Part Five

Ryudo: Duh… who's the iffer heebie-jeebie on the WHAT now? Millenia, what the hell did you just DO?!

Millenia: Oh, like I'm going to TELL you. Hot chicks have to be mysterious! Ta ta! *FLASH*

Elena: Yech, I'm all sticky… and Ryudo's all freaking out. Okay, what did I miss THIS time?

Ryudo: Millenia showed up, we kicked some ass, then she did something weird and made the Tongue disappear, and Fatso's sorry ass was all that was left. And then she left me without so much as a goodbye kiss. Sigh.

Elena: Okay Ryudo, I'm sure you're very crushed that you were dumped by a Granas-damned demoness again, but there's something more important going on here. Gadan's soul was devoured and now he's comatose!

Ryudo: In that case, I'm sure he can still find gainful employment in Congress.

Elena: You dimwit, I'm saying it's MILLENIA'S fault! She sucks!

Roan: Hey now, Miss Millenia helped us beat that monster! I won't have anyone speaking ill of the woman who gave me my first wet dre-uh, never mind.

Mareg: All's well that ends well. The SMELL of evil is gone.

Roan: So what does the town smell like now?

Mareg: Its SMELL is that of… a town. What, were you expecting something else?

Ryudo: Whatever! We'll have plenty of time to sit around and ponder Millenia's actions while we're crossing the cliffs. (Although personally, I plan to ponder her ASS…) Now let's dump Gadan here and make for the Skyway before anyone gets suspicious.

Mareg: Hey Ryudo, when your babysitting is done, care to join me on a big-game hunt? I was thinking we would maybe go on a safari for an evil bastard with a spike fetish and a really big sword.

Ryudo: 10-4, good buddy. In the meantime, though, let's head on the Skyway.


Ryudo: So, Elena, are you… afraid of heights?

Elena: Even if I was, I at least have my irrational, borderline obsessive fear of Millenia to keep my mind off of it.

Roan: Way to think positive, Miss Elena. However, considering that Valmar's Moon is glowing a very creepy blood red and the Skyway is shaking like a mofo, perhaps you should be worried about heights after all.

Mareg: And I don't need to SMELL anything to tell you that the suspension cables just snapped.

Ryudo: Uh oh. Everyone put your tray tables in their upright and locked positions, and remember your seat cushions can be used as a flotation deVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCEEEEE…

Skyway: SPLAT!

Ryudo: Owowowowowow, that's gonna leave a mark or fifty… where the hell's Elena?

Roan: Duh, Mr. Ryudo, this is a strictly by-the-numbers RPG, haven't you figured out by now that the female lead always has to be rescued?

Millenia: But I'M the female lead!

Elena: Not right NOW you aren't! Now shut up and get back in my head!

Ryudo: So where'd she go?

Mareg: *SNIFF SNIFF* Follow me! The nose knows!

Elena: Well shucks howdy, what a way to die. I didn't even get the drama of being stabbed by a guy with an enormous sword while sickeningly cheerful music plays in the background.

Millenia: You're not dead yet, so get up and take a walk over here! Though I doubt you'll be feeling HAPPYYYY when you see me in this mirror.

Elena: Whoa… uh, my reflection seems to have changed considerably. Was I the victim of a drive-by makeover?

Millenia: Feh, you wish. Anyway, Elena, I just called you over here so your ungrateful whiny ass can thank me for saving you, even though you suck.

Elena: BS, you so totally did not save me! And you suck!

Millenia: No, YOU suck!

Elena: No, YOU suck! Now take a hike before I reach through that mirror and wrap that pretty red hair of yours around your neck.

Millenia: Well fine, Mizz Thang, suit yourself… but remember, I'm the RPG equivalent of Carrot Top. You'll NEVER be able to get rid of me! AHAHAHAHAHAHA *poof*

Elena: Sigh. I wonder if that's what I'm like when I have really bad PMS?

Roan: Hey, Miss Elena? You all right?

Elena: Hang on, let me get something out of my system. Ahem… WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! VALMAR'S GONNA DESTROY THE WORLD AND WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Right, I'm fine now. Let's get cracking.

Ryudo: Well, apocalyptic ranting aside, this is another fine mess we've gotten ourselves in. Why can't anything ever go RIGHT for me?

Roan: This is a Game Arts game, duh.

Ryudo: Of course, how could I forget? Anyway, let's make haste through this forest and… hey, what the hell's with all this fog? I thought this was Grandia 2, not freaking Silent Hill.

Roan: Zing! But I still think we're lost.

Mareg: Hmm, I am totally confuzzled. How did we wind up in an underground flower garden in the middle of a snowy forest? More importantly, an underground LIFELESS flower garden?

Creepy girl: Hey there, nice people! Welcome to my happiness emporium! You want happiness? We got happiness on racks! Come get a rack of happiness! Tastes like chicken!

Elena: Uh… your eyes are blank and lifeless. Since anyone in anime whose eyes do not have enormous glare spots on them are either dead or clearly messed up mentally, I would guess that you're either blind, or you took the definition of "flower children" far too literally and OD'd. But I hope to God it's the former.

Roan: And let's not even MENTION the fairies flying around here. I feel a bit stoned myself.

Creepy girl: Funny you should speak of God, since he's the one who lets me see! Wasn't that nice of him, nice lady? …Wait a minute, you're not nice. You're… you're gonna eat me!

Elena: E-eat you? Just what do you mean by that? Because I can think of three or four VERY WRONG scenarios based on that statement, here.

Creepy girl: Feh, like I'm gonna tell you. Smell ya later!

Mareg: And we're back in the forest. Well, that was bizarre.

Skye: Lately, it's par for the course. Let's move on to Mirumu Village, where we will encounter a very depressing subplot and more superfluous vowels.

Village Chief: Ah! A Sister! We're saved!

Ryudo: No you're not. And stop drooling on me.

Elena: Gadzooks!! A curse on the village is making everyone fall asleep?! Time to swing into Soul Sistah Mode once again!

Ryudo: Gah, Elena, do you remember that talk we had about biting off more than you could chew?

Elena: Nope. To the best of my recollection, we never had one. How about I guilt trip you into at least staying here for a night while the town waits for word from the cathedral?

Roan, Mareg and Skye: He is sooooooooooo whipped.

Ryudo: Bite me.

Roan: Say, is it just me or do all the sleeping people seem to be mumbling about the same garden we passed through?

Ryudo: No, you're probably right. But maybe if we PRETEND it's just you, we can skip the next three boss fights.

Elena: Now, now… so does anyone here know about a weird little girl with a scar above her eye?

Irina: Oh, THAT… thing. There's a girl here who looks like that. Her name is Aira, but we all call her by her nickname, "Evil Filthy Wretched Demon Spawn." And the demon in question is her mother, Sandra.

Elena: I sure am glad people in this town aren't prone to rushing to judgment. Let's have a talk with Aira and see if we can defuse the situation.

Aira: Hey hey, it's the soul-munching lady!

Elena: Exactly what do you-

Ryudo: Who cares if you know what she means, Elena. The important thing is that the gamers already figured it out, so… on to more pressing matters. What's the deal with that garden?

Aira: It's the Happiest Place On Earth, duh! Or at least that's what I'd like to call it, but Disney threatened to sue. So I just call it the Garden of Dreams.

Sandra: HEY! Get away from my daughter, you pedophiles!!!

Mareg: I see that even the outcasts in this town are prone to jumping to conclusions. We mean your daughter no harm, and even if we did we could probably kick your ass six ways from Sunday.

Sandra: Oh, I'm not worried about you doing anything to her, Mr. Hulking Brute, I'm more concerned about the sister of Granas.

Elena: Hey now! I'll have you know we have nothing to do with the Boston Archdiocese-

Sandra: Whatever. Get in my house before the stares from the townfolk bore holes in your head. Now then, everyone in the town hates me and Aira because I prayed and worked to make her blindness go away, which clearly makes me a horrible mother or something. Also, after my prayers finally worked and she got her sight, she started playing with Irina's son and-

Aira: I took him to the land of dreams!

Ryudo: Land of dreams, huh? And then he got sick? Well, this just underscores the need for comprehensive sex education in the modern schooling system.

Elena: Ryudo, don't say such things around a little girl-

Roan: 's okay, she's too busy ogling my big, shiny medal to pay attention.

Elena: …I hate you all.

On to Part 6