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Zero: I don't think I'm liking the opening music being a remix of my death scene music from the first game.
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CAPCOM: In the year 21XX… MEGA MAN X EPISODE 5
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Sigma: That was a little more pretentious than usual.
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Dynamo: I'll fit right in for this game, then. Hey Mr. Sigma, I just finished busting up this orbiting colony. Can I go back to humping your leg now? I'll do anything for you, anything!!!
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Sigma: …
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Slashfic authors: …ew. Even we're not going to touch that one.
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Sigma: For a background-less dweeb with a sissy hairdo, you're pretty useful… but I'm thinking your dialogue is just a little too "homo-robotic." Stay put on the colony while I lure X and Zero into a trap.
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Alia: Sigma has returned again despite nobody being around to rebuild him! X, Zero, go stop him!
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X: And you are…?
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Alia: I'm your extremely pink female Navigator that Capcom just pulled out of their ass. I'll be interrupting your gameplay with annoying tips that don't tell you anything that isn't glaringly obvious!
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X: I made it through four games without someone holding my hand, what kind of candy ass do they take me for?
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Alia: Hey X, the road is all busted up so watch your step! Also, don't get hit by the Mavericks, and you might not want to let that falling ceiling drop on you and hey, falling down a bottomless pit is no good either!
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X: I wonder if Capcom has noticed that the "interactivity" of the gameplay in these games is directly proportional to the "suck" factor or not.
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Alia: X, don't get smashed by the security walls! And don't pretend it's no problem, I have a ZSNES video of how many times you died in the first X-Hunter stage back in X2!
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Eazy E: Bitch, shut the fuck up! Get the fuck outta here!
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Zero: Ow, ow, ow. Crap.
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X: Hi there Zero. Need a hand?
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Zero: X, every one of those puns only further strengthens my resolve to hurt you badly by the end of the game.
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X: Zero… why did the taxis have circular saws mounted to their front ends?
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Zero: You can worry about that if we survive this enormous Sigma head attacking us.
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Sigma: What does everybody want? HEAD!!! *vomits enormous death laser*
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Zero: Might want to duck, X.
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X: Egads! What has happened to my legs? I-I can bend them! Zero, we have knees now! My God, man! *ducks and KICKS SOME ASS*
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Sigma: I meant to do that. See, Blockbuster had a 2-for-1 this weekend and I picked up "Outbreak" and "Deep Impact". *KABOOM*
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Alia: X! Zero! We've got planet-wide contamination of the Sigma virus! Return to base now so we can introduce the rest of the secondary cast!
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Signas: I'm the commander. I have nothing to do with the actual game at all, but I'll at least put up a façade of being in charge.
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Douglas: I'm the mechanic. I help you guys equip parts, thereby making you less pansy.
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Lifesaver: Do you know what the best thing about being me is? There's so many of me.
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Signas: Anyway, we've got a big problem: There's a big ol' space colony called Eurasia about to drop out of the sky and get all extinction-level-event on us. We've got 16 hours before it hits.
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Thousands of video gamers: Oh, that's not so bad! So much for freaking out about playing on a time limit!
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Signas: By the way, an hour passes whenever you enter or exit a stage.
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Thousands of video gamers: OH, SHI-
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Douglas: What we need is to shoot Eurasia out of the sky, but the only thing we've got is this old Enigma cannon, and it's in a state of disrepair and even more useless than Alia's advice.
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Alia: HEY!
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George W. Bush: This lack of preparedness for a space colony falling out of the sky onto the planet tragically illustrates the need to blow more enormous wads of money on an unreliable space-based defense system.
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Zero: We tried that one already, Dubya, it was called Final Weapon and it didn't work out very well.
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Signas: All right then. X, Zero, this time there's a method to killing Mavericks: They have parts for the Enigma! Hop to it!
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Zero: Wha… what is with these Maverick names? I know Capcom are Guns 'N Roses fans, but these don't even make any sense! What the hell IS a "Skiver", anyway?
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CAPCOM: All right, that tears it. One way or another, Zero… *makes throat slashing gesture*
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X: Boy, these Guns 'N Roses Mavericks sure seem to hate us a lot.
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Zero: Just like all the others…
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X: No, I mean they're questioning our methods and loyalties. It's kinda disturbing.
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Zero: Yeah, whatever. It's trendier to be an emo anti-hero than a good guy right now, anyway.
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Dr. Light's Ghost: Hi there X, I've decided to get vindictive and force you to collect all four pieces of an armor before you can use it. One of the armors, by the way, is completely useless except for using it to reach heart tanks.
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X: Dad, you suck.
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*After four very cranky rock star Mavericks…*
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Douglas: Well, that's everything. How about we fire the Enigma?
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Dynamo: How about you don't? Hey X, Zero, let's fight!
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Signas: Who the hell are you?
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Dynamo: I'm a wussy poser without a background, a motivation or a clue. But I've got a big mouth and a cool musical theme, and that's all I need. I challenge yew… to a DUEL!
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X and Zero: K. *asskick*
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Dynamo: Okay, maybe that wasn't such a smart idea. Ninja vanish! *runs away like a pussy*
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X: He's even more annoying than Vile, though not as tenacious.
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Signas: …o-kay… anyway, fire that shit, Alia! BLASTOFF!!!!!!!!
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X: "Blastoff"?
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Zero: "Blastoff"?!
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Alia and Douglas: "BLASTOFF"?!
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Thousands of video gamers: WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF DUMBASS SAYS "BLASTOFF" INSTEAD OF "FIRE"???!?!?!?!
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Enigma: *KOFF*
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Douglas: It worked!
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Alia: No it didn't.
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Signas: Is it because I said "Blastoff"?
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Alia: No, it's because we have a moody game CD that just randomly picks an outcome no matter how many parts we got.
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Douglas: Right then, plan B! We launch a shuttle into space and kamikaze it right into the colony! Just one problem: The autopilot's toast, so we have to fly it manually.
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Zero: By the way, the Sigma virus seems to be making me stronger. X… do you ever get a feeling of impending doom?
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X: We're ALL doomed if we don't collect those shuttle parts conveniently held by the last four Mavericks.
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*Four Mavericks later*
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Douglas: Okay, the shuttle's ready to go. We just need to find a pilot.
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Signas: Not to worry, I've got the perfect guy for the job.
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Fooby The Kamikaze Watermelon: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE *splurt*
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Signas: Never mind, I guess he's out of commission. Zero, you fly the shuttle.
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Zero: I hope this thing's been checked out for falling foam chunks.
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Alia: Somehow, I don't think that's going to be an issue.
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X: Zero! Don't die! Don't die, Zero!
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Shuttle: *KA-BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE*
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Alia: Well, how about that. Looks like Zero died.
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X: Zero? ZERO?! ZEEEEEROOOOOOO?!?!?!
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Maverick Zero: Total slaughter, total slaughter/
I won't leave a single man alive/
La dee da dee die, genocide/
La dee da dee dud, an ocean of blood/
Let's begin… the killing time…
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X: Um… yipe?
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The Thumbnail Theater Author: Screw that, I'm not getting the bad ending. *resets repeatedly*
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Douglas: Aim a little more carefully this time, Zero!
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Eurasia: *KA-BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*
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Zero: Whoo, that'll clear your sinuses. |
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X: Zero's okay! I think I just wet myself with joy!
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Lifesaver: Can a robot do that?
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Alia: Hang on a minute, we've got a new virus now. I think we'll call it… the Zero virus!
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Zero: WTF? You named the virus after me?
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X: Now let's not get bent out of shape, Zero, it's not like they're accusing you of being a threat or anything-
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Lifesaver: Actually, we are.
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Zero: Screw this X, let's go investigate this virus-
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CAPCOM: And walk STRAIGHT into some tripped out psychedelic background area littered with annoying retreads of obstacles from past Megaman games, including the ever popular… INSTANT DEATH LASERS FROM QUICKMAN'S STAGE!!! Now with vertical action!
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Thousands of video gamers: We hated these things in 1988, and we hate them now. Capcom, you SUCK!
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X: This feels like Tron.
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Sigma: I want him in the game until he dies playing.
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CAPCOM: That can easily be arranged, for now the boss will be… that damn goopy rock-monster-devil thing you've already run into in four other Megaman games! Now with movable eye, migraine-inducing shrill remixed Megaman 1 music and enormous green outline that causes obscene damage when you touch it just to piss you off!
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Thousands of video gamers: We hated it in Megaman 1, we hated it in Megaman 3, we hated it in Megaman 8, we hated it in Megaman & Bass and we hate it now. KNOCK IT OFF, CAPCOM!!!
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CAPCOM: And now it's on to another trippy stage with an obscene amount of ridiculously powerful mech enemies leading up to… RANGDA BANGDA! Now with twice as many instant kill spikes!
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Thousands of video gamers: DAMMIT, CAPCOM-
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X: Ugh, enough of this BS. Can I have a stage that doesn't rely on "nostalgic" retreads of everything we hate about old Megaman games? |
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Zero: A relatively flat level sparsely populated with easy enemies and a few jumps. There's gotta be a catch.
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Dr. Light's Ghost: Hey there Zero. We haven't really established how I can be talking to you considering I've been dead for decades and don't even know you, but if you're interested I can enhance your abilities. |
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Zero: Screw that. I don't need any enhancements.
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Dr. Light's Ghost: C'mon, you know you want to. Look at that pretty Ultimate Armor I just gave X as a present for not losing his armor for once. |
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Zero: …………………………………………dammit. *gets the enhancements*
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X: Zero, where'd you go? …oh, there you are. …Why is that gigantic "W" flashing in the background? Is there some kind of symbolism I'm missing here? |
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Zero: X, I don't want to fight you.
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X: I don't want to fight you either. So now that we've agreed that we don't want to fight, let's fight. |
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Zero: …what?
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X: I don't get it either. Have at you! |
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CAPCOM: AND THUS, TWO KINDRED SPIRITS HAVE THEIR TRUE FRIENDSHIP TORN ASUNDER BY THE CHAINS OF FATE! A DUEL FOR THE FUTURE OF THE WORLD! PATHOS! PATHOS!!!
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CLAMP: Posers. |
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CAPCOM: WHO WILL WIN THIS TITANIC, EPIC SHOWDOWN?
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(15 seconds later…) |
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X and Zero: Whichever one of us is playable, of course. Although no one would call this a "victory". *splat*
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Sigma: ZZZZZZZZ-oh, I'm in the game again! Ahem… DIE! |
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Zero: Maverick, please.
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Alia: Sigma is back yet again, so I won't stop you guys from going to kill him. |
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X and Zero: Wha… you mean you tried to stop us before?
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Sigma: Ahoy mates, Capcom has run out of American pop culture characters for me to rip my attacks off from, so I'll just spam overpowered blue energy waves and attempt to sicken you with my preposterously tight rubber leotard. |
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X: You're sickening enough as it is. *kills Sigma*
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Sigma: Capcom has rediscovered their roots! And in honor of all the "nostalgia" in this game, prepare for the most insanely cheap, cheesy last boss since Mega Man 7! *spams CRUSHING CLAWS and HOMING BALLS and PALM LASERS and UNAVOIDABLE ELECTRICITY and PURPLE BLOCKS FROM HELL WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO US CAPCOM* |
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CAPCOM: Because we hate you. Buy Devil May Cry 3.
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X: Crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrap
crapcrapCRAPCRAPCRAPCRAPCRAPCRAPCRAPCRAPCRAP-*barely wins* |
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Sigma: Foiled by sub tanks again. Okay… well… I'MGONNAKILLZEROANYWAYNEENERNEENERNEENER!!!! *BIG ASPLOSION*
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Zero: X… am I going to make it? Will I be okay? |
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X: Of course you will! I'm sure we'll find your lower torso lying around here somewhere!
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Sigma: Psyche. *PWNS X and Zero* |
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Zero: *kills Sigma* Man, I suck. *dies*
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*3 YEARS LATER* |
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Alia: Hey X, now that you're all hardcore, are you ready to kill some Mavericks again?
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X: I'll always be excited when I'm grasping Zero's sword in my hands! I'll do it with you again, today, Zero! |
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Alia: As if the "robo-erotic" crap between Dynamo and Sigma in the beginning wasn't gross enough. Sheesh.
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On to the Megaman X6 Thumbnail Theater
Home
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