Part 14

Tidus: Yoo-hoo! Anyone here?

Lady Yocun and Guardian: Nobody here but us ghostly spectres of your predecessors!

Wakka: Whew! That's a relief! ... Hey! That blue-haired kid over there look familiar, ya?

Young Seymour: Waaaaaaahh!

Tidus: Gee, and I thought I was a crybaby as a kid...

Rikku: Aww. The poor kid's crying because he lost his mother!

Young Seymour: No, I'm crying because despite my importance, THIS is all I'll be getting in the way of backstory. Oh, and isn't it interesting how, in typical ANIME™ fashion, all of my present crimes can be traced back to a single traumatic childhood event?

Tidus: Yeah... Interesting... Let's hurry up, guys. There's no telling what other horrors from the past we'll find lurking here.

Jecht: You don't have to do this, Braska!

Tidus: Yikes! Speaking of which, it's my old man!... Well... his ghostly image, anyway.

Young Auron: We don't want to see you die, Braska!

Braska: I appreciate your concern, my fellows but.... do me a favor and shut your pie-holes.

Tidus: Oh no. Cloister of Trials time again...

Wakka: Hey, look on the bright side. It's the last one, ya?.

Tidus: Ya, I mean, yeah.... Hey, this isn't so bad. Let's make some music! Heart-and-soulll.... be with you....Heart-and-sooouulll...

Lulu Quit horsing around with those floor tiles. We've got a job to do.

Rikku: Ulp! And it looks as if that job is going to require defeating another monster!

Spectral Keeper: How about a game of musical chairs?

Tidus: How about we get this over with so we can go see that Yunalesca chick already?

Spectral Keeper: You're no fun. *EXPLODE*

Auron: Well, here we are kids, the Hall of the Final Summoning.

Tidus: Where we'll finally learn all the crap you've been hiding from us for the past few months, right?

Auron: Maaaaaybe.

Jecht: Hey! What gives?! No Final Aeon?

Yuna: We've been had!

Mysterious Old Man from Before: You sure have. But don't worry. Lady Yunalesca will explain everything.

Tidus: This had better be good...

Auron: Oh, it WILL be...

Lady Yunalesca: Welcome to Zanarkand.

Tidus, Wakka and Thousands of Perverted Fanboys: Hellllllooooooooooooooooooooooo nurse!

Yunalesca: I now grant you the final summoning. You must choose someone amongst you who will become the fayth. Preferably someone without any future plans of any kind.


Braska: I must do it! Tis a far, far better thing I do now than I have ever done before...

Jecht: Okay. Make me the Final Aeon. It's not like I got any future worth looking forward to. And I've got to do SOMETHING to redeem myself in the eyes of the audience after all that abusive crap I put my son through earlier...

Young Auron: No! This won't work! Sin's going to come back anyway!

Braska: Maybe it won't...

Jecht: Yeah... I'll think of a way to stop it... Boy, it's a good thing my crybaby son won't ever have to face a decision like this. He'd probably spend forever trying to come up with a plan before his brain short-circuited.

Young Auron: Damn... This totally bites. Wish there was something I could do about it. Besides mope.

Auron: Grrr! DIE, earlier me! *swing* *slice*

Tidus: Hey, WE'LL think of a way to break the cycle!

Rikku: Oh, so you've finally come up with a plan?

Tidus: Yeah...... I' go ask Yunalesca!

Rikku: Oh... brilliant plan, Fearless Leader...

Yunalesca: So have you chosen which one of you is going to be thrown to the wolve--I mean, heroically sacrificed in the quest to defeat Sin?

Yuna: One question: if we defeat Sin, will it come back?

Yunalesca: Of course. You got a problem with that?

Tidus and Young Auron: Damn straight, we do!

Yunalesca: Well... tough titties. That's Fate for you. And Fate is a bitch.

Young Auron: Grr! CHARGE!!!!!

Yunalesca: I am ALSO a bitch. *Energy Blast*

Young Auron: This wasn't a good idea, was it? *THUD*

Tidus: So, Auron. There WAS once a time when you were as rash and as stupid as I am. Does this mean that in ten years' time I'LL become as cool and as badass as you?

Auron: Tidus, at your present rate, it's gonna take you a HUNDRED years to become as cool and as badass as me...

Yunalesca: Allright you guys! Enough pussy-footing around! Which of you is gonna be the sacrificial lamb here?

Everyone: *dramatic pause*

Yuna: Baaaaaa! ...I mean, NO ONE!

Yunalesca: Oh come on! SOMEONE'S gotta die!

Yuna: We disagree.

Yunalesca: Fine. Then, you've ALL gotta die.

Tidus: I sense another pointless boss fight coming on...

Auron: Alright, people! It's gutcheck time! Time to choose between a peaceful death or a pain and struggle-filled life!

Tidus: Um, are you SURE those are the ONLY choices we have?

Auron: Yes.

Tidus: Damn... Well, alright. I guess I'll go with the pain and struggle-filled life option.

Yunalesca: Fools! By destroying me, you also destroy your only chance for defeating Sin! And even if you WERE able to defeat Sin on your own, Yu Yevon would only bring him back!

Tidus: Yu who?

Yunalesca: *Dies*

Tidus: Well, THAT was informative...

Yuna: what do we do now?

Tidus: Easy. We get out of here and go tear Sin a new blowhole.

Auron: Wait, Tidus. I have to talk with you first. Alone.

Tidus: This is about you being dead, isn't it? I saw the flashback where Yunalesca went medieval on your ass.

Auron: Yeah. My failure to remember the age-old Anime Law of Probable Attire: ("Bikinis make their wearers almost completely invulnerable",) was my undoing. I should have known attacking her on my own would be an express ticket to suicide.

Tidus: Yeah... I suppose being dead really sucks.

Auron: It doesn't actually. In fact, it has many advantages. No more grocery bills. No more having to pay taxes. And I was able to ride Sin, travel to your Zanarkand and hook up with you.

Tidus: Why DID you do that?

Auron: 'Cause your Dad asked me to.

Tidus: Gee. Well I suppose that proves he isn't a jerk anymore. But he STILL IS a giant, murderous fish and I've STILL got to think of a way of beating him.

Sin: You mind hurrying it up, son? This "being Sin" business gets less fun with each passing day! Plus my chances of scoring with any hot chicks in this form are ZER-O...

Tidus: Keep your pants on, Dad! Sheesh. What a slavedriver.

Cid: You kids back already?. Gee. THAT looks like it must've been a fun trip.

Auron: Alright heroes, it's time for a little brainstorming session.

Tidus: Okay but, I don't think my brain will be able to produce any storms... A light drizzle, maybe...

Kimahri: Why don't we go ask that Mika guy what to do?

Tidus: Brilliant! Kimahri! (So, it would seem YOU'VE been the actual brains of this outfit all along...)

Rikku: Hold on! I thought of an idea, too!

Wakka: Ooh! I wanna tell!

Lulu: T.S., Wakka. I'M the Explanation Lady. Ahem. The key to defeating Sin will be the Hymn of the Fayth, which is the song we heard under the temple back in Macalania. You know, the one Sir Jecht liked so much. If we play it, there's a good chance Sin will become docile.

Wakka: At which point we'll be able to kick his music-lovin' ass!

Tidus: Fine. It's worth a try. But let's go see that Mika guy first.

Highbridge Guards: Infidels! We will never let you pass!

Tidus: Ha! You guys don't scare us!

Rikku: Yeah... We can handle anything you meanies send against us!

Shelinda: Hi guys!


Shelinda: Oh relax. I'm here to tell you that you guys are off the hook. You're no longer considered traitors.

Yuna: Oh, what a relief. By the way, we want to see Maester Mika. Is he in?

Shelinda: Jes' a sec...

Maester Mika: Ah, Yuna darlin'! You're not upset with me over that whole "trying to kill you" thing, are you? By the way, you did manage to pop over to Lady Yunalesca's place and snag the Final Aeon, didn't you?

Tidus: Well, we DID meet with her...

Yuna: At which point we sort of killed her.


Tidus: Oh relax, old man! We'll find another way to defeat Sin! One that doesn't involve church-sanctioned murder...

Maester Mika: Yu Yevon is SO going to kick our ass now. Cowardly escape time! *vanishes*

Wakka: Maester Mika, you SUCK!

Shelinda: Oh dear. Where did the Maester go?

Auron: Oh, he hasn't shown up yet.

Shelinda: Oh dear, I'd better go look for him.

Everyone: (Sucker!)

Creepy Kid with Hood: Oh, like fooling HER is all that impressive a feat. Falling off a chair would require more planning and effort.

Tidus: Oh NO. It's YOU again. Haven't you fucked up my life enough?

Creepy Kid with Hood: Nope. By the way, I want you and the summoner chick to swing by my house later.

Tidus: I'll probably deeply regret it until the end of my days, but...fine.

Creepy Kid with Hood: (Sucker!)

On to Part 15!