IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT…

Sigma: Who in the blazes are you?

General: I'm the General of the Repliforce.

Sigma: Repliforce? What's that?

General: It's an all-Reploid army. See, somewhere along the line someone decided it would be a good idea to build an army of nothing but Reploids and use it for peacekeeping and stuff, even though we have, you know, a tendency to go Maverick and all that, because only geeks pay attention in history class.

Sigma: I like geeks.

General: Anyway, considering you are in MY house, I ought to be the one asking questions. What do you want?

Sigma: Let's hunt down the Maverick Hunters like the dogs they are!

General: No. Piss off.

Sigma: Fine, if you won't be a villain then I will. *raspberry*

X: Aw crap, a Maverick attack. Let's go, Zero… Zero?

Zero: *SNORE*

*BEGIN NOT SO CRYPTIC OR PARTICULARLY SUBTLE FLASHBACK*

Dr. Wily's Ghost: Dr. Cain never told you what happened to your father…

*END NOT SO CRYPTIC OR PARTICULARLY SUBTLE FLASHBACK*

Zero: The more plot they put in these games, the less I like it.

X: ZERO!

Zero: All right, keep your little blue underwear on.

Sky Lagoon: *KABOOM*

X: We weren't able to stop that floating apartment complex from falling and now a bunch of innocent people are dead! I'm useless! Do you hear me?! USELESS! I TRIED SO HARD AND GOT SO FAR, BUT IN THE END, IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER-

Zero: *PIMP SLAP* Pull yourself together and let's find some survivors.

Iris: Ohhh, my hair got mussed.

Zero: And you are…?

Iris: Your girlfriend, I think.

Zero: Riiiiiiight. Sorry it slipped my mind, I forgot Capcom pulled you out of their ass again. Ahem… Iris! Are you all right?

Iris: Yes, for now, but I probably won't be by the end of the game, given the track record minor characters have in this series. Now you might want to do something about that big-ass Maverick over there.

X: Luckily, this is an X game and all first-stage bosses are even bigger pussies than us. *KABLAM*

Colonel: Who's a pussy?

X: Hmm, a Repliforce officer shows up in the area the Maverick was in. Coincidence? I think not.

Colonel: You dare ask me to turn in my sword while I go with you to clear up a misunderstanding?! You insulted my honor! This means war!

Zero: Wow, Colonel, the stick up your ass must have a stick up its ass.

Colonel: I don't want to hear that from the guy who boffed my sister!

Zero: Point taken.

General: Attention all Repliforce members… we have been accused of being Mavericks. I have decided we will respond to this accusation calmly and rationally by starting a war for independence. Remember, this isn't about killing the humans, so, uh… please stop killing them? Hey guys, are you listening? Crap…

Colonel: We can't lose! We're the most powerful army IN HISTORY!!!!!!

Sigma: Pride goes before the fall, heh heh heh.

Double: Hello, X! I'm your new servant!

X: Okay, servant, my first order is for you to go on a diet.

Double: Hey now, being a big fatass just makes my inherent clumsiness that much more lovable! Also, I'm a totally nice guy who will definitely not betray you!

Admiral Ackbar: IT'S A TRAP!

Zero: What the… Iris, why did you tag along with me?

Iris: So I can make doe eyes at you and whimper and beg you not to fight.

Zero: If I did that, then we wouldn't have a game, now would we?

Iris: Well, no, but…

Zero: Kitchen. Beer me. Now.

Iris: *whimper*

*After wasting four assorted Repliforce officers and/or Mavericks…*

CAPCOM: And now, for a shake-up… we introduce the anticlimactic miniboss fight after FOUR bosses instead of TWO! This ain't your daddy's Megaman X!

Zero: Colonel!

Colonel: Watch as I act totally surprised to see you after I demanded that you meet me.

Zero: I shall lunge and flail wildly at you with my sword unless you stop the coop!

Colonel: I refuse on the grounds of your inability to pronounce "coup".

Zero: Then die! Or grit your teeth and growl like you're dropping a massive dump while you swing your sword at me!

Colonel: I think I will!

Iris: Brother, stop being such a wanker and leave Zero alone!

Colonel: Fine, but next time, there will be no mercy!

Iris: Zero, could you just act henpecked once in your life and not fight my brother-

Zero: Someone… must… stop… REPLIFORCE! And… hire… an… ACTING COACH! *clenches fist*

Dr. Light's Ghost: X, we have got to stop running into each other like this…

X: C'mon Dad, I promise not to lose this set of armor.

Dr. Light's Ghost: Don't give me that innocent look, I saw you punch in that controller code at the start of the game. Go ahead and take your damn Ultimate Armor.

Double: Hey, it looks like Repliforce are getting ready to go into space.

Zero: I'll put a stop to it!

Iris: No Zero, don't go!

X: ZOMG DRAMA!!!1

Zero: That's enough playing soldier, Colonel.

Colonel: I won't surrender, Zero! If I do then I won't be the Colonel any more and then I won't have a name at all! I'll fight you to the death!

Zero: That's unfortunate for you, considering you're an arrogant pussy who telegraphs all your laughably easy to avoid attacks.

Colonel: At least I've got a better voice actor! *dies*

Zero: Iris? Iris? Where'd you go? Crap… now I regret not writing down the number of that relationship counselor…

X: I'm going to space to stop the General! Double, you're in charge.

Double: Okay, Mr. X, sir! I think this'll be a great opportunity for me to KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL-

X: What were you saying, Double?

Double: Oh, nothing. *turns into JELLO MAN and slaughters a bunch of Maverick Hunters*

X: Golly gee, this is a big space station, Zero! What do you suppose it's for?

Zero: Well given that its name is "FINAL WEAPON", that isn't too hard to deduce. What I want to know, is what kind of cretin would build something like this in the first place?

Sigma: Tee hee.

Zero: What was that?

X: No idea. Let's wander into identical rooms and fight minor characters.

Zero: Sounds like a lark!

*And behind DOOR NUMBER ONE…*

X: Double? What are you doing here?

Double: Ha ha ha! You're gonna get hurt, X!

X: You're gonna get DEAD, Double!

Double:Yeah, well, uh… you suck! *dies*

*And behind DOOR NUMBER TWO…*

Zero: Iris? Crap, this cannot end well.

Iris: I heard you killed my brother, Zero. You know the doghouse? Move your pillow out there.

Zero: Hey, it's not like I wanted to kill him. Now, that time he walked in on us on your couch? That time, I wanted to. Now beer me.

Iris: I'll "beer" you, you Brother-Murderer! I am woman, hear me roar! *summons big ass unpleasant mech*

Zero: Die, killer jewelry. *slashes Iris's crystal*

Iris: Oh, Zero, you're… so hot when you're… killing me… *dies*

Zero: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WORTH FIGHTING FOR, OR WHY I HAVE TO SCREAM!
I DON'T KNOW WHY I INSTIGATE, AND SAY THINGS I DON'T MEAN!
I DON'T KNOW HOW I GOT THIS WAY, I KNOW IT'S NOT ALL RIGHT!
SO I'M BREEEEEEEAAAAAAAKING THE HAAAAAAAAAAABIIIIIIITTT, I'M-

Sigma: Don't feel down, Zero old chum. Old habits die hard, and I should know.

*BEGIN LOW-BUDGET FLASHBACK*

Zero: Random snarling! *messes a lot of shit up*

Sigma: Halt, Maverick!

Zero: Incoherent sounds of giddy homicidal rage! *pwns Sigma*

Sigma: *girly scream*

Crystal on Zero's forehead: *flashes a "W" HMMMM WHAT COULD THAT STAND FOR*

Zero: *girly scream*

Sigma: Um. Quick decision. *pwns Zero's forehead crystal*

Zero: Stop the world, I wanna get off… *shuts down*

*END LOW-BUDGET FLASHBACK*

Zero: Okay, so I used to be a Maverick. And your point is…?

Sigma: …um… yo' mama?

Zero: WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY MAMA?! I will KILL you, foo'!

Sigma: Do you even HAVE a mama?

Zero: DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!!!

*MEANWHILE…*

General: Ah, at last you've arrived, X.

X: …what the fuck? Whose genius idea was it to make this guy 100 feet tall? Does becoming a robot designer in this series require leaving a couple of brain lobes as a security deposit?

General: Neither of us wants to fight, X, so let's kill each other.

X: Gee, I'm glad we tried our best to work this out. *shoots General in the head*

Final Weapon: *ACTIVATES MWA HA HA HA HA*

General: I don't think it's supposed to do that.

X: To the rescue! Oh hey Zero.

Zero: Iris, noooo. Sob, sob, whine.

X: There there, Zero, I'm sure the slashfic authors will have you feeling better in no time after we've killed Sigma.

Zero: X, I swear I am going to hurt you badly in the next game.

X: How about you hurt Sigma badly instead?

Sigma: D0|\|'7 p|-|34|2 t3h r34p3|2, d00d!

X and Zero: We don't. *Rising Fire / Ryuenjin*

Dan Forden: TOASTY!!!

Sigma: ARE YOU READY FOR ROUND TWO? I've got EYE BEAMS bitches!!!

X and Zero: Good for you. *Nova Strike / Kuuenzan*

Sigma: Alright, well this time I've got a "laser"! Are you ready for your FINAL JOURNEY?

X and Zero: You mean through that door behind you once we kill you? Yeah. *Soul Body / Ryuenjin*

Sigma: Well, crap. Oh well, I'm gonna blow up the earth anyway! *dies*

Zero: What would that accomplish?

X: Looking for logic at this stage of the game is a bit useless, Zero. Oh hi General. Say, ever wonder what the sound of one robotic hand clapping is?

General: It's because of you I'm in this crappy shape, you jerks. But I'll save the Earth by sacrificing myself anyway, since we're still following the "no minor characters are allowed to carry over to the next games" policy.

Zero: Well then, better get hopping!

General: …I hate you guys. I really do. *dies*

Final Weapon: *ASPLODES*

Zero: Waaaaah! Irrrrrriiiiiiiiiiisssssssss!

X: Zero, sorry to bother you in the midst of your grief, but… if I go Maverick, you have to destroy me, okay? Pinkie swear!

Zero: Shit shit shit shit SHIT!!!! Why do they always come to me to die?!

On to the Megaman X5 Thumbnail Theater

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