Cannon fodder Reploid 1: So what have you got in this suitcase?

Cannon fodder Reploid 2: Well, it's a-

Red: Axl, hurry up and kill them before we can be subjected to any stupid Pulp Fiction references.

Axl::Yessir, Mr. Red, sir! Hay there guys, I guess you've heard aboot… RED ALERT?


Signas: Oh great, not only do we have Mavericks still running around, and our planet is still fucked up too, I might mention, but now these other guys seem to think they have a right to go around just wantonly killing Reploids like we do on a regular basis! X, Zero, go stop them!

X: No.

Signas: Duh, buh, what?

X: Look man, I won't be an instrument of destruction any more! I'm putting a flower in my X-Buster barrel and leaving to go build homeless shelters and save the whales and stuff. I've tuned in, I've turned on, and now I'm dropping out!

Signas: Alia, has X been greasing his hair with battery acid again?

Alia: No, actually I think he got into the X6 design team's "electric Kool-Aid" this time.

X: All I am saying, is give peace a chaannnnce…

Zero: I cannot believe I sacrificed myself--twice--to save his pussy ass. I'll go kick everyone's ass myself.

Axl: Except I'm the one who actually starts the game.
It's easier to run, replacing this pain with something more/
It's so much easier to go, than face all this pain here all alone…

Zero: What the-oh great, they threw me back into a blatant clone of X1's first stage. Oh, and a compactor. Yes, we can't go without one of THOSE in these games, can we?

Axl: Wowie, it's Mr. Zero! Can I have your autograph, Mr. Zero, sir? After we finish whacking this big ugly scorpion, I mean.

Zero: Slow your roll, kid, you're under arrest for illegal ass-kicking. Book 'im, X-o.

Signas: All right, Zero, who was behind all this ruckus?

Zero: : I've got him right here, sir… apparently he's the result of a top secret program to clone Ash Ketchum.

Axl: Holy shnickies! That voice, that awful, stilted monotonous delivery… Alucard?!

Alucard, uh, I mean Signas: WHAT?! …rats, busted.

X: You're a horrible, horrible person, kid! It's all your fault that those robots that were sent to kill you wound up destroying most of that city instead! Why couldn't you have done the responsible thing and just gotten yourself killed?

Axl: Holy crap, eh. I left Red Alert because they were jerkwads, and now the Maverick Hunters turn out to be jerkwads too. Or at least, one of them.

Signas: X, shut up and go listen to your Weezer albums. Now then, Axl, why did you run away from Red Alert?

Axl: Because they suck!

Signas: Yes, they do. Now that you mention it, this provides a convenient reason to bump those guys off.

X: No! We shouldn't be fighting at all!

Axl: Oh, gawd. Mr. X, you suck.

Red: Hay guyz, what's goin on in this HQ?

Alia: Red alert, guys, it's Red Alert!

Kevin Eubanks: Aaaaaaah ha ha ha! *vacant smile*

The Author: Please don't kill me, Revokov.

Red: Anyway, I'm Red. I'm very charismatic, which should be obvious considering I'm the only character so far with a competent voice actor. We want Axl back, but since he's a punk and won't come back on his own, I think we should have a Maverick-killing contest and have Axl be the prize. Sit tight Axl, I'm coming for you! *wink*

Zero: Ugh, and here I was thinking we'd finally gotten away from the homoerotic innuendo that's permeated this series since X5.

X: Why can't we all just get along?

Red: Geez, when they said you turned into a wuss after retiring, they weren't kidding. So like, it's on!

X: Waaaaaah! He just called me a wuss!

Zero: Cheer up, emo Reploid. Anyway, I'm sick of standing around and listening to X whine, and I'm also sick of this kid's outraaaaaaaaaaaageous Canadian accent, so I'll let you two bitch at each other while I go kick ass on my own.

Axl: Hey Mr. X, if I go beat all dem Red Alert hosers will ya let me be a Maverick Hunter? Huh will ya will ya will ya huh huh HUH?

X: As if it's that easy, Scarface. I tell you, kids these days… no respect for their elders.

Axl: Geez, X seems so cranky, Mr. Zero. I wonder what he's so uptight aboot.

Zero: Urge to kill, rising…

Signas: Knock it off Zero, you shouldn't be griping about other characters' voices when you sound like a grandfather yourself. So, like, let slip the dogs of war!

X: If you need me, I'll be in the bathroom with a straight razor.

Alia: Remember, X, it's "down the road", not "across the street"!

Zero: Okay… what the… this is starting to piss me off.

Axl: What's wrong?

Zero: This 3D crap is making it practically impossible for me to hit enemies without running into them. Also they drop like no recovery items. Also they nerfed my saber big time. Also you sound like an extra from Fargo.

Axl: Doon't be silly, Mr. Zero, sir, this game was dubbed in Vancouver!

Zero: Canucks… I'm surrounded by Canucks…

Axl: You betcha!

Zero: *sigh* And it's becoming evident the boss music peaked with X5. And these boss fights are ridiculously cheap-we get beaned from offscreen and they won't stay still long enough to hit them.

Axl: Don't worry, Mr. Zero, I have a super-secret weapon that will even the odds!

Zero: What are you gonna do, hit them with your hockey pucks?

Axl: Nah, just copy random enemies' abilities. And make myself look and sound exactly like them, and stuff.

Zero: So, like, how'd you learn how to do that?

Axl: Dunno. I just sorta did.

Zero: Oh for crying out-it's bad enough that X and I don't understand our abilities. You can freaking transform into anything you want and you don't know how you do it?

Axl: Hey, I just did what I was told. At least until Red Alert suddenly turned into serious nutcases and used me to gather up lots of DNA

Zero: Damn. Usually when there's an innocent victim in anime who's the linchpin of some bad guys' evil plan for world domination, it's a cute girl. Me, I get Canadian Bacon here.

Alia: Boy, Zero and Axl sure are doing a good job saving all these Reploids, considering said Reploids are given to dying cheaply in one hit.

Signas: Yeah, but their power isn't enough. There must be someone else who can help…

X: ...

ALia: But who could that someone else be? It would have to be someone with great power…

X: ...

Zero: Hey X, check out what we found while we were out blowing stuff up.

X: ?! That's…

X's Spine: Hey there, buddy, missed me? *waves*

X: Gadzooks! All right, all right, all right, I'm ready to fight now. My pity party was getting boring anyway, Mr. Snuggles decided he didn't like my tea…

Zero: …okay, then, you can come along, but only if you promise to stop yelling "Stop it!" when you shoot a charged shot.

X: Dad, I feel like such a tool right now. You keep making these cryptic comments that get more and more relevant and self-aware with each game despite your being long dead, so if you have any good advice in this situation, I could use it.

Dr. Light's Ghost: Here X, have a new set of armor that just rehashes some shit from X2 and 3. I sure hope the world is never in such a shitty state that you'd need to use it… because I sure wouldn't know what to do in that situation, ha ha!


Zero: Hey, at least they didn't make you collect all four pieces before you could use the upgrades this time.

Axl: Y'knoow… there's something funny about making me gather all that DNA daytah… you see, noobuddy in Red Alert knoows how to refine it.

Zero: You mean to suggest that someone else has been increasing their powers? Who on earth could that be?

Axl: I doon't know, but I bet this flashback does.


Sigma: Sup d00d.

Red: Eh? Who the hell-er, I mean, heck-are you?

Sigma: Eh, nobody who's already tried to take over the world six times or anything. Let's just say I'm…

Red: Wait, wait, I remember this part. You're "one of my fans" and your codename is "Deep Throat", right?

Sigma: No, actually right now I'm "???". So, like, check this shizzle: I can use DNA data to make you more powerful! All you've got to do is get Axl back so I can get the goods from him.

Red: No way, buddy. I've been to DNAholics Anonymous and I know when to say when!

Sigma: Oh darn, I guess that means I'll have to abandon my latest scheme. Not. Okay pal, see how I turned all your buddies into Maverick psychos? Get Axl back now or they stay like this forever.

Red: Well it's not like I have any reason to trust you, but why not.


Alia: So, like, I totally found Red Alert's base.

X: And it took you exactly enough time to find it for us to whack all eight Mavericks first, setting aside the fact that Axl just RAN AWAY FROM THERE and therefore we should have already known its location. Okay, at this point I can deal with that.

Signas: Then I'm sure you'll be happy to know that you can't just beam in there. You have to walk up Palace Road first.

X: That's annoying, but I can deal with it.

CAPCOM: Okay, well, how about the fact that you're going to be chased up the road by an invincible death robot in a gameplay technique that should have been abandoned after the Lion King game. And if you die at any point you have to do the whole stage over again.

Thousands of video gamers: Capcom, you SUCK-

X: You better dash all day and run all night/

Axl: And keep your dirty emo whining deep inside/

Zero: And if you're taking your Navigator out tonight/

X: You better park the Ride Chaser well out of sight/

Axl: 'cause if you get caught between the Moleborer and the pavement rocks/

X: They're gonna send you back to Signas in a cardboard box/

CAPCOM: You better run!

Thousands of video gamers: Enough of that. Jeebus.

Red: I say, Axl old chap, or should I say young chap, mighty fine of you to join me here in my festive chamber of dank rock columns suspended over cheap bottomless pits

Axl: Well shucks, it's Mr. Red, sir! Right fine of you to welcome us!

Red: Let's engage in some friendly banter, shall we? Ha ha ha!

Axl: Good show, old boy! Ha ha ha!

Red: Right! Ha ha ha! Now die.

X, Zero and Axl: NO U

Red: Darn. Hey Axl, guess what? I just set this place to self destruct. Isn't that a kicker?

Axl: Noooooooooooo, Red! Yoou're comin' wit' us, don'tcha know?

Red: Nah, I think I'll just die even though I'm not that badly damaged or anything.

Axl: But couldn't we just pick you up and carry you?

Zero: No, that would make sense. Geez, kid, don't you get it by now? What do you think, X?

X: Well, I said I didn't want anyone else to die, even enemies, but eh, let's leave him.


Zero: Hey, uh, question. He said it would self destruct, right? But nothing's blown up at all.

X: Let's just say Capcom are cheap asses and get this mindless violence over with.

Axl: Whoa! The "fight the bosses again" chamber is like, all spooky! There's graves next to the transporters and a big strand of DNA floating in the background! Is this some kind of twisted symbolism?

CAPCOM: No, it's just a cheap reminder that you should go buy Darkst- oh, who are we kidding? We haven't made a Darkstalkers game in YEARS.

Thousands of perverted Morrigan/Lilith/Felicia fanboys: Capcom, you SUCK!

Zero: Back on subject, dammit!

Axl: So, like, we found you, Mr. Professor sir!

Sigma: Professor? Yeah, I guess you could call me… Professor PAIN!!!

Zero: Hey, since the right joystick doesn't do anything in this game, maybe they could set it to make plane crashing sound effects for Sigma's lame one-liners.

Sigma: Shaddup! Now come here, X and Zero, I'm gonna make you MINE!!! And then I'll DO IT… again and AGAIN!!!

X: ...

Zero: ...

Axl: …did he just say what I think he said?

Thousands of rabid fangirls: Oh god, that was wrong. We got wet from it anyway because we're sick fucks, but that was STILL wrong.

Zero: X, I know you hate violence, but if Sigma doesn't die within the next five minutes I'm going to start randomly castrating everyone in this room with my saber so I don't have to deal with any more homoerotic innuendo.

X: For once I share your sentiment. plzdiekthx.

Sigma: Very well, then! We shall fight on this elevator which is going down.

Zero: Argh! Sigma is shooting guns at us inside this elevator which is going down!

X: Not to mention he can fly into the background and take potshots at us while we must stand on this elevator which is going down!

Axl: Fortunately we are essentially invulnerable when we stand on the middle platform inside this elevator which is going DOWN!

Sigma: Blast! I have lost the battle inside this elevator which is going DOWN!

X: Whoa-the final fight's in outer space this time? Not like we haven't had a fight in space before, but this is like, IN SPACE, in space.

Axl: Wait. The elevator was going DOWN. How did we get up he-

Zero: No. Just… don't ask. It will only bring you pain. Look, here comes the requisite ginormous final form.

Sigma: Ha! I will hover out of range and launch homing shots! And then I will shoot fire and punch really fast and swing a laser from my crotch! Consider yourselves BURNINATED!

X: Except there's a spot where we can stand and be essentially invincible to your attacks while we cheaply whittle down your health.

Sigma: Buzz Lightyear to Star Command! Come in Star Command! Mayday- *BIG ASPLOSION*

Zero: Okay, so we went from an elevator going DOWN to outer space to back where we started. What the fu-

Axl: Maybe we should run away first and be confused later?

Sigma: Did you really think something minor like getting shot out of the sky was going to stop me? Take a seat, kid. Now, I shall taunt X and Zero a second time-

Red: Why taunt when you can kick their asses?

X: Zero, I think I just soiled myself.

Zero: This is no time to panic.

X: This is the perfect time to panic!!!

Sigma: Oh yeah Red, come to daddy for some hot tentacle action-

Thousands of video gamers: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW.

Red: Except… no. *shoots Sigma right in the face*

Sigma: Noo, my valuable face! *flies out the window and dies*

Spike: Poser.

Zero: Well I'll be danged. Axl used his copy power to turn into Red and trick Sigma.

Axl: Ha ha, I just totally PWN3D the most powerful villain ever right in front of your face, X.

X: Watch me not care. You still suck.

Axl: Awwwwww, but Mr. X, sir! It's not like I'm doing anything you haven't!

X: But that's the point! I suck!

Axl: Now I'm all confused. He doesn't want to be a Hunter but he won't let me do his job?

Signas: The emo are a true mystery indeed.

Axl: I'm thinking less "emo" and more "drama queen".

Zero: Meanwhile, I'll just go back to having disturbing dreams about X killing me. I thought we were through with this crap…

Keiji Imafune: Shut up Zero. If I'd had my way you would have stayed dead after X5. You *do* want your own series at some point, right?

Zero: …dammit.

Signas: X, would you quit being a whiny bitch and let Axl be a Hunter? Even my monumental patience is being tried here, considering I outrank you and could theoretically just tell you to sit your bitch ass down, shut up and eat tacos or something.

Alia: Yeah. He screws up and has an annoying voice, but Axl's kinda useful.


Thousands of video gamers: Who cares? *turn their PS2s off and toss the game in the closet next to X6*