Doppler: Egads! What a great discovery I've made!

X: Who the hell are you?

Doppler: I'm Dr. Doppler, Reploid scientific genius, and I just figured out how to stop Reploids from going Maverick. See, it's caused by a computer virus, but with my new antivirus vaccine, everyone will be fine and we can have a happy world full of peace!

Dr. Cain: Shyeah right, anyone with a hairdo like that is obviously evil. Your antivirus is more useless than Norton AV and your "Utopia" is a cesspool of Maverickism and impending world domination and stuff.

Doppler: …yes, and… your point?

Dr. Cain: X, Zero, go kick his ass.

X: K.

Zero: First, though, maybe we should have an introductory stage so the gamers can see our gameplay differences and also be reminded that even after beating Sigma twice, X is still a gullible pussy.

Mac: I think that's my cue. *abducts X*

Zero: Die, pansy.

Mac: Ack! *dies*

X: Oh Zero, you're a hero!

Zero: I feel the urge to hurt you for that, X, but I won't act on it until X5. …what was that sound?

X: It sounded like a horde of slashfic authors tottering with glee.

Zero: Whatever. Just call if you need my help and I'll be there to sub for you, except I can't gain any upgrades or fight any Mavericks or sub-bosses, and if I die even once I'm done for the whole game.

X: Zero, you suck.

*After beating two Mavericks…*

CAPCOM: Hey Doppler, we've decided to make it an X-series tradition to introduce annoying sub-boss fights after beating two Mavericks, so: Bring the pain!

Doppler: Hmph, very well, but I'm smarter than the X-Hunters; I'll send some pointless minions rather than doing the job myself. Bit and Byte!

Bit and Byte: Whoa, where the hell did we come from?

Doppler: Capcom pulled you out of their ass, just like they have with every minor character in the series so far. Now go kill X!

Bit and Byte: K.

MYSTERIOUSMAVERICK: What, no space between the words?

Thousands of video gamers: Hmm, it looks exactly like Vile BUT HE'S ALL SHADOWY AND STUFF. WHO COULD IT BE?

Bit and Byte: Hi X! We're here to very politely kill you!

X: You suck. Go away. *asswhip*

Bit and Byte: K.

X: Okay, how did I wind up in this busted-up warehouse?

Admiral Ackbar: IT'S A TRAP!

Vile: Missssster X… surprised to see me?

X: Holy crap, Vile is the MYSTERIOUSMAVERICK?!

Thousands of video gamers: ………………

Vile: I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book! What a goof! So now you see, X, evil will always triumph, because good is dumb. Taste some spicy mecha death!

X: Uh, no.

Vile: Fine, be that way. *runs away like a pussy*

Factory: Thank you for starting the self destruction sequence. This factory will self destruct in 50 seconds. That means INSTANT DEATH, kemosabe.

X: CrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapCRAPCRAPCRAPCRAPCRAPCRAPCRAPCRAP- *barely escapes*

Dr. Cain: Okay, X, now that you're done burninating all those Mavericks, I thought you might want to know I found Dr. Doppler's zeeeeeeeeeecret laboratory, which was basically sitting smack dab in the open the entire time.

Zero: X, is it just me or is Capcom running out of ideas?

X: Huh?

Zero: I mean, there were three Mavericks based on water animals and NONE of them fought underwater. There were two others that had basically the same attack patterns. And now they brought back Vile, and then they didn't even bother to think up a halfway exotic location for Doppler's lab.

CAPCOM: You talk too much, Zero. Just for that, you'll have to be the sidekick while X goes through Doppler's lab.

Zero: Crap!

Dr. Cain: Oh, I thought you guys might want to know… Doppler seems to be building this gi-normous battle body, but it's for someone else.

Sigma: I'll give you three guesses who, but you're only gonna need one.

Dr. Light's Ghost: X, I didn't say anything in the last game because I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt, but… what in the HELL happened to those two other sets of power-ups I gave you?

X: Uh… the… dog ate them? Anyway, where's my new super one-hit kill attack?

Dr. Light's Ghost: Ingrate. Just for that, I'm giving you a capsule that gives you four additional power-ups instead, three of which are completely useless and the fourth of which is only handy if you have an emulator fast-forward.

X: …WTF? Now I look like I've been dunked in Cheez Whiz. What kind of ultimate armor is this?

Dr. Light's Ghost: One more word out of you and you are grounded and I am NOT KIDDING MISTER!!!

X: … *whimper* …my dad doesn't understand me. *asskick*


X: Hmm. Well, I can't say that name three times fast… but I can still kick your ass.

Godkarmachine O Inary: Crap. *dies*

Vile: Hi there X, I've got the most powerful ride armor in the world and I'd love to decorate it with your robot guts!

X: Ah, but I now have something I lacked during our original struggle: WALLS!

Vile: Blast! My armor can neither jump nor punch upwards! I am rendered impotent!

X: And stay dead this time!

Vile: *Scottish accent* I'll be back! You haven't seen the last of Villie-*dies*

Doppler: Hello there, X.


Doppler: ...

X: ...

The Thumbnail Theater Author: Sorry, I've got nothing.

Doppler: *cough* So X, you can join me or die.

X: How about I kill you instead?

Doppler: Go ahead and try it. In the meantime, I will spam my cheap-ass life-regenerating shield to teach you not to have an itchy trigger finger.

X: *shoots Doppler in the face*

Doppler: Ouch! Okay, Sigma corrupted me and I built him a massive hulking body of death and destruction and generally unpleasant stuff. My bad.

X: Doppler, you suck.

Zero: Hi there X, I've come to remind you I'm still in the game!

X: You're going to help me fight Sigma this time?

Zero: Well, if by "help you fight Sigma" you mean "run off and destroy another power generator that will do exactly jack and shit to help you fight Sigma," then yes.

X: I stand corrected. Zero, you really suck. I should have let you die and swiped your sword.

Sigma: Ah, X, at last we meet, for the first time, for the last time! Until the next sequel anyway.

X: What the… Sigma, why do you look like William Wallace?

Sigma: Eh, I liked that whole "Scottish" idea Vile came up with. Sue me. Now I will mass spam fireballs and throw my shield like I'm goddamn Captain America or something! *MASS SPAMS FIREBALLS AND THROWS HIS SHIELD LIKE HE'S GODDAMN CAPTAIN AMERICA OR SOMETHING*

X: Sigma, you suck more than Zero and Doppler combined. *kills Sigma*

Sigma: Now now, you didn't think they'd tell you I was getting a new body if I couldn't use it, did you?

X: *looks up… waaay up* ………ooooooooooooooooooh shit.

Sigma: Time to die, emo boy!!! *fires ZE MISSILES and "lasers" and stuff*

X: CrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapCRAPCRAPCRAPCRAPCRAPCRAPCRAPCRAP- *barely wins*

Thousands of video gamers: Whew.

Sigma: You didn't think it was going to be that easy, did you?

Thousands of video gamers:WTF?!?! Rising lava? Gradually narrowing vertical shaft?! Why are you doing this to us, Capcom?!

CAPCOM: Because we hate you. Buy Resident Evil 4, you can look up Ashley's skirt.

Sigma: New, from Maverick Fragrances, "Possession". For evil bastards.

X: Damn! It's a dead end…

Thousands of video gamers: …did X just swear?

X: I think I did. And it wasn't a creative liberty taken by the thumbnail theater author, either.

Thousands of video gamers: Capcom, we hate you… but we think we love you.

Sigma: All righty X, time for me to possess you. Be a good little emo boy and go out with a whine.

Zero: Here comes Mighty Mouse! *slash*

Sigma: FUX1N6 H4XX0R!!!!11 *dies AGAIN*

Zero: Remember, kids, he who lives by the cheap attack, dies by the cheap attack.

X: Show me what it's for, make me understand it/
I've been crawling in the dark, looking for the answer/
Is there something more than what I've been handed?

Zero: Cheer up, emo Reploid, we are victorious and all is well. But man, I sure got the shaft after all that hype. Hey Capcom, how about some love for a Hunta'?

CAPCOM: "Unknown to X, his destiny has already been decided. To save mankind, he must destroy Zero."


On to the Megaman X4 Thumbnail Theater