Part Three

Ryudo: Sheesh, wimp can't hold her liquor berries… I'll go kick those monsters' butts myself.

Skye: Hahahaha, Ryudo's gonna help the kid-

Ryudo: It's mutual interest! Convenience! I swear!

Millenia: Well, before you go, you got time for a quickie?

Ryudo: Whoa, hottie again! Uh, I mean, eep.

Millenia: C'mere, you! Hope you like magical bondage.

Ryudo: So I'm going to have my virginity ripped away from me by a horny demoness. Exciting and yet totally terrifying. HELP.

Risotto: Hey, I'm here to ruin the mood!

Millenia: Ah damn, I was gonna score!

Ryudo: Damn-I mean, whew!

Gonzola: So the little twerp with the annoying voice ran off into the cave around back. Kid's got moxie, and stuff.

Paella: Well, I don't have anything WORTHWHILE to say about his predicament, so I'll just spout totally incoherent metaphors.

Millenia: I know you hate explaining, Ryudo, sweetie, but could you give me a clue as to what the holy hell is going on?

Ryudo: Half-pint go to find medal. Monsters have medal. Monsters probably eat half-pint. Me not particularly care.

Millenia: Psst, Ryudo… acting insensitive is NOT the way to impress chicks.

Ryudo: Oh hell, I'll go find him, I was going that way anyway.

Millenia: Whoo, sounds like fun. This can be our first date!

Ryudo: I don't think you get it. See, I'm going to KILL things in a variety of gory and very bad-ass ways.

Millenia: Awesome! I love killing and I'm bad-ass enough to make you look like Hello Kitty in comparison! Are we a perfect match or what?

Ryudo: Enough with the flirting already! I mean I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it, but we have adventuring to do…

Millenia: Lead on, you sexy schmuck, you!

Ryudo: I SAID ENOUGH. Damn, woman, keep them in your corset. So, here's the cave in question.

Carro: Chu!

Ryudo: Oh, it's the game's obligatory utterly useless yet cute, marketable animal. I hate you.

Carro: Chu! *middle finger*

Millenia: Uh…

Ryudo: He's completely useless in this dungeon, anyway. Ignore him. Ah, look, there's the pipsqueak, surrounded by monsters. Too bad, so sa-

Millenia: God, enough with the cynicism! Let's just save him.

Roan: Hey, nice people! Thanks for saving me and whatnot, now let's find my mommy's medal-

Ryudo: God, you suck. Go home.

Millenia: Aw, come on, let's take the brat with us! He's kinda cute. Here kid, lemme give you an awkward hug and a big eyeful of my cleavage.

Roan: Woo hoo!

Ryudo: Dammit, I'm whipped already. This isn't fair! Oh lookie, time for the game's first boss fight.

Roan: Boss fights are good!

Durham Minotaur: GROAR. Wait… ow.

Ryudo: Great, we kicked his butt but couldn't kill him.

Millenia: I tell you, you guys have no clue how to finish a guy off. *FWOOM* See, nobody messes with the Wings of Valmar-whoops.

Ryudo: Um… run that by me again?

Millenia: Oh, nothing. Hey, look over there! *runs*

Roan: Yay, I got my medal back! You old people rock!

Ryudo: So cheerful… nauseating… and what's with Millenia's freaky-ass powers here?

Roan: Dude, Ryudo, just shut up and chill.

Millenia: Yeah, you're totally messing up our funky group vibe! Well, kids, it's been a lark and all, but… see ya! *FLASH*

Ryudo: What the-aw crap, whiner girl's back again.

Roan: Hey Mr. Ryudo, is Miss Millenia really the Wings of Valmar? I need to know whether to lapse into denial or not.

Ryudo: Well, yeah, seems that way.

Elena: Uh… did I suddenly become a sleepwalker?

Ryudo: That's putting it mildly. We're outta here. By the way, Elena, you're possessed by the Wings of Valmar. And she's hotter than you.

Elena: Whoa, this is a bummer.

Roan: Hey Mr. Ryudo, that's because bad chicks are always hotter than good chicks, right?

Ryudo: Usually. Sometimes, though, they're fat old Nazi cows who want to attach electrodes to your gonads.

Roan: Yeah! Make me talk! Make me talk!

Ryudo and Elena: ...

Gonzola: Hey, kid, I see you didn't wind up monster food after all. Uh, where'd the hottie go?

Paella: It's called TACT, you lech. GET SOME.

Elena: Forget that evil skank, I'm a hottie and I'm right here!

Everyone: ...

Elena: Everybody look at MEEEEEEE!

Everyone: ...

Roan: I'm still sure Miss Millenia's not evil. After all, anyone who can like Ryudo has to have a pretty kind heart.

Ryudo: I reiterate: We are outta here.


Elena: So this is the famous Baked Plains.

Ryudo: I swear to god Elena, if you try to make a single drug-related joke I will see to it that you won't live long enough to be possessed again.

Roan: Er, but then Miss Millenia would bite it too. Besides, WE do all the punchlines anyway.

Ryudo: Crap. In that case, I'll just have to smack her around a bit. Oh, and guys, mind the steam-



Ryudo: -vents. Dumb kid.

Elena: I think what I love the most about traveling with you guys is the spirit of companionship. Wow, get a load of those Granacliffs.

Roan: Pretty cool, huh? I hear they're bottomless.

Ryudo: Bullshit, if they were then anything that fell in them would pop out the other side of the planet. And you don't see people flying UPWARDS through these cliffs, do you?

Roan: Wow Mr. Ryudo, that was a surprisingly intelligent argument for a spiky-haired hero. I bet this mystery will eventually be resolved towards the end of the game.

Ryudo: Pshaw, not likely. I read ahead in the strategy guide, we're never even going to MAKE IT to the other side of the planet.

Elena: Oh, who cares if we leave plot holes lying around! We have a kick ass battle system, no one will even notice!

Ryudo: Speaking of battles, I think we're about due for a boss fight. Let's sack out so we can get ambushed.

Elena: Righty-o! Yeep! Hey Ryudo, I just had a scary nightmare involving me being accosted by a very big tongue.

Ryudo: Dammit, and me without any Kleenex.

Elena: I HOPE that Kleenex was intended to dry my tears. Anyway, will you comfort me?

Ryudo: Sorry, it's time for that boss fight. Let's rock.

On to Part 4