Part Seven

Ryudo: Well crap. Not only did we lose our only lead, we have to trudge back to the village again. Can we segue already?


Selene: All right witch, you're going down.

Sandra: But I'm telling you, my daughter was cured by a miracle!

Selene: Bitch, please. Granas wouldn't bother to help you out, because you suck, so you're clearly with Valmar. Hey everyone, let's point fingers at the desperate mother and call her names. Or I kill you all too.

Villagers: Uh, okay. Sandra, you suck!

Sandra: Mercy! Please! Mercy!

Selene: Not only do you have the audacity to tug on my dry-clean-only uniform, but you dare to speak French in front of me? Step off!!! *BITCHSLAP*

Aira: WTF?

Selene: Oooh. Little girl's giving me the evil eye, if you know what I mean.


Selene: All right, boys, we're having Valmar Kabob tonight. Get the girl.

Elena: You mustn't!

Selene: But we must.

Elena:But you mustn't!

Selene: Dammit, I said we must. Now give me the girl.

Ryudo:Don't listen to her, Elena. I wave my private parts at you, you so called high priestess… you and your stupid Cathedral Knnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnniggits!

Ryudo: Also, I would like to state at this point that everyone in this town makes me sick to my stomach.

Sandra: Aira, what's going… um. I don't remember that eye being on your forehead.

Aira: Waaah! Even my mother hates me! Screw this, I'm outta here. *KA-POOF*

Elena: X_X

Selene: Well, crap. All right, move along people, we've got a demon girl to hunt. And Ryudo? You suck. Kiss my chaste righteous butt.

Ryudo: This is just great. Aira ran off, the Church hates me, and Elena's out cold. The only thing that could further destabilize the situation is if-

Millenia: *POOF!* Honey, I'm home!

Sandra: I just called my own daughter a monster. Man, I suck. All I ever wanted was for her to be happy. Oh, Dreaming of that face again/
It's bright and blue and shimmering/
Grinning wide and/
Comforting me with it's three warm and wild eyes…

Roan: Don't be so hard on yourself. You're clearly a better parent than that Selene woman could ever hope to be.

Sandra: Well, whatever. Go ahead and kill Aira.

Ryudo: Um… no. Surely there's another way?

Millenia: Well, I could just rip the eye right out of her, except there's one tiny little catch, that being her soul gets shattered.

Ryudo: Surely you can't be serious!

Millenia: I am serious, and don't call me Shirley. Honestly Ryudo, would you stop being a whiny bitch? You're not Vash the Stampede, you can't just magically make things right all the time.

Ryudo: Ugh. I would like to state for the record that you and Sandra both suck. Whatever, let's go back to the Garden.

Roan: Um. There's no one in there.

Millenia: That's what you think. Check this out. *poof*

Ryudo: …Millenia. When this is over, you and I are going to have a long talk about things like mentioning that you can create portals out of thin air before we have to walk long distances.

Millenia: And this portal leads us directly to the-

Mareg: -MYSTERIOUS FISSURE. Which is becoming less and less mysterious with each trip we make into it.

Millenia: But that's okay, because I've got another portal ready to zap us into Aira's soul. What evil lurks in the hearts of little girls?

Mareg: The nose knows!

Ryudo: And I know just by looking that this girl has some issues, considering we're stuck on a bunch of fluffy clouds with fast-moving enemies given to cheaply surprise-attacking us.

Roan: Maybe so, but there's a convenient save point that lets us restore ourselves repeatedly so we can use our specials at will. See, we can be cheap too.

Ryudo: *sigh* This game is so broken. All right everyone, let's pile onto the flying whale to pass over the river of fog to our scenic destination, the Eyeball And Fang Islands located in the prime tourist destination of the Boiling Bloody Sea. …what's wrong?

Mareg: Nothing, just for a second there I thought I heard a nine inch nails record playing somewhere.

Millenia: Hmm. I wonder where the little girl could be. Could it possibly be she's behind this door which is shaped like -what else- an eyeball?

Ryudo: I get it, I get it, I GET IT! For crying out loud, let's get this over with.

Aira: In this world I/
Lock out all my/
Worries and my fears/
In my room/
In my room.

Ryudo: All right, kid, life sucks, people are dicks, and that will never change. Those are just the simple facts of life.

Aira: Yeah, well, you suck. Ph34r teh cute ones!111!

Valmar's Eye: Taste the wrath of my relentlessly cheap eyeball minions!

Mareg: However, eyeballs are soft and easily damaged, and we wield a variety of sharp and pointy objects.

Ryudo: Sometimes competently, even.

Valmar's Eye: Crap.

Millenia: Well, that's that. Let's stick a fork in this one and call it a day.

Sandra: Aira! I've come for the requisite tear-jerking final reunion!

Aira: So good to see you once again/
I thought that you were hiding from me/
And you thought that I had run away/
Chasing the trail of smoke and reason/
Prying open my third eye…

Millenia: Don't mind if I do! *FUNKY MAGIC SEQUENCE*

Sandra: Um. Now what?

Millenia: Well, if you're going to continue to be a mopey bitch, I recommend suicide.

Ryudo: Grrr. How dare you be so callous and uncaring, you rotten, stupid wench! That's MY job!

Millenia: Oh by the way, you might be able to save your daughter if you work hard to save this last flower… but that'll never happen considering you're a self pitying whiner.

Sandra: Screw you girlie, I'll make this cave turn into a flower garden if it'll bring Aira back!

Millenia: Go ahead and try then. See if I care.

Ryudo: Psst. Millenia, your hardass act needs work. You sentimental do-gooder.

Millenia: …screw you.

Ryudo: You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Roan and Mareg: OH SNAP.

On to Part 8