(Da Movie)


AD 2201 August 1

Ruri: There are lots and lots of stars. People say goodbye a lot too. Speaking of which…

Admiral Misumaru: Hey Yurika, I just dropped by to say hello. I bet you and Akito are having a swingin' time being dead and all. Considering you're probably space dust, it's probably not a good idea to compliment your formerly stunning good looks right now, eh?

Thousands of anime fans: WATE WUT?! 30 seconds into the movie and we've already got plot-twist whiplash.

Hokushin: So this is the Shirahime colony, eh? What a nice place. Let's blow it up, boys.

Shirahime: KABOOM.

UC Military: GACK.

Scientists: GACK.

Jun: Look at me, mom! I'm captaining my own ship, and I'm growing out my hair! Am I a rebel now or what?

Thousands of rabid fangirls: SQUEAL.

Operators: Now if you can all stop being bedazzled by the pretty CG effects for a few seconds, we should probably point out that some unidentified mech is boson-jumping into the battlefield, captain.

Jun: What the hell is that thing-


Jun: NO! Stupid title! You're stealing my screen time again! Give it baaaaaack!

Newspapers: Shirahime destroyed! Battle! Unidentified robot!

Thousands of anime fans: Whoa, hang on, slow down here-

Newspapers: Boson jumping! Hisago Plan!

Thousands of anime fans: ARGH! Our necks!

Jun: *sigh* Oh well. At least I got my picture in the paper. I'd show it off to Yurika if she wasn't 1) Married to Akito and 2) STONE DEAD.

Gamers: Do you know?

Schoolboys: Have you heard?

Salarymen: Do you know what I know?

Schoolgirls: I wonder, I wonder, do you know what I wonder? Wait, that's Utena. Anyway, isn't that robot thing spooky? SQUEAL!

Hackers: A "ghost robot"? Sufferin' succotash! We've got a full-blown conspiracy on our hands! Someone thaw out the cryogenically frozen corpses of the Lone Gunmen!

Media: No need to panic everyone, the Earth and Jovian leadership council's convened an emergency meeting to deal with the threat.

Earth representative: That makes four colonies attacked in two months… whodunnit?

Jovian representative: It wasn't a Jovian, so it must have been from Earth, you poo-poo head!


Jovian representative: OMGWTF!!!!1


Media: Hmmmm. Maybe you SHOULD panic after all.

Jun: This is nuts… I've gotten so much screen time I just might turn out to be the main character of the movie! Oh, joy! Anyway, council, I saw a boson jump for sure.

UC Council: Captain Aoi, you suck. According to our records you had a sensor malfunction. There wasn't REALLY a boson jump, it was just some smoke and mirrors.

Jun: Look, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

UC Council: You're a good soldier, Aoi, but you have a lot to learn about deceiving the public. Now shut up and stop spouting about boson jumps. There's no way a mech of that size could do it without a Chulip, anyway.

Jun: DAMMIT! *punch* Ooh, hey, I'm strong enough to put a hole in a wall now! Guess that time in the gym's been paying off.

Thousands of rabid fangirls: *SWOON*

Admiral Munetake: Hi kids, I'm Yoshisada Munetake, the OTHER Munetake. You know, the nutjob's father… don't worry, I'm a good guy. Anyway, it's out of the UEF's hands now, and the bureaucratic morons will probably bungle the investigation. So I sent the Nadesico-B to investigate real quiet like.

Jun: Wate… wut?

Ruri: Hello idiots, say hi to the new and improved Ruri Hoshino. Now with 75% more cleavage!

Thousands of perverted fanboys: *SWOON*

Saburota: And say hi to the new and improved Saburota Takasugi. Amazing what three years and a ton of hair dye can do, eh? Eminem, eat your heart out!

Lots of girls' messages: Saburota! We want your baby!

Saburota: DAMN, I'm a pimp.

Haley: And say hi to the new character. You're quite a mack daddy, Saburota, and I'd like to ask you to teach me how to be one remind you that you still suck.

Saburota: Look kid, it's not my fault that you're totally girly. Survey says you're jealous.


Ruri: That's quite enough, you two. Get the ship prepped for its boson jump.

Saburota: And awaaaaaaay to Amaterasu we go.

Haley: Maybe we should drop some backstory about the technological advances that now allow Earth ships to travel safely through Chulips?

Saburota: Feh. Let's just dizzy their eyes with some more spiffy CG effects.

Ruri: Now that that's out of the way, I prefer a more hands-off style now, so we'll let them take the ship in to dock automatically. Let's go have a chat with the colony commander.

Azuma: You suck! Go away from my colony!

Ruri: Gee willikers, sir, you wouldn't happen to be hiding anything, would you?

Azuma: Actually, no. Now go away!

Ruri: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Anyway, we're here to inspect your boson jumping system to make sure that the "sensor malfunction" reported during the Shirahime incident doesn't happen again.

Azuma: Read my lips: Our colony is PERFECT!

Yamasaki: Let's all act in the best interest of the universe. Whoops, did I just utter a forebodingly idealistic-sounding phrase? There's nothing to worry about, we're on the up and up.

Hisagon: Hi there, kids! I'm pure, concentrated evil!

Kids: You suck! Uh, we mean, hi!

Ruri: …so I'm stuck on a kids' tour. Good thing I'm so reserved, otherwise I'd probably strangle these brats and make it look like an accident. Pac-Man Jr. there would have to go too.

Azuma: Whatta maroon!

Yamasaki: I almost pity the girl. Almost.

Azuma: I'm too IMPORTANT to be inspected by a little girl! Let's get her out of here on the hum, before those wiseasses at the UE try to show any more IMPUDENCE to me.

Haley: Unfortunately for you schmucks, the captain's a ruse. While you're chuckling, I'm hacking your files. Omoikane, spoon me up some warm crunchy data goodness!

Omoikane: Okey dokie.

Thousands of anime fans: Dammit, now we're hungry.

Haley: It's looking good, it's looking-

Saburota: Boo.


Saburota: Whoa, talk about a spaz.

Haley: I thought I told you not to scare the crap out of me like that!

Saburota: But… but I thought you'd be happy to see me… I thought you loved me…


Slashfic authors: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! *type type type*

Haley: Seriously though, I feel like such a dirty little bastard for breaking into their files, even if they are complete assholes.

Saburota: Well, they're the ones who are supposed to be our allies, remember?

Haley: Poor Ruri, being used as a decoy like this…

Saburota: Aw, Haley's got a CRUSH on the captain! That's so cute! Now less whiney, more hackey.

Mayumi: See kids, thanks to the miracles of modern technology anyone can survive a boson jump! They just have to have their DNA altered slightly.

Kids: Wow! That's pretty disturbing!

Ruri: Eh, actually, with a strong enough distortion field even you little bastards could survive a jump. (Damn, maybe I shouldn't have told them that… it would have been a good way to make it look like an accident.)

Haley: Well whaddya know, there's a bunch of hidden data! And it's all about human boson jumping experiments! What do you suppose this means?

Saburota: It probably means that this little lull in the dizzying pace of the plot is just about…


Saburota: ...over.

On to the Nadesico Movie: Part Two