Part One


Granas: BLARGH.



Granacliffs: We're a very deep subject. HA HA!


Skye: Mustang, this is Ghostrider, requesting flyby.

Granas Sisters: EEK!

Ryudo: Doo da doo, here I am, Mr. Smart Ass Mercenary. Just workin'a job, risking death for little to no money. Lots of fun for all. Don't let me down, Skye…

Dragonoids: Ooh. Explosions. We sure are easily distracted.

Ryudo: Hi there, I'm here to kick your butt and swipe the stuff that you, in turn, swiped from some other guy. Oooh, green orb… is this materia or something? Oh well. Time to make my getaway, courtesy of my weight-ratio-defying bird pal!

Skye: Uh… how in the HELL did I manage to lift you?

Ryudo: Is this going to be like one of those Warner Brothers things where you can carry me until you realize how heavy I am?

Skye: You know what? Screw carrying your lard ass. *DROP*

Ryudo: Time for the first of my many "damn"s! DAMN! *SPLAT*

Random guy: Geohounds suck!

Ryudo: Effin' classist jerks. Ah well, at least I got paid.

Skye: Ryudo, you're a very uptight guy. I think you need a girlfriend. PRONTO.

Ryudo: Bah. This is an RPG, I'm sure that'll be taken care of for me.

Skye: In the meantime, let's see what this letter says, eh?

Ryudo: Oh goody, some jerk at the church wants me to be a bodyguard for a junior nun.

Skye: Quit yer bellyachin' and do it or you don't get paid. And I peck your eyes out.

Ryudo: Le sigh. To the stupidly named village of Carbo we go. Hmm, what have we here?

Elena: Waah, I'm being ditched by my fellow Sisters of Granas. Whine whine whine. Why me?

Tessa: Ah, maybe it's because you're a more important character than us. Like, you might be a playable character or Love Interest #1.

Ryudo: God, I HOPE not.

Elena: Ah well, back to the church.

Ryudo: Organized religion… how creepy. I'm going to go way out on a limb and say I'll probably see her again… to the Church! Hey, sounds like someone is singing in Portuguese with a Japanese accent. Weird, but soothing.

Skye: Wait, wait. Wasn't she just talking in ENGLISH?

Elena: God, my singing sucks.

Ryudo: Yes. Yes, it does.

Elena: Oh, a Geohound. I hate you.

Carius: What up, G? Get it? G? Geohound?

Ryudo: You hear that? That's the sound of everyone feeling sorry for you for your lame attempt at humor. You pathetic loser.

Carius: Ah, whatever. So, you're the Geohound I hired to protect Elena here, I presume.

Elena: You hired HIM? But he sucks!

Carius: No, Elena, you suck. Shut up and leave him alone.

Elena: Meep!

Carius: Go hit the inn, Ryudo. I'll fill you in on your job.

Ryudo: Hoooo boy. So here I am. At the INN. WAITING. What the…

Carius: Hey there, Ryudo. Sorry about the classist pigheads all over the town.

Ryudo: Let's cut the crap. Spill the details on the job, old man.

Carius: Uh, yeah, we have a VERY IMPORTANT CEREMONY going down tonight at the big, scary obviously evil tower. You need to take a Sister there safely and get her back, because she's special. Remember, it's VERY IMPORTANT. The FATE OF THE WORLD hangs in the balance-

Ryudo: Spare me, drama queen. There's something fishy about this.

Carius: Hey hey, no need to player-hate on the Church! Just put a smile on your face and pray and you'll be happy! C'mon, cheer up!


Carius: Heh, whoops. I got all Jerry Falwell there, didn't I? Here, money makes it all better.

Ryudo: Well, I may be a smart ass, but you can take some comfort in knowing I don't screw up. I'll take the job. So, who's the Sister I'm prote-

Elena: What are YOU doing here?

Ryudo: …oh, HELL no.

Elena: If this is what being "special" means, I could use some normalcy!!!

Ryudo: Elena, you suck. Quit griping and let's get this over with.

Elena: Whine whine whine!

Ryudo: Okay, somebody here needs an attitude adjustment, and it's not me. To the Black Forest! Ooooh! Spooky!


Ryudo: NOT.

Elena: Easy for you to say! Monsters are like, freaky and stuff!

Ryudo: Wuss, you're not even doing any fighting. Here we are at the Garmia Tower. Boy, it looks ominous. Oh well.

Elena: Ominous music as well. Oh well.

Tessa: What up, G? Please excuse my tactless fellow Sisters here. Let's get that CEREMONY over with, Elena.

Ryudo: Aw, how sweet of them to shut me out of the tower. What dolls.

Skye: Ha ha, you like the singer.

Ryudo: Do not. Shut up. Gee, look at those Wings on this mural. Whoa, what's up with the sudden orchestral rock in the soundtrack? Hmm, that scream and weird flashing couldn't be good either.

Skye: Ryudo, leave the damn tower alone.

Ryudo: Stuff it, featherbrain, we're going in. Oh, this should be fun… monsters all over the place. Weak ones, but still. Hey there, Tessa… gee, this whole thing wasn't supposed to be a mass suicide, was it?

Tessa: Ungh… save Elena… Wings… gack.

Ryudo: Ah well, SOMEBODY'S best friend always has to die in these games. Oh no, I cannot open the door to the chamber where Elena is trapped! Oh, the horror!

Skye: Just knock the window in, drama queen.

Ryudo: Fine. Ah, there's Elena, complete with purple mist and freaky yet cool black Wings. Whoa, hi there, disturbing flashback!

Gamers: Uh… we don't get it.

Ryudo: Quit whining and pay attention to the ominous foreshadowing. And speaking of whining, let's scram, Elena!

Elena: Oh, Indiana… I mean, Ryudo… you came for me.

Ryudo: Hey, speaking of which…

Broken Seal: Ah, youse is goin' DOWN. *BOOM FLASH PYROTECHNICS*

Ryudo: Gotta love convenient, unexplained escape ropes. Now that the cool stuff is over… let's get back to town.

Skye: And your freaking out just now?

Ryudo: Don't go there.

On to Part 2