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THREE WEEKS AFTER X5
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Alia: Wait a minute. Didn't we have a time skip of three years, not three weeks?
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X: I'm not sure. Which X5 ending are we using here, anyway? I've got Zero's sword, but the Eurasia colony still hit the Earth.
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Signas: No time to worry about that. Earth is trashed and we have to start cleaning it up or it'll never be inhabitable again.
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Captain Planet: ……shyeah, I think I'm gonna sit this one out.
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X: Lazy bastard. All right, and the brilliant idea to accomplish this is…?
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Signas: I don't know, they don't pay me to figure that out.
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X: Well, who DO they pay?
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Signas: How about that guy sifting through the Eurasia wreckage over there? He looks smart.
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Gate: Hmm? What's this innocent looking thingamajabber here?
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Zero's DNA: Nothing here but us insanely powerful robot parts.
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Gate: Oh well, finders keepers.
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*ONE WEEK LATER*
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Gate: I'm going mad and it is so… liberating!
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The Thumbnail Theater Author: Whoa… that quote was actually semi-cool.
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Gate: Soon, the world shall be mine! All right, Reploids… prepare to be SERV'D!!!
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Doppler: It's been done.
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Zero's voice: X… X… X!!!!
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X: Who is this "Ecksu" of which you speak?
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Zero's voice: It's not my fault they kept the Japanese voices in this game. Now get up and save the planet, moron. There is no one else is left to fight.
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X: …did you graduate grammar school?
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Zero's voice: I didn't set the translation budget! Now MOVE IT!
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Alia: Wake up, time to die! Repeatedly! And then use a SHITLOAD of continues!
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X: Gee, the best part of waking up is Mavericks in my cup… not.
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Alia: We've got Mavericks in the Eurasia crash site, so go try not to die too many times!
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X: Puh, I'm starting with an armor set and it's an opening stage to an X game. What have I got to worry about? *ASPLODES*
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X: Wha… I died in an opening stage? This is a rather disturbing development…
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X: Uh, wha… a first stage boss that's actually somewhat difficult? This is getting pretty fucked up right here-
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Nightmare Zero: Boo. *disappears*
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X: …okay, now this cannot possibly get any more ridiculous.
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High Max: Then met me, you have not…
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X: WTF?! A Yoda-talking freak who looks like something out of a bad episode of Getter Robo? Now this is just plain-
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High Max: Shut up and die, you should.
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X: O-kay, it's only the first stage and I'm stuck fighting a guy who's completely invincible to my attacks. Real funny Capcom, now show me the real game-
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CAPCOM: This *IS* the real game.
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X: ………crap.
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Isoc: Attention Reploids of Earth, I am here to provide some semblance of an explanation of what is going on. Ahem: Zero Nightmare! Earth Crisis! Nightmare Investigators! High Max! Trust us and everything will be just fine!
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X: WTF? Some old poser shows up and starts talking smack about Zero and we're supposed to just sit there and take it?
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Alia: STFU n00b, if we don't have a plot no one will take us seriously.
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X: …I'm not a n00b… anyway… what's up with these investigators?
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Alia: Well, I'm completely useless in this game because I can't see shit thanks to the Nightmare's jamming, but… you're probably supposed to kill them.
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X: Sounds like a plan! *blows lots of shit up and rescues Reploids because you GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL, at least if you want parts*
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Nightmare Zero: Boo.
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X: You…
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Nightmare Zero: Yes. Me, me, me-AWRK! *dies*
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Real Zero: Me too.
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X: HOLY FUCKING NERDBURGERS WITH EXTRA YAOI SAUCE AND A SIDE OF WELL SLAP MY ASS AND CALL ME CHARLIE ZERO IS ALIVE! I HAVE OFFICIALLY SOILED MY LITTLE BLUE ROBO UNDERPANTS WITH HAPPINESS!
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Zero: I've got to say, X, your enthusiasm is matched only by your utter incompetence. I mean, you couldn't even figure out that "Revived Hunter" they were talking about in the instruction book was me.
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X: But… but Sigma was all KA-BLAM! Shot through the heart, and he's to blame, and all!
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Zero: Yeah, well, here's my explanation, pulled straight out of Capcom's ass: "I hid myself while I tried to repair myself."
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Thousands of video gamers: Oh yeah, sure, he really crawled away with one arm and no legs and a hole through his chest and rebuilt himself from scratch. In three weeks. In total secret, because he would totally be better off that way without anyone to help him or any parts to rebuild himself. Yep. Uh huh…
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Thousands of rabid fangirls: Do not underestimate the power of kawaii bishounen robot heroes! kthx lets go back to shounenai.com now and start another 4000 post X x Zero thread =^_^_^=^.^^^^^___^;;;;;
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Zero: Anyway, I'm not surprised you bought that one hook line and sinker, X.
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X: They don't pay me to think, Zero. They pay me to blow stuff up.
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Zero: Sounds like fun. Mind if I tag along?
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X: Yes. We will join hands… and never let anyone sever us again!
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Slashfic authors: SQUEEEEEAAALLLL!!!!
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Zero: X, if I wasn't so caught up in the moment I swear I would have caved your head in for saying that.
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Signas: There's some Mavericks-I mean, Nightmare Investigators who could use a thrashing a bit more than X could. Besides, that would just encourage the S&M; lemons, and we wouldn't want THAT, now would we?
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Zero: Ugh, I guess you're right. X, back to kicking ass.
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X: Who's the main character here? Oh, hi, Dad.
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Dr. Light's Ghost: X… hell, I'll just give it to you straight. These armors I'm giving you this time are useless for basically anything but collecting shit.
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X: Wha… what's the damn point, then?
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Dr. Light's Ghost: Because I've got a cosplay fetish and one makes you look like a samurai and the other makes you look like a ninja.
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X: …you suck, Dad.
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Dr. Light's Ghost: Cheer up, emo Reploid.
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Isoc: I think they're onto us. Why don't we just have High Max PWN everybody?
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Gate: Are you kidding? X couldn't even figure out Zero was alive, he'll never be able to deduce that I'm actually the one behind the Nightmares in a sophisticated bait and switch to make all the Reploids worship me for saving them. Now let me spout some more cryptic plot points-
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Thousands of video gamers: Screw this, get back to the damn game!
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Gate: Stupid text skip function.
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X: Zero… what is up with these Maverick names? They're even more messed up than the X5 ones.
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Zero: They're the original Japanese names, duh. Everyone bitched so much about the Guns 'N Roses names that they just left them this time.
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X: But… what the hell's a "Heatnix"? Or a "Mijinion"? Or a "Scaravich"? And is a "Shark Player" the one in charge of the "Shark Hoes" or something?
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Zero: X, don't hate tha Shark Playa, hate tha game. Look at what we've done to all those people over there. *points*
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Thousands of video gamers: AARRRGGHHHH REGENERATING MANTISES FKJLHDLJGH TOTEM POLE AW3QUORPNXC AVALANCHE LASGLJHGL ACID RAIN ANVMNZXLHK LASERS IAULKROIXC RED DONUT ROBOTS FROM HELL!!! ADLNHJJKL CRUSHER CEILING NMZXCV BACKGROUND POTSHOT ROBOT FJKSHDLKJHA SPIKES GRAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!
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X: Well, this gameplay is pretty cheap and annoying. At least there aren't any obnoxious recurring bosses, like-
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Dynamo: Miss me?
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X: Nobody ever said you made sense, Dynamo, but why the hell are you in this game?
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Dynamo: To be a patsy you can earn easy Nightmare Souls from and increase your ranking, duh. *runs away like a pussy REPEATEDLY*
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Zero: …actually, "Shark Hoes" sounds like a pretty good idea.
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Gate: Hey guys, smashing job killing all my creations, now why don't you come check out my hidden impenetrable fortress of DOOM!
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X: Give me a break, there's no such thing as an impenetrable fortress in video games.
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Ridiculously Tall Wall Of Spikes: WANNA BET, BITCH? |
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X: Well I'll be damned. After 13 games of Wily and Sigma screwing up, someone made a fortress that actually is impenetrable.
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Dr. Light's Ghost: Pst! Ninjas can get past anything!
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X: I really hate you, Dad. *equips Shadow Armor and gets past the wall of spikes*
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High Max: Looks like a giant wingnut, my head does…
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Zero: So why are you called High Max? What happened to Low and Medium Max?
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High Max: Annoying. Die.
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Zero: NO U *kills High Max*
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Gate: Wa ha ha ha ha! Welcome! This is… a DOOM HOUSE!
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Alia: Gate, remember when we used to work together and you built all those psycho Reploids and I told you you sucked?
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Gate: Yeah?
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Alia: Well, after careful reflection, I have decided I need to tell you… you still suck.
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Gate: And yet I am the one who is invincible to all of X and Zero's attacks and has even badder-ass theme music than Dynamo.
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X: However, you're vulnerable to your OWN attacks, which just makes you the Aganhim of the Mega Man series. Oh, and your cape looks really faggy.
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Gate: Coming from you, that hurts. I think I'll bring Sigma back from the dead again for no particular reason. *dies*
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Sigma: I nEeD TP F0r mY bUngHO1E!!!! LOLLERSKATES!!!
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Zero: Wow, Sigma, you look kinda… pathetic. |
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Sigma: j00 n00bz |2 7eH sUxX0r!!1 ROFLCOPTER I wIlL pwN u|2 @$$ LMAO LMAO HOT POCKETS.
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X: Whatever happened to Isoc? |
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Isoc: I'm dead. *is dead*
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Sigma: p|23pA|23 4 ur P\/\/|\|A63 ROFLROFLROFL HANDI SNACKS!!!111 |
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X and Zero: STFU n00b. *kill Sigma*
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Sigma: XXX!!! JUSDIE, X! ZELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOO! |
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X: Zero, it's getting harder and harder to tell if these are mistranslations or just Tourette's Syndrome getting the better of him.
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Zero: I agree. Let's put an end to this crap. |
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Sigma: CAPS LOCK IS LIKE CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL! *dies*
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*At this point one of two things happens depending on whoever you were playing as, because Capcom likes to fuck with the timelines of their series. If you were playing as Zero…* |
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Zero: I know I just got back in the series, but I'm already sick of this crap again. Time for a nice, long 108-year nap for me, so I can wake up and finally attain my destiny of being a main character in my own series after X took this one from me at the last minute. With any luck my games won't be as difficult as this steaming pile.
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CAPCOM: Wanna bet? |
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*If you were playing as X…*
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X: Hey Alia, we're back! And I brought you a present! |
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Alia: For me, X? You shouldn't have!
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X: Aw, it's nothing. Check it out! *holds up Gate's corpse* |
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Alia: …oh gee, X… that's so… er, sweet…
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Douglas: Damn! How'd X get to be such a smooth operator? |
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Zero: *slaps forehead* Anyway, we saved the world from Gate, but it's still basically an uninhabitable shithole.
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Signas: Well, it's a moral victory, isn't it? |
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Zero: Considering all we did was beat up a misunderstood guy who'd been mistreated and ostracized by the Reploid community, yeah.
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Signas: Cheer up, emo Reploid. Ahem… |
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X, Zero, Signas, Alia and Douglas: We're the Planeteers, you can be one too/
'Cause saving our planet is the thing to do/
Looting and polluting is not the way/
Hear what Captain Planet has to say!
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Captain Planet: The power is yours! |
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Thousands of video gamers: Yeah, it sure is. *turn their Playstations off and toss the game CDs in the back of the closet*
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On to the Megaman X7 Thumbnail Theater
Home
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