Part Eight

Elena: Well, so much for being heroes. I feel all depressed and gothy, all of a sudden. Now I have empathy for Squaresoft characters.

Roan: Well, we DID prevent the town from being burned down, but we couldn't save a little girl who tried to kill us so it was clearly a total wash. I should have brought my Linkin Park albums on this journey.

Mareg: Okay then, I will just say something random about ravens, and we can be on our way.

Ryudo: About time. We're way behind on our wackiness quota. See ya round, Sandra… actually we probably won't ever see you again.

Sandra: As a minor plot point in a highly linear game, it is my duty to say: Don't let the door hit your butt on the way out. And don't worry… the kids are alright.

Ryudo: Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to the pope we go/
With pointy swords and sarcastic words, hi ho, hi ho… and speaking of hoes…

Selene: You suck, as do heretics in general. And leave the singing to Songstresses. Speaking of which… Elena, when you meet the pope, you're going to have some 'splaining to do. Ta ta!

Ryudo: Ugh. I could do without running into her again. Into the St. Heim Mountains we go, since the fog and snow have conveniently gotten out of our way.

Elena: Well, gosh. No nasty environmental hazards to impede our progress. We're making pretty good time-

Roan: Hey, look. There's a treasure in this cavern with the waterfall.


The Author: *flings his controller at the screen… for about the seventh time* THE HELL WITH IT.

Ryudo: Watch where you're throwing that. All right, I have decided to sit down on my butt. We're camping here tonight.

Mareg: But the sun is yet high in the sky-

Ryudo:I SAID SIT. That damn treasure is going to haunt me in my dreams… where the hell is the passageway to it?!

Mareg: Easy there, big shooter. Find something else to obsess over.

Elena: How about all the mess that went down in Mirumu? Was what we did right?

Roan: I dunno, it's not like we had a lot of options.

Ryudo: Good thing Millenia showed up when she did, because-and this is emasculating to say-she was the only one with the balls to do what had to be done.

Elena: Ryudo, how many times do I have to say the words "Millenia" and "good thing" should not be used in the same sentence unless it involves her six feet under?

Mareg: She strikes me as rather innocent, actually.


Roan: She strikes me as mature.

Ryudo: In more ways than one, hubba hubba…

Elena: Hello? Earth to party? MILLENIA BAD, GRANAS GOOD. Come in, party!

Ryudo: Watch us not care, Elena. If you have to keep whining about Millenia, you can do it in the sack.

*Next day…*

Skye: The grand old Geohound, he had a nun, a boy and a beastman/

Elena: He marched them up to the top of the hill and he marched them down again/

Roan: And when you're up, you're up, and when you're down, you're down/

Mareg: And when you are only halfway up you are neither up nor down/

Ryudo: And therefore in need of rest. We camp once again!

Roan: And I go to fetch water!

Mareg: And I shall, uh, tag along.

Roan: …do what now? I may be scrawny but I can carry it myself.

Mareg: It's okay, I'll come anyway. I know a secret, uh, shortcut. Wink, wink, nudge nudge.

Roan: ……right. Just so you know, I have a chastity belt-

Mareg: …dear god, that was NOT what I meant. Now come on, let's leave them alone. Wink wink, nudge nudge.

Roan: Oooooooookay…

Elena: Well, that was rather abrupt.

Ryudo: No kidding. Speaking of abrupt, what's with this soft piano music all of a sudden?

Elena: I dunno, maybe I'm missing something. Anyway, Ryudo, I guess I should say you don't suck as much as I thought you would.

Ryudo: Likewise. Anyway, why are you such a goodie two shoes?

Elena: Dunno, I just felt like it. I guess my own suckiness inspires me to help people so that they don't suck so much that their suckitude damns them to hell or something. Hey, they're back.

Ryudo: About friggin' time, too. Where were you?

Mareg: Like any intrepid and obviously experienced warriors retracing steps we had already made, we, uh…

Roan: …got lost.

Thousands of video gamers: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight…

Mareg: So, uh, did you two do, uh…

Ryudo: Huh?

Roan: Oh, you know, while we were away, did anything, uh…

Elena: Um, what are you getting at?

Mareg: You know, when a boy and girl are alone, sometimes you… it's a good chance to…

Ryudo: Does not compute.

Mareg: …Roan, promise me you will stop me if I attempt to hit my head against the wall. I do not wish to incur brain damage.

Roan: Only if you'll stop me too! Anyway, we are almost to the cathedral. I wonder, do prayers said by people who die just hang around until someone grants them, or what?

Ryudo: Hell if I know. But let's all engage in some out of character pondering for a few minutes so we can foster the game's appearance of being deep and meaningful.

Everyone: ...

Ryudo: All right, that's enough of that. On to St. Heim. Uh… what the hell are these, um, things?


Elena: They're called moo-baas.

Ryudo: Let's have a round of applause for creativity. Sheesh.

Carro: Chu! (No competition.)

Roan: Half sheep, half cow… I can't decide whether to pet them or flee in terror.

Mareg: Well, I know where my sentiments lie. *pats stomach*

Ryudo: And on that note, I'm ready for some chow. Now that I've ferried Elena here I'm ready to go track down my brother and kick his ass.

Mareg and Roan: Yay! That would be fun!

Ryudo: So Elena, you gonna go meet with the Pope or what?

Elena: Actually, I've suddenly become clingy and regretful of you leaving and therefore I plan to bullshit and stall as much as possible.

Ryudo: Oh, fine. Let's, like, watch people make bread and stuff, and then we can go eat dinner.

Elena: So like, thanks for making sure I didn't become Valmar food.

Ryudo: All in a day's work.

Elena: Argh! Ryudo, you insensitive lout! Do you not notice the pain in my despairing gaze? Do you not hear my heartstrings being rent one by one by your callousness? Can you not see that our actions of mutual concern and protection were not merely a casual occupational acquaintance but rather the tender, halting beginnings of deep, passionate eternal burning love?!

Ryudo: …do what now?

Roan and Mareg: *slap foreheads*

Priest: Pardon me for interrupting your faux pas, but Elena, Pope Zera says get your white-robed butt to the Cathedral right now.

Elena: But-

Priest: HE SAID NOW.

Elena: Squeak! *runs*

Ryudo: Once a church sissy, always a church sissy, I guess. Still, I feel kinda depressed about the whole thing. Go figure… why do you all keep rolling your eyes?

Roan, Mareg and Skye: Oh, no particular reason…

On to Part 9