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X: Isn't it clever how the "2" is superscript? Like "X squared"?
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Dr. Cain: Careful, X, algebra jokes are probably beyond your target audience. Anyway, it's been six months since you killed Sigma and there's still no one to lead the Maverick Hunters, so I guess you're the leader now.
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X: Wow. What an honor to be proclaimed the leader after everyone else who held the title either turned evil or got killed.
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Dr. Cain: Suck it up and go stop the new rebellion led by three very silly looking Mavericks you somehow missed the first time around.
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X: Very well! But this time I won't go alone! I'll bring the rest of the Hunters with me-
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Hunters: *KABOOM*
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X: -and apparently they never programmed those guys to ride motorcycles. Guess I'm on my lonesome again. Eat plasma death, abandoned factory!!!
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Serges: So that is X.
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Violen: Yes, that is X.
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Agile: Man, is he a dork.
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Serges: Yep, pretty much. What are we doing here, again?
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Agile: Discussing the "unification", whatever that is. I think they're trying to make us into actual villains, so we have to stand around having cryptic talks.
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Serges: Works for me. I think the gamers are getting bored, so let's send out 8 more animal-themed Mavericks for X to kill.
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Violen: I only got one line. I feel upset.
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Agile: Cheer up, emo Reploid.
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X: Wow, eight more animal themed Mavericks, including the requisite fire, water and jungle stages. I totally never saw that coming. *blows stuff up*
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Serges: Okay, I guess this guy isn't as much of a pussy as we thought.
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Agile: Idea! Capcom just found out Zero turned out to be more popular than X! Let's reintroduce him to the series and lure X into a trap in the process!
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Serges: Cut it out. I'm supposed to be the one who's a super genius.
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Violen: If you guys don't give me another line, I'm going to hurt you…
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X: Who dares interrupt me in the middle of my ass kicking?
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Dr. Cain: X, we're receiving a message from these three amigos calling themselves the "X Hunters".
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X: Well, at least it won't be hard to figure out what their goal is.
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Agile: Hi there X, we've got a tasty carrot to dangle in front of you.
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Serges: If you can kick our asses, we'll give you Zero's parts, thereby giving you the opportunity to resurrect him and no longer have to angst over being the cause of his demise! Sound good?
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X: Sure, why not. So far this series has done nothing but show me that violence is the way to solve all my problems, despite my allegedly pacifistic nature.
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Violen: By the way, this totally isn't a trap.
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Admiral Ackbar: IT'S A TRAP!
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Dr. Cain: X, this may be a trap, but you'd better get those parts if you want to save yourself a pain in the ass boss battle later in the game.
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X: I'm already out the door!
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Agile: Taste the wrath of my cheap super-fast sword attacks!
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Serges: Taste the wrath of my cheap impenetrable force field!
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Violen: Taste the wrath of my cheap X-seeking spiked ball!
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X: You may be cheap, however I get infinite continues. And save states.
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Agile, Serges and Violen: Crap. We shall run away like pussies!
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X: Okay Dr. Cain, I've collected all the parts. Now let's get on with the game, since we're only halfway through and this chapter's already almost as long as the last one.
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Dr. Cain: Very well. I've just managed to locate the X Hunters' base, which was in a very secret location: The North Pole. Go blow it up. Meanwhile, I'll try to rearrange these parts into something vaguely resembling Zero.
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X: Oh yeah, big secret. Why didn't they just build it in a more subtle location, like downtown New York or something? All right, I'm on my way.
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X: Okay, I am getting pretty sick of these crushing walls already.
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Violen: Some balls are held for charity and some for fancy dress/
But when they're held for pleasure they're the balls that I like best/
My balls are always bouncing to the left and to the right/
It's my belief that my big balls should be held every night!
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X: Hmm. Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap is a classic album, but I prefer to listen to Ballbreaker.
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Violen: Crap. *dies*
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X: Now that the "ball" jokes are finished, I am getting pretty sick of these spikes already.
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Serges: Blah blah blah "unification", "prophecy", and other vague plot points that are never explained nor elaborated upon blah blah blah. Eat metal death!
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X: Uh, no.
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Serges: Crap. *dies*
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X: Now that that sucka has ceased his jibba jabba, I am getting pretty sick of this spike lined double air dash corridor already.
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Dr. Light's Ghost: Ah, but it was worth it, grasshopper, for I shall bestow on you a one-hit-kill super technique that, unlike the fireball from X1, is actually somewhat usable.
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Agile: Too bad you get it so late in the game. Come get some firey missile death!
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X: Yawn. *Dragon Punch*
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Agile: Crap. I literally didn't even last two seconds. *dies*
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Sigma: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Siggy!
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X: Whoa! I never would have guessed that Sigma was behind all this!
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Sigma: And if you believe that, I've got a fake Zero I'd like to sell you. Or kill you with. Your choice.
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Zero: Maverick, please. *destroys Fake Zero*
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X: zOMG!!!! i7z t3h r331 Z3R0!!!!1
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Sigma: And on that note, I think I'll run away like a pussy. But Zero, I know all your dirty secrets! Neener neener! *NINJA VANISH*
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Zero: Bitch. Here X, I'll go blow up some random off screen computer and leave you with the task of killing Sigma. It should be a piece of cake considering you've already beaten him once.
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X: You seem to infer that Sigma has not perhaps learned anything since the last time I fought him? Ugh. It's not like I have a choice here, so, going dooooowwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnn…
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Sigma: Check this shizzle, bub. *SNIKT*
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X: …retractable hand claws are so 1992. And those sure ain't adamantium, "bub." *Dragon Punch*
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Sigma: *asplodes* Yowch. All right, plan B: A final form which can take an insane amount of hits because it has no life bar! Feel the wrath of the C4 Chip's primitive 3D polygonal modeling and despair!!
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X: Yawn. *Three Dragon Punches*
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Sigma: Wanker! I'll be baaaaaaack! And Zero was actually built by Dr.Wi- *asplodes*
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Zero: Well, that was kinda cool. …X, what are you doing?
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X: I'm weeping inside.
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Zero: Stay away from me, it might be contagious.
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X: ...
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Zero: …
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X: ...
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Zero: Hey, those words scrolling up the screen are backwards.
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On to the Megaman X3 Thumbnail Theater
Home
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