I won't keep them from you!
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Ryoko: Step OFF, scrub.
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Akatsuki: Damn. Oh well, I'll get my turn in…
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THE GENERIC AKATSUKI/RYOKO FIC
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Ryoko: Akatsuki, you are a complete prick.
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Akatsuki: Hey, I am not!
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Ryoko: Yes you are! You are a profoundly cocky bastard!
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Akatsuki: No, I'm not! I'm not bad! I can change!
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Ryoko: No, you can't! You're bad!
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Akatsuki: Am not!
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Ryoko: Are too!
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Akatsuki: Am not!
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Ryoko: Yes you are. You're bad, and I LIKE it.
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Akatsuki: …I'm bad to the bone, baby.
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THE END
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Akatsuki: Yep, another notch on the executive belt.
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Ryoko: Too bad the executive BRANCH turned out to be overrated…
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Akatsuki: Now that cuts right to the heart. ;_;
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Ryoko: Moving on…
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THE GENERIC AKITO/RURI FIC
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Ruri: Tenkawa, I want you. Right. Now.
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Akito: Now that's just wrong. I mean, it's just… wrong. Let's do it.
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*BOW-CHICKA-BOW-WOW*
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THE END
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Akatsuki: You want to handle this one, Miss ELECTRONIC FAIRY?
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Ruri: Idiots.
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Akatsuki: Raise your hand if you didn't see THAT one coming.
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THE GENERIC RURI/YUKINA FIC
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Ruri: Yukina, you are wild, uninhibited, adversarial and loudmouthed. In short, you're everything I'm not.
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Yukina: So?
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Ruri: So, I find that incredibly attractive. And I'm alone and emotionally distraught, so I'm vulnerable.
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Yukina: Yay, I love you too! Get over here so I can tap that cute albino butt of yours!
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THE END
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Akatsuki: Hmm, hmm, hmm. ELECTRONIC "FAIRY" indeed!
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Ruri: Oh, shut up. -_-
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THE GENERIC JUN/YUKINA FIC
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Yukina: Heeeeeey, Juuuuuunnnnnnniiiiiieeeeeeeee!!!
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Jun: What?
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Yukina: I've got a promise to fulfill! Ready for a wham-bam-thank-you-sir?
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*BOW-CHICKA-BOW-WOW*
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Jun: Oh my god, she used me… she just used me up and left me like I was some kind of slut… I was used… COOL!!!
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THE END
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Yukina: Why is it that I'm always a sexual predator in these fanfics?
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Tsukumo: I agree! My sister may be a little on the psycho side, but she's hardly maladjust-
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Yukina: I mean, once in a while I'D like to get molested too, ya know…
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Tsukumo: *sweatdrop*
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Akatsuki: Er… let's just be thankful there's no Yukina/Tsukumo fics. Anyway?
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THE GENERIC JUN/MEGUMI FIC
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Jun: *sigh* Yurika…
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Megumi: *sigh* Akito…
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Jun: Yurika…
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Megumi: Akito…
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Jun: Yurika…
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Megumi: Akito…
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Jun: …Sympathy fuck?
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Megumi: Works for me!
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*BOW-CHICKA-BOW-WOW*
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THE END
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Akatsuki: Uh, that one actually sort of makes sense. Why do you suppose it didn't happen?
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Jun: Because the writers hate us?
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Megumi: Because they were too busy wasting screen time on playing Ruri up for her lolicon fanboys?
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Ruri: I resemble… er, resent that remark.
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Akatsuki: Well, I'd probably better close things up before we wind up with a catfight on our hands, so for the Nadesico crew, this is Nagare Akatsuki saying good night, and good reading. Well, as good as possible, under the circumstances.
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THE END
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Seiya: DAMMIT!!!!! I'M *STILL* NOT GETTING ANY!!!!!!!!!!
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Home
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