Part Four

Mareg: Prepare to die, you sunovabitch!

Ryudo: And a lovely evening to you too, Mr. Furry. Do you have a particular reason for trying to kill me, or are you in heat or something?

Mareg: Evil! You're eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil! *WHACK SLAM POW*

Ryudo: Uh, there must be some kind of mistake.

Mareg: No way, you've got the evil SMELL! Not just the smell, the SMELL!

Roan: *sigh* I really hate the old "mistaken identity" gag.

Elena: YOU hate it? Ryudo's the one getting beaten up.

Ryudo: Shut up and help me, you two. Well, Sir Grunts-A-Lot, now that we've beaten you down, mind telling us what your problem is?

Mareg: I thought you were… MELFICE.

Ryudo: *gasp* MELFICE?!


Elena: What's going on? Is "Melfice" the word of the day or something? Like we're all supposed to scream whenever someone says it?

Ryudo: What made you think I was Melfice, buddy?

Mareg: Well, if it SMELLS like Melfice, and, um, talks like a Ninja Turtle, then it must be Melfice!

Ryudo: Except Melfice doesn't talk like a Ninja Turtle, you idiot. He talks like a pompous British asshole. Not to mention that he doesn't even look remotely like me.

Mareg: Ah, so you DO know Melfice. That prick destroyed my town, you know.

Ryudo: Better than I'd ever care to. And that's not the only bad thing he's done, buddy-boy. Sorry to disappoint you, but you're barking up the wrong tree.

Mareg: I see. Perhaps the grass I was hiding in got me stoned. This is the Baked Plains after all… I'm outta here.

Ryudo: Wait! I need to kick your ass for that drug reference! And you're supposed to be a playable character, too!

Mareg: Not until later. And when I do, I'll pull a Magus and be a complete pussy compared to my present self as well. See ya!

Elena: Okay, Ryudo, you need to put us in the loop RIGHT NOW or you can expect some serious henpecking.

Ryudo: Fine… Melfice is my brother. Calling him the "black sheep" of the family would be putting it mildly. Now let's get moving to Liligue, so we can get back to what we should be doing…

Skye: Mocking translation errors?

Ryudo: You know it.


Elena: Ah, Liligue. Such a pretty city, what with the brightly colored architecture, the cheerful music, the… the… PROCESSOR SLOWDOWN!!!!!!!!!

Ryudo, Elena and Roan: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Thousands of video gamers: Dammit. Should have bought the Dreamcast version instead of the Playstation 2 one…

Roan: Gee, for this cheery setting, the townspeople sure seem to be miserable. And I don't think it's because of the slowdown.

Townspeople: If you had to eat Arum Roots and nothing else, you'd be miserable too!

Roan: Oh, they can't be that bad… *CHOMP* Er… maybe they can.

Elena: *CHOMP* Blech… perhaps this is an acquired taste?

Ryudo: *CHOMP* UGH! Stop mincing words, Elena, this stuff is grade-A Shasta McNasty!

Townspeople: Don't bother eating anything else, 'cuz everything else tastes just as gross. Oh, we must be cursed with no sense of taste! And it's all Mr. Gadan's fault!

Elena: Did you say CURSED? There is Lord's Work to be done! Activate Faith, Hope and Charity Mode!

Ryudo: Damn you, Game Arts. Well, we have to shake this Gadan guy up to get on the Skyway and get across the Granacliffs, anyway, so let's go have some harsh words with him.

Gadan: Eh? *CHOMP SMACK* The town's cursed, you say? Heh, it's not my problem. *SCARF*

Elena: And we're supposed to believe it's mere coincidence that you haven't lost YOUR sense of taste? Rrrright.

Ryudo: Look, pal. We didn't make a two-minute-hike-stretched-into-five-minutes-by-that-damn-slowdown over here for nothing. We want on the Skyway, and we want on NOW.

Gadan: Fine, it'll cost you an arm and a leg. *MUNCH MUNCH* And I get to smell the Sister.

Elena: Eeeeew, dirty old man with a nun fetish! Dirty old man with a nun fetish!

Ryudo: You've got a deal. I get to pick the limbs in question, however. We'll be back tomorrow.

Gadan: Suit yourself. In the meantime, if you're do-gooders, why don't you poke around and try to figure the curse out? It's not like the answer's right in front of you or anything. *SWALLOW*

Ryudo: That jerk…

Elena: Yeah! I can't believe he smelt me like that! And to say I smell like PEACHES, of all things!

Ryudo: No, that's not what I'm pissed about-I just resent being called a do-gooder. Well, since I know Mother Theresa here is going to drag me over to the town church anyway, let's go there. And ponder the big creepy stone columns all over town on the way.

Priest: Ah, so good of you to brave the processor slowdown to come all the way up here. Anyway, see those big stone columns? They used to be a temple. A very, very old, ruined temple that the town just happened to be built on.

Roan: Oh gawd, it's Pet Sematary all over again.

Ryudo: Okay, I'm putting two and two together and I'm getting VALMAR. Care to check my math, Elena?

Elena: Yep, sounds right. Well, let's save the town from evil!

Ryudo: No, how about I give you the finger, and we get on the damn Skyway and get on our way. You can't scare me with this "fire and brimstone" crap, I know my rights.

Elena: Oh, screw you!

Ryudo: You'd like that, wouldn't you? FINE, if you're so set on helping them I guess I'm stuck. Come on, smile… *YANK*

Elena: Owie! Domethtic abuuf! Domethtic abuuf! Yow, my cheeks… I won't be able to smile for a week.

Ryudo: Hey, what's the hurry, big and furry?

Mareg: I'm not digging the SMELL of this town, so I thought I'd join you to help flush it out.

Ryudo: 'S fine with me, but could you stop saying "smell" in capitals? It hurts my ears.

Mareg: Negative. It's my gimmick.

Ryudo: FINE! Then into the temple ruins we go. Mind the dark passages, the pointlessly-lightable lanterns and the fruity lighting-balls-up puzzles.

Roan: To say nothing of the Zelda-ripoff block pushing. Whoa, big swirly-looking neon ball thingy.

Elena: Uh oh. Uh. Freaking. Oh.

Ryudo: *sigh* I probably don't want to hear what you're about to say, but I'll also regret it if I don't. So… what is that?

Elena: It's a seal for a piece of Valmar, and as the ominous purple cracks clearly demonstrate, it's, um, broken.

Ryudo: Thanks for the heads-up, Elena. Now you might want to get YOUR head up before that thing behind you eats-

Elena: EEEEP!!!!

Valmar's Tongue: *SLURP* Mmm. Tastes like chicken.

Ryudo: …never mind. Well, the situation has officially gone ugly.

Millenia: *SPOOM!* Oooooh, looks like a certain Tongue wants a FAT LIP! Come on, Ryudo, after him! He's clearly a bad guy!

Ryudo: …and hello to you too, Millenia. So what's with the sudden benevolence?

Roan: Mister Ryudo, I'm arriving at several conclusions about Miss Millenia's intentions from her facial expression right now. And none of them are anywhere near "benevolent."

Mareg: Well, now is hardly the time for introductions, so let's follow Miss… er… Miss Nice Butt.

Valmar's Tongue: Come here, I'm gonna eat ya! I'm bigger than you, I'm higher on the food chain! Get in my belly!

Ryudo: Oh gee, wonder whose voice THAT was. Well, Mister Gadan, it seems you've been living two lives. In one, you are a successful business owner. In the other, you are a bloodthirsty demon. One of these lives has a future, the other does not…

Valmar's Tonuge: Look, it's not my fault this game telegraphs every plot twist in it. Now, how about I give you the finger, and then I chow down on your ass? You can't scare me with this "hero" crap, I know my rights.

Millenia: And tell me, Mister Tongue… how is it that you will eat us… if you HAVE no tongue?

*One Tongue-lashing later (I'm sorry…)*

Valmar's Tongue: Blast! I am defeated. But I still wanna eat you!!

Millenia: Tough break, pal, but YOU'RE the meal now.

Valmar's Tongue: Fine, I'll go quietly, as long as I don't have to listen to any more of your completely shameless puns.

Millenia: All righty then! Snack time! *FUNKY MAGIC SEQUENCE* Ah, yummy. Kinda filling though… I better cut back if I'm going to keep my girlish figure. Tee hee!

On to Part 5