Part Six

Sandra: So that's my spiel. My life sucks.

Ryudo: Doesn't everyone's. Like it or not, Elena, I have no intention of getting caught up in this, so I suggest you come quietly lest I have to tie you up and drag you behind me.

Elena: That's… kinda kinky. Oh well, you're right. Let's go.

Aira: Uh… I think your travel plans are about to encounter a major delay.

Cathedral Knights: *TROMP TROMP TROMP*

Selene: We're the Morality Squad, armed with the wrath of God/
My name is Selene, and here's my holy hot rod!

Elena: Um. Uh oh.

Ryudo: Uh oh? It's never very reassuring when you say that, Elena.

Selene: Now then. Something is rotten in the state of Mirumu. Everybody in this town better do exactly what I say… or we kill you. Nobody leaves the town or comes in… or we kill them. Oops, did I say "kill"? I meant "purify."

Ryudo: Whoa, sis, this one buries the needle on the Psycho-meter.

Elena: That's High Priestess Selene, the inquisitor. She's good.

Ryudo: Good?

Elena: Very good. And that's bad.

Roan: Bad?

Elena:Very bad.

Ryudo: Argh, why me? I just came to this town to get some chow, I wasn't expecting some kind of Granas Inquisition-

Selene: NO ONE EXPECTS THE GRANAS INQUISITION!!!!! Our chief weapon is surprise, surprise and fear, surprise, fear, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope and really big swords-HEM. All right, I don't care if you're on a mission to the Cathedral, you don't leave this town but on the points of our swords.

Elena: She'll do it, I've heard stories. These people make Cardinal Ximinez look like a monastery freshman.

Selene: You make that sound so… negative! So… let me just recap. If you try to leave, you get purified. If you interfere, you get purified. If we find out Valmar's here, the whole town gets purified. Any questions?

Village Chief: Actually, yes-

Selene: Shut up, you suck. Now tell me where the bad people are so we can get on with the fun stuff.

Elena: Well, I guess we're staying here after all.

Ryudo: Ugh, I give up. My life has been an unending streak of bad luck since I met you, you know that?

Elena: We've only known each other for a couple of weeks.

Ryudo: My point exactly. Let's eat.

Mareg: Well, this town seems normal enough, but the SMELL is awry. It's not an evil SMELL, but it's still an awry SMELL. Did I mention there's an awry SMELL?

Ryudo: Yes, yes you did. Frankly, I'm starting to wonder what the SMELL of beastman on an open fire is like.

Mareg: …I'll be good.

Valmar's Moon: *shine*

Elena: Floating in the night sky like a blood red boat/
The moon reflects my tears of love and hate… well, this one only reflects the ones of hate, actually…

Ryudo: Oh, here she goes again. Can't you stop angsting about Valmar for 30 seconds?

Elena: Negative, considering it's inside me.

Ryudo: Hey now, Millenia's not that bad-


Ryudo: Look, if you're THIS worried about releasing Valmar's power, how about I just off you right now? Believe me, it would be no trouble at all to play Sephiroth to your Aeris.

Ryudo x Millenia fans: YES!!! YES!!! DO IT, RYUDO!!!!!!!

Ryudo x Elena fans: NO!!! NO!!! DON'T DO IT, RYUDO!!!!!!!

Elena: *BAAAAWWWWLLLLLL* All right fine, kill me! Or not.

Ryudo: Whoops, that backfired. Geez, I sure am Mr. Smooth tonight. Oh well, at least she's not suicidal anymore. Bedtime for me.

Enormous Friggin' Eyeball: Boo. Let's have a look into your dirty past, shall we? Starting with the death of-

Ryudo: *extremely unmanly scream of terror*

Skye: Ryudo, are you all right? You were moaning in bed. Check your sheets.

Ryudo: Believe me, Skye, nothing will be happening down THERE for quite some time. It wasn't that kinda dream.

Skye: Maybe you should get some fresh air?

Ryudo: Okay. Um. Uh. Hello, Enormous Winged Eyeball Floating In My Window OH MY GOD SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT HERE.

Roan: Hey Mr. Ryudo, Mareg and I had bad dreams. Can we stay with you?

Yaoi fangirls: *SQUEAL*

Ryudo: That's a negative, Roan. Everyone with weapons, take them out, because we're going after that thing.

Mareg: That would be all of us.

Ryudo: Whatever.


Irina: *SNORE*

Elena: Crud, another one bites the dust. This is bad.

Skye: Not to worry, I followed the eyeballs to a cave at the back of town which has conveniently been removed of the boxes that were blocking its entrance earlier.

Ryudo: Lucky us. Let's get our dungeon crawl on, there's some eyeballs in here ripe for a poking.

Roan: Well, this is one boring dungeon. No gimmicks, no puzzles, just hack and slash.

Mareg: Perhaps so, but with a name like "MYSTERIOUS FISSURE", it's sure to get interesting eventually.

Elena: If you consider a broken Valmar Seal interesting, then yes.

Ryudo: Well, I didn't see this one coming. Great, we found a broken seal but there's no monster.

Elena: But I did find a flower!

Ryudo: A flower? Just like the ones in Aira's garden? Gee, Game Arts, are you trying to drop us a subtle HINT here?

Elena: Well, I like to think I have an eye for detail-

Eyeballs: All right, that's enough eye puns. You die now.

Ryudo: Except… no.

Eyeballs: Crud. *die*

Roan: Well, that was way too easy to be the end of things. We have more work to do.

Mareg: You are right. Frankly, though, I am not really up to backtracking all the way through here.

Ryudo: Neither am I. Let's segue.


Roan: It looks like more people got sick. Most of the town has fallen asleep.

Elena: What should we do?

Selene: I've got a good idea! Let's burn the town down!

Ryudo: No, how about we don't? We've got to figure out who's pulling the strings here. Maybe it might be Aira.

Elena: Ha! Don't be ridiculous! She could never, ever, ever, in a million years possibly be the one! She's too CUTE!

Aira: Hi lady! Let's play!

Ryudo: I've learned many things in my travels, and one of those things is that you should be frightened when a child in an RPG wants to "play".

Aira: You have two choices. You can take the blue pill, wake up and believe whatever you want… or you can take the red pill, you follow me into my shed, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Elena: Apparently it goes straight to the broken seal in the MYSTERIOUS FISSURE.

Ryudo: Well ain't THAT some shit.

Aira: Come on guys, being human is a big bummer. Everyone just hates each other. You should join our happy little fairy commune. Everyone's doing it.

Mysterious third eye on Aira's forehead: Peek a boo.

Aira: Whoops, you weren't supposed to see that. See ya later!

Eyeballs: *GROAN*

On to Part 7